The 2024 NFL totally Random Playoffs

 The 2024-2025 Totally Random NFL Playoffs

Now that the playoffs are set and about to begin, it is time for the most coveted championship in all of sports, the totally Random Playoffs.  In this tournament, results are determined purely by random number generation.  Home field, injuries, momentum, and talent have nothing to do with predictions.  The tournament is run once.  There are no mulligans.  And here is what happened.

Wild Card Weekend

In the AFC, the Houston Texans once again occupy the oh well, we have to put a game here playoff slot having the early Saturday game.  Houston is faltering while the Chargers have all of the momentum.  But none of that matters because this is totally random.  The football world is stunned, while football betters have to be talked down from the ledge as the Texans smash the Chargers 32-13.  Up until now, the Chargers have had a good year, but after this unexpected debacle, we are no longer sure that is true.

The Steelers and Ravens normally play tough defensive games.  During their last meeting in the regular season, however, the Ravens poured it on.  They have a comfortable 27-18 win in their third meeting with their archrival.  There are calls for Tomlin to be fired as Pittsburgh coach after going one and done yet again.

Everyone knows that the Broncos 38-0 win over the Chiefs was meaningless.  The Broncos are not that good, and the Chiefs did not care about the outcome.  But that was the wrong narrative because the Broncos morphed into a superpower.  This stuns the Bills as the Broncos roll into Buffalo and demolish the home team Bills 43-6.  More betters need to be talked down from the ledge.

If you thought the AFC experience chaos, that is nothing compared to what happened in the NFC.  The Green Bay Packers limit the high-powered Eagles offense to 3 points.  The high-powered Eagles defense gets a safety, and that is it.  Meanwhile, the Packers only score one touchdown but add three field goals to their total making the final outcome a shocking 16-5.  The ledge is getting overcrowded now.

When the Commanders upset the buccaneers 35-26, America is at serious risk of another Great Depression because of huge economic losses.  Elon Musk is toppled from World’s richest Man status as the Vegas books rise above him.

In their finale against the Lions, the Vikings only managed field goals.  This continues against the Rams.  The Vikings can only manage 12 points.  However, their defense stuffs the rams holding them to one touchdown.  The final is 12-7 Vikings.  Chaos has now descended on America.

The Divisional round

A staggering America returns to normal as the Chiefs take care of the Broncos 43-29.  With the Chiefs running out the clock in the 4^th quarter, the TV audience is kept interested with many shots of Taylor Swift enjoying the game.

The Texans and Ravens game is nerve wracking affair for both sets of fans.  It looks like Lamar Jackson will once again falter in the playoffs.  But on the last play of the game, Justin Tucker kicks a 59-yard field goal to give the Ravens a 16-15 win over the Texans.  It appears as if the Ravens hit an iceberg but survived.  Surely, the chiefs will finish the sinking.

America’s relaxation is only short-lived as the packers nail the Lions unexpectedly 38-29.  This causes Michigan to go under.  The American auto industry comes to a grinding halt because of mass deep depression in the state and everyone knows the next set of economic data will show that America is in recession.

Making the situation worse is that Lions fans cannot take solace in the Vikings 13-3 win over the Commanders because the NFC Championship game will consist of their two most hated teams:  The Packers and the Vikings.

Conference Championships

The Ravens have been living under a playoff curse.  They look great during the regular season but then die in the playoffs, and the Chiefs have been responsible for much of Ravens Nation agony.  But not this time.  In a thrilling game in which Derrick Henry runs for 178 yards and Lamar Jackson throughs for 327, the Ravens go into the 4^th quarter leading 40-10.  But then the Chiefs comeback and scare the daylights out of the Ravens.  But it is too little, too late.  Ravens 40, Chiefs 30. 

In the NFC, as economic darkness sweeps America, the Vikings are once again held without a touchdown.  So are the Packers.  It’s just that the Packers kick six field goals, while the Vikings only kick four.  The Packers win 16-12.

The Super Bowl

America is excited at the prospect of Lamar Jackson against Jordan Love, of Derrick Henry against Josh Jacobs.  We all convince ourselves this will be an all-time super bowl.  It is played in New Orleans so weather will not be a factor.

But neither offense can do much of anything.  Penalties and mistakes turn the game into one of the worst Super Bowls ever, unless you are a Green Bay packers fan, because the Packers emerge with a 6-3 shootout win over the Ravens.  How could that happen?  Football analysts will discuss this for years to come without finding any answers.

But Packers fans do not care.  They were the 7^th seed in the NFC and exercised all their 2024 demons by defeating all those who defeated them to become the Totally Random Super Bowl Champions for the 2024 season.  Congratulations to the Packers.  Now, thanks to this tournament, their fans won’t feel bad when the Eagles bounce them in the real wild card weekend.

In the Real World

As for the real world, I want someone who hasn’t won it before and in order of most super bowl pain.  So, my order is as follows.

1.      Buffalo Bills

2.      Minnesota Vikings

3.      Detroit Lions

4.      Los Angeles Chargers

5.      Houston Texans

Let the real playoffs begin!

 

NFL 2024 Division Winners Predictions

 NFL 2024 Division Predictions

I have a somewhat unscientific but somewhat effective way of predicting divisional winners and playoff teams.  I take the four teams in each division and rank then 4…3…2…1 with 4 being the best with regard to quarterback, coach, offense, defense, and field goal kicker.  The best you can do is get 20 points.  Teams are ranked within each division, not against the wider league.  Whichever team gets the most points is declared the division winner.  If there is a tie, then I decide.  Like I said, this is not as scientific as other systems.

Some of you might wonder why I place such a premium on field goal kicking.  One could argue that should not have equal weight with the quarterback, but while that is generally true, I do think the field goal kicker often decides games.  If the Ravens and Cowboys suddenly disappeared and you could grab their players for free, teams would scramble to get their respective field goal kickers.  With all that being said, here are my predictions.

AFC East

Dolphins	17
Bills	16
Jets	12
Patriots	5

 

This surprised me a bit.  I expected Buffalo to win the division.  I ranked the quarterbacks with Josh Allen at the top, and Tua next, followed by Aaron Rodgers.  How could I rank Rodgers as low as I have, I hear you ask?  Well, Rodgers hasn’t been great lately and he is coming off a bad injury and I just think Tua will do better.  It’s going to be a long year for the Patriots.

AFC North

Ravens	15
Bengals	14
Steelers	11
Browns	10

 

The key here is how healthy Joe Burrow is.  I ranked Jackson above Burrow mainly because I am not sure whether burrow recovered from his wrist injury.  Burrow also tends to start slowly.  I think Mike Tomlin of the Steelers is the best coach in that division, but the Steelers are not good in other categories.  This contributed to the lower totals in this division.

AFC South

Texans	17
Jaguars	14
Colts	11
Titans	8

 

On paper, it’s Texans all the way and not even close.  Time will tell but the Texans rank best in most categories.

AFC West

Chiefs	18
Broncos	13
Chargers	10
Raiders	9

 

Picking the winner was pretty easy here.  I had real trouble ranking the coaches.  I gave the Broncos 3^rd place but Sean Payton is a heck of a coach.  But so is Jim Harbaugh.  Nevertheless I have the Broncos coming in second.  I think Bo Nix will be very good, specially since he is being coached by Payton.  I also think Broncos over 5.5 wins is one of the best futures bets out there.  It looks like a long year for the Raiders primarily because they don’t have a good QB.

 

NFC East

Cowboys	18
Eagles	17
Commanders	9
Giants	6

 

I ranked Mike McCarthy as the top coach in the division.  Remember this is the regular season.  He might suck when the playoffs begin, but the Cowboys have had three consecutive 12-win seasons.  I ranked Jalen Hurts just above Dak Prescott because I think he is more athletic.  But we’ll see.  I know people are saying the Cowboys won’t be good this year because they are starting two rookies on the offensive line.  But I think you will find these rookies are very good.  I certainly hope so.  I am more worried about the defensive line.

NFC North

Lions	18
Packers	16
Vikings	9
Bears	7

 

The Lions may go all the way this year.  I feel the Lions are the most complete team in the NFC this year.  The Vikings have serious quarterback trouble and the Bears are starting a rookie.  Williams might be fantastic, but most good rookie quarterbacks are so-so their first year and I assumed this for my ranking system.

NFC south

Buccaneers 16 Saints 14 Falcons 10 Panthers 10

 

This is the OMG division.  None of these teams are good, but I felt the Buccaneers were the best of the bunch.  Stay away from this division if you like to bet.

NFC West

Rams	18
49ers	17
Seahawks	10
Cardinals	5

 

When all was said and done, I was surprised the Rams came out on top.  If it were simply up to me without any numbers, I would pick the 49ers.  I ranked Stafford above Purdy as well as McVay above Shanahan.  But these could easily be flipped.  How much does Stafford have left in the tank and please stop with all the Brock Purdy hate out there.  This guy is the real deal, and it is about time we acknowledged that Mr. Irrelevant is actually very relevant. 

AFC Playoffs

I have the Bills, Bengals, and Jaguars being wild cards.  I also think the Texans have a chance of being the top seed as do the Dolphins.  I do not think the Chiefs will be top seed this year, but you can never count them out.

NFC Playoffs

I have the Eagles, Packers, and 49ers being wild cards.  I think the Lions will be the top seed and I expect my Cowboys induced nervous breakdown to occur after wild card weekend.

 

 

The 2024 Totally Random AFL Finals

 The 2024 Totally Random Australian Rules Football (AFL) Finals

It is September and, in addition to that being the start of the NFL season, it is also time for the Australian Rules Football (AFL) finals.  But nobody cares about the Grand Final in the real world.  The only thing anyone cares about is the totally Random Finals.  In this tournament, scores are determined completely at random.  Home field, injuries, form, and talent levels are irrelevant.  The tournament is played once, and all scores are final.  So, here goes.

First Round

We begin with the Port Adelaide Power (2) going against the Geelong Cats (3).   Port are deceptively good.  They have gone largely under the radar, but they are very hard to score against, and they have toughness to go with the strong defense.  The Cats are inconsistent, but when the switch is turned on, it is on in a big way.  The Power dominate 138 – 87 in a surprisingly high scoring game.  The Power get a bye and are two matches away from glory.  The Cats are beaten but not eliminated.  They play on next week.  The Cats have a history of losing these first games, then making serious noise from then on, so we’ll see if that trend continues.

Next, we have the only game in Melbourne since three of the top four teams are not from Victoria and the Cats are from Geelong, Victoria’s other city.  So, a football starved crowd of 90,000 will cram into the MCG to watch this one.  The Bulldogs have a small following so are not used to playing in front of this many people.  Meanwhile the Hawks began 2024 0-5 and were the laughingstock of the AFL.  They made my Tigers jealous because they wanted to be the laughingstock instead.  Hawthorn went on a tear while my Tigers couldn’t win if they were the only team on the field.  Going from 0-5 to 7^th place and playing the 6^th place Bulldogs is an amazing achievement.  Both teams are playing well, but the Hawks are on another planet defeating the confident Bulldogs 54 – 87.  Bye-bye Bulldogs.  See you next year.

Next, we have the top team which is the Sydney Swans.  They have a huge advantage because they have a 16/17 chance of having a massive homefield advantage for playing a team not from New south Wales.  Unfortunately for the Swans, they drew the 1/17 straw and face the other New South Wales team, the Greater Western Sydney Giants.  But the Swans still have a decent home field advantage.  They are the big brother and on this occasion, they spank their little brother Giants by 47 points, 98 – 51.  The Swans get a bye and are two matches away from glory.  Like the Cats, the Giants are not eliminated but must win out to obtain the premiership.

Finally, we have the 5^th place Lions going up against the unluckiest, lucky team in the 8^th place Blues.  The Blues were bounced out of the finals with 12 seconds left in their last game, but were given a reprieve when the Power took out the Dockers allowing Carlton to scrape in.  The 8^th place team usually gets bounced, and this time is no exception.  The poor Blues are injury ravaged and lose by 120 points up in Brisbane 160 – 40.  The Lions have a cool tradition.  Each player has a song when they score a goal.  Lions forward Charlie Cameron scores a lot of goals and his song is country Road by John Denver.  This is a great song with the lyrics known by just about everyone.  By the end of this game, though, this song is played so many times, people who still have physical copies of music burn their John Denver albums.  I must say, though, I love this tradition. 

I imagine me as an AFL Player.  “And Breault gets the ball.  He bombs from outside 50 and ohhhhhhhhh what a goal!  He has 8 for the match.  Breault is a superstar!”  And then, my chosen song plays which is the Joker by the Steve Miller Band.  Here it is for those who don’t know it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3mfENm6VJc

Yes, it’s all about me.

The Second Round

The 4^th place Giants get a home game against the 5th place Lions.  In front of 5,674 fans in Western Sydney, the Giants show why they finished 4^th saying goodbye to the Lions 112 – 51.  Those who burned their John Denver albums after the Lions thrashed the Blues by 120 points in the previous week rush to join Apple Music or Spodify.  John Denver vinyl records break all kinds of sales marks as people try to get John Denver back into their lives.  This is a disappointing end to another Lions season.

The second game features bitter rivals.  The Cats and Hawks played one of the great grand finals in 1989 and have hated one another ever since.  Over 90,000 cram the MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground).  Can the Hawks continue their amazing form?  With five minutes left, the Hawks lead by 15 points.  The 8^th place miracle is set to continue.  But Tom Hawkins, in what might be his last year, kicks 3 goals to stun the Hawks as the Hawks go down to the Cats 131 – 130.  Yes, the Cats are doing it again.  They lose their first finals match only to kick butt in subsequent matches.  The Hawks fans are very angry but when all is said and done, they realize they had a great year.  This does not help, though, as Hawks fans blame the umpires for their loss.  That’s what you do when you lose by a point.  The fact the Hawks have reason to gripe is irrelevant as the Cats move on.

The Preliminary Finals

The Swans had a week off.  But all teams had a week off between the regular season and the finals, so it probably doesn’t matter.  These two teams played in the 2022 Grand Final and the Cats massacred the Swans to finally win a flag after 11 years mostly losing to my Tigers during that time.  So the Swans have every reason to get revenge.  Unfortunately for them, this match is a repeat as the Cats once again obliterate the Swans in Sydney 68 – 149.  This 81-point massacre is very disappointing considering the Swans finished on top of the ladder at season’s end.  The Cats meow their way into yet another Grand Final.

In the other game, the Port Adelaide Power play in front of over 50,000 screaming fans in Adelaide against the GWS giants.  The poor giants are lucky to have 5,000 people at their home games.  It makes you wonder whether this team can be viable.  But the Giants play hard despite this.  Port Adelaide remembers the last Preliminary Final they lost.  It was a 6-point heartbreaker at home against my tigers in 2020.  My Tigers went on to win the Grand Final that year and Port took a while to recover.  They looked to be on the brink of collapse this year and their coach was nearly run out of town.  But they began to win, and win, and coach went from goat to hero. 

But I sincerely hope coach Ken Hinkley has a house in another state because after the Power go down at home 43 – 156, Hinkley shouldn’t hang around to address the team.  He needs to get out of Adelaide as fast as he can, then have a company bring his family and belongings to him.  When the home team goes down by 113 points, fans get a little angry.  The fans of Adelaide’s other team, the Crows, are in raptures because they hate the Power more than any other team.  Civil war breaks out in South Australia and the Australian military is forced to to put an end to it.  It’s an ugly scene all around.

The Grand Final

The Giants, with all of their 5,674 fans make their way to the MCG to play the Cats in the Grand Final.  The Cats arrive with their 60,000 fans.  The rest of the 100,000 strong crowd is made up of Victorians who hate the Cats, so the crowd is slightly in Geelong’s favor.  The Giants have been close.  They even made it to the 2019 Grand Final but were blown out by 89 points against my tigers.  And yes, I’m going to mention my tigers winning championships whenever I can.  But they have been in the finals every year and I personally like them because despite having a small following, they play hard, and they play well.  Besides, their coach used to be an assistant coach for my Tigers when they won three premierships in four years.  The Cats are confident.  They have the crowd behind them.  But the Giants have had enough of losing.  They suffocate the explosive Cats and switch them off, winning the Grand Final 80 – 50.

Congratulations to the GWS Giants for winning their first ever Grand Final.  Here is their great theme song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27XRugei364

Next year, the giants will unfurl their Totally Random flag in front of their now 6,258 fans.  What a great day that will be for them.

My prediction for the real world is the Power.  Let the games begin!

 

 

Totally Random Euro2024

 

The Totally Random UEFA Euro2024 Tournament

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time for the Totally Random UEFA 2024 European Championship.  This is my second favorite sports event.  For those who have too much time on their hands and wonder what my sporting rankings are, here goes.

1.      FIFA men’s World cup

2.      UEFA European Championship.

3.      Olympics

4.      Super Bowl

5.      Stanley Cup finals (I hate the Florida Panthers by the way).

6.      NBA Finals

7.      Australian Rules Football Finals.

Needless to say, as far as domestic competitions go, if my team is in the finals or playoffs, as we call them in America, then the competition is elevated in the rankings, but this is generally how I go.  Right now my Boston Celtics have a good chance to win the NBA title so the NBA finals have moved up in my ranks for this season. 

 

So I am very excited about Euro2024.  In my household it is either Allez Les Bleus or Deutschland über Alles.  The reason is simple.  I am French via America, and my wife is German via Australia.  But there is a twist this year because my wife Elizabeth is also Hungarian, and Hungary is in Group A with Germany.  So things could get tricky except that Elizabeth really does not give a crap about football of the international kind, so I think she will experience very little internal turmoil.    As for the rest of us, we are still recovering from Italy winning in 2020.

 

This is the Totally Random Euro2024.  Home country, home field, talent level, and form have nothing to do with the results.  The results are totally random.  My program is run once no matter what.  This year, there are six groups, A-F.  the top 2 in teach group go through along with the four best third place teams.

Group Stage

Given that four third place teams advance, I think it is best to start with who finished at the bottom of each group and believe me, this is shocking.  The bottom feeders were:  Germany, Italy, England, Poland, Belgium, and Czechia.  That is incredible.  The tournament began with an utterly shocking 3-0 Scotland victory over Germany in the first match.  With the score at 0-0 at halftime, the Scottish team came out in the second half and mooned the German team.  After the match, Steve Clark, the manager of Scotland’s national team, said at the press conference that Scotland was inspired by the scene in Braveheart in which the Scottish army under William Wallace mooned the English.  This, of course, never happened historically as far as we know.  And since I’m talking about Braveheart, William Wallace never did it with the queen, never fathered the queen’s child, and William Wallace did not lose against Edward I because he was betrayed by Robert the Bruce.  William Wallace actually lost for two reasons.  Edward I was a superior general, and Edward I had Welsh longbowmen whom the Scots simply could not deal with.  Other than these minor historical flaws, the movie was actually pretty accurate.  The actions of Scotland so shocked the Germans, they fell apart leading to the 3-0 win. 

I don’t have time to catalog all of the results for the group stage, but after England defeated Serbia 0-2 in their first match, no one expected the 5-0 loss to Denmark and the 0-3 loss to Slovenia which followed.  England was embroiled in another scandal when English PM Rishi Sunak left at half time during the Denmark match so he could fly back to England to have an interview with the Sun newspaper which he absolutely had to have in person because we wouldn’t want him to take advantage of Remote tech.  To make matters worse, Sunak expressed outrage in that interview because the Welsh team failed to pay him their respects.  The interviewer apparently did not have the heart to tell him that Wales failed to qualify for the tournament this time.

And so with the group stages over, the football world was turned upside down. 

The Round of 16

There was only one draw in the group stages.  This is remarkable for a random tournament.  That happened to be a 0-0 special between Holland and Austria.  But now the knockout stages have begun and there are no more draws.

The first match pitted Croatia against Portugal.  Despite all the upsets, this game featured two powerful European teams.  Croatia played with flair and daring, but Portugal played with even more flair and daring on their way to a 0-2 win. 

Scotland is the surprise team of the tournament.  They have gone from strength to strength after their 0-3 shocking victory over Germany in the first match.  And the bagpipes keep on playing, much to the annoyance of the TV audience as they beat Denmark 5-4.  The BBC produced a special in which fans from all over the world expressed nostalgia for the vuvuzelas of South Africa.  FIFA made sure this match was played at night because a special report from DW News said that when  Scotland mooned Germany, the Germans were blinded by the glair coming off that white skin and were handicapped for the remainder of the match.  But Scotland’s victory demonstrated to the world that they are more than a flash in the pan, or should I say, in the pants.

Georgia v Albania was a snoozefest which ended 0-0.  But after 120 minutes of dull football, the penalty shootout almost made up for it as Albania moved past Georgia 5-6.  Georgia protested on the grounds that more than 20% of funding for Albania came from foreign sources and while FIFA has yet to decide, most people believe their protest will fail on the grounds that more than 20% of funding for the Georgian team also comes from foreign sources.

Meanwhile Les Bleus smashed poor Romania 4-0 and the world began to contemplate the horror of four years of the French as the holders.

In an exciting match. It was Slovakia 3-4 Austria.  Normally, no one would care, but in a Totally Random tournament, this could be quite impactful.

The match between the Netherlands and Türkiye was one of the most bizarre matches in football history.  After 120 minutes of 0-0 football, no one seemed to want to slot home a penalty kick.  Holland won 1-0 on penalties.  What made matters worse is that each goalkeeper only saved one penalty kick each meaning the rest went high or wide.  Amazing.

The world rallied behind Ukraine, but sadly, they went down 4-2 to Slovenia.  What a gallant effort though, even in the Totally Random tournament.

And lastly, Hungary went down to Spain 0-1 in a match that was much more difficult for Spain than anticipated.  Rumors circulated that Victor Orbán threatened to block vital EU legislation if they were not allowed to win.  These rumors were given validity because when Lamine Yamal scored an absolutely brilliant goal in stoppage time to break the 0-0 deadlock, he was heard to shout “Screw You Orbán!”  Commentators remarked on his English-speaking prowess. 

And with that, we move to the quarterfinals.  Europe has to come to terms with the possibility the French or the Dutch will be champions of Europe.  European president Ursula von der Leyen called an emergency meeting to draw up contingency plans should either team win.

The Quarterfinals

The bagpipes played long and loud during Scotland’s match against Portugal.  But the world only had to endure 90 more minutes of the loud music because Portugal sent Scotland packing 1-0.

Meanwhile Albania produced what might be the most shocking result of the tournament.  Not only did they defeat France, they did so 4-0.  Les Bleus became Les Malades.  Europe breathes a sigh of relief.

Holland cruises by Austria 0-3 while Spain seemed to be cruising past Slovenia with a 4-1 lead in the 83^rd minute.  But Slovenia scored two goals and nearly scored the equalizer in stoppage time when the only thing that saved Spain from extra time was the crossbar.  So Spain hung on 3-4.

The Semifinals

With France knocked out, Ursula von der Leyen releases Europe’s contingency plan should Holland win.  It involves bunkers and mandatory conscription.  Debate raged as to whether she confused this with Germany’s first comprehensive war plan since the Cold War that was released in early June.  Needless to say, the world stands on a knife’s edge.

In a surprisingly difficult game for Portugal, they nevertheless prevailed over the Cinderella team of the tournament Albania.  After scoring in the 18^th minute, Portugal hung on 1-0.  Portugal is playing good solid all around football.

Netherlands v. Spain lives up to all the hype.  This match is open, attacking, and many goals are scored.  With Spain leading 3-4 in the 85^th minute, it looks like the Dutch will go down in yet another close tournament game.  But they equalized with a brilliant shot from a free kick, then went on to win it in extra time.  The final score is Netherlands 5-4 Spain.  There is a real possibility the Dutch may actually win.  Stock exchanges all over Europe fall dramatically at the prospect.

The Final

There doesn’t seem to be a 3^rd place match this time.  Good riddance.  This ain’t the Olympics.  There can only be one winner.  And in a pretty entertaining match, Portugal proves too much for the Dutch.  With the score tied 2-2 in an exciting first half, the Portuguese put on three second half goals to win Euro2024 5-2.  They really were the best Totally Random team throughout.  So congratulations.

As for the real tournament, my prediction is Les Bleus but not just because I am going for them.  Bring it on.  I can’t wait!

 

The 2024 Totally Random NBA Playoffs

 The 2024 Totally Random NBA Playoffs

The long NBA regular season is finally and mercifully, in my opinion, over.  It is about 10 games too long in my opinion.  But it’s done now which means it is time for the Totally Random 2024 NBA Playoffs.  Merit, home court, injuries, and form play no part.  Each series and subsequent rounds are run once to get a completely random result.  I ran the results before the playoffs started but did not have time to write and post this before the first games began.  So here is what happened.

The First Round

In the east, the Heat got in through the play-in tournament once more and face the team with the best record in the NBA, my Boston Celtics.  This is a rematch of the Eastern Conference Final from last year in which Boston came back from a 3-0 deficit only to be blown off their home court by the Heat who advanced to the NBA final.  That was one of the most embarrassing losses in franchise history and I have followed the Celtics since the Dave Collins era, that’s how old I am.  And the demons resurfaced as the Heat took game 1 in Boston.  But the Celtics snapped out of it and won the next four advancing with a 4-1 series win.  That is what should have happened last year, but the totally Random universe brought vindication to the Celtics, at least for now.

Meanwhile the 76ers play the Knicks in a series I am really looking forward to.  The Knicks are finally relevant and both venues were loud, even in the Totally Random Universe.  The 76ers also took game 1 in New York emulating the Heat in Boston.  The Knicks evened things up and then the teams traded games until the poor Knicks fans were about to drop from exhaustion when Game 7 finally hit New York.  But all went well for starved Knicks fans.  They prevailed over the 76ers in a tight game 7.

The real shock happened with Pacers v. Bucks.  The Pacers swept.  Wow, I did not see that one coming.  But in the world of total randomness, bizarre things like this can happen.

When it came to the Magic against the Cavaliers, it was hard to pick a winner.  In the end, the Magic prevailed by winning a road Game 7 rather comfortably.  Cleveland is used to being disappointed though and they can now transfer their false hopes on to the Guardians in MLB before once again sinking hopelessly with the Browns later this year.

In the West the Thunder surprised by being the number one seed in the West and they dispatched the play-in Pelicans in 6 games.  But how would the Nuggets go against the Lakers?  The Lakers won game 1 in Denver.  Game 1 road wins were a trend in the totally Random tournament.  Only the Timberwolves held serve in game 1.  The Nuggets were sluggish, but they found their rhythm in the end winning in 6 games.  Bye-bye Lakers and good riddance. 

The Timberwolves may have held serve at home in Game 1, but it was the rejuvenated Suns who took the series in 6.  The Timberwolves looked promising early in the season, but ultimately bowed out in the first round. 

And finally, in a bitterly fought series between the Mavericks and the Clippers, it was the Mavericks who won Game 7 on the road to advance to the next round.  This was a surprise to everyone.

The Second Round

The Indiana Pacers might have swept the Bucks in the first round, but they nearly got swept by the C’s in the second round.  Boston won the first 3 games of the series.  Indiana got a token win at home in Game 4 before Boston took care of business in game 5 winning the series easily 4-1.

Knicks fans are torn between thinking they are in Disneyland and actually having a good team.  In the second round they play the Magic who play in Orlando which is the home of Disneyworld.  But Orlando runs out of Magic and Knicks fans climb to the next level on the mountain.  New York is confused because they have hardly been here in 50 years.  Governor Kathy Hochul orders a commission to study this rare event.

Meanwhile in the west, the Phoenix Suns topple the young Thunder 4-3.  Although they are disappointed, Thunder fans know they have much to look forward to.  This is a young and dynamic team.

If the Pacers’ four game sweep of Milwaukee in round 1 was a shock, the Mavericks broom job over the Nuggets is beyond comprehension.  None of the games except the clincher are close.  In the clincher, the Mavericks prevail 105-103 in front of a stunned but happy home crowd.  The people of Texas begin to voice the opinion that Greg Abbott might have been premature when he seceded from all American professional sports bodies.  The Texas Supreme court puts a stay on the order pending the Mavericks NBA chances.  (See the Totally Random NHL Playoffs).

The Conference Finals

Here we go again, New York v. Boston.  We had Yankees Red Sox, we had Giants Patriots.  The New York Jets don’t really count I’m sorry to say.  We have had the Rangers Bruins for years.  But Knicks fans care about their basketball, and they have been starved.  But unfortunately for New York, the Celtics have found their rhythm and tear through the overachieving Knicks bringing their brooms to New York and sweeping the series.  Yes for a neutral that was anticlimactic but for Celtics fans, oh how sweet it is.  We’re back in the finals. 

Meanwhile the Mavericks are on fire, taking out the suns easily in five games. Phoenix sued the NBA claiming Texas teams had seceded and so the result does not count.  This will go to the Supreme Court.  But for now, the Mavericks fly to Boston for the final.

The NBA Finals

This series appears to be one-sided when the unstoppable Celtics win the first 3 games.  But doubt creeps in as the Mavericks survive with a 2-point win in Game 4, then stun the home Boston crowd who were looking forward to a home court clinch as they did against the Lakers in 2008, the last time Bean town celebrated an NBA championship.  The Celtics are overanxious and miss most of their 3’s.  The Mavericks believe as they return home for Game 6.  But reality sets in and Boston seals the deal in Dallas, winning Banner 18!  Congratulations to the Boston Celtics, winners of the 2024 totally Random NBA Playoffs.  Let’s hope the real world brings the same result.  Go Celtics!

 

 

 

The totally Random 2024 NHL Playoffs

 Totally Random NHL Playoffs

Ladies and gentlemen, the race for the Stanley cup begins at long last.  The NHL playoffs are simply the best.  Among the four major sports in the USA, this is by far the most chaotic playoff race there is.  Anyone can win.  But while the real teams play for the real Stanley Cup, it is time for the Totally Random NHL playoffs.  Who will lift the Random Cup?  The way this works is simple.  The series are run once.  Merit, home ice, injuries and recent form play no part.  The results are completely random so let’s see what happened.  One thing in the real world we know for sure is that the Rangers are doomed, and this gives me warm fuzzy feelings.  Why?  Well, they are doomed because they won the Presidents’ trophy this year being the best team in the regular season.  This trophy is cursed as my Bruins can attest from 2023.  I also have warm feelings because the Rangers are evil.  So will this curse apply to the totally random universe?

First Round

In a pretty one-sided series, the Islanders take out the higher ranked Hurricanes four games to one and the Hurricanes only got that one win because they were lucky.

My Bruins faded at the end, and they take on the up-start Maple Leafs who have all of Canada behind them.  This series is tense with the Bruins jumping out to a 2-0 series lead holding home ice.  But the Leafs return the favor and when they win game 5 in Boston, all hope seems lost.  It’s another first round exit for my Bruins.  But a nail biting 1-0 win in Toronto evens the series and in game 7, the Bruins survive in overtime 4-3, winning the series by that same score.  Phew.  Toronto goes into morning.  Spring is still here, and the Leafs are still out, though later than usual.

Last year the Panthers were an afterthought until they shocked the world and advanced all the way to the finals.  That game 7 win in Boston still haunts me.  This year they top the Atlantic Division but what they did last year gets done to them this year as the never-say-die Lightning take them down rather easily four games to one.

The Presidents’ Trophy curse is put on hold as the Rangers take care of the Capitals who to be honest are really kind of lucky to be here at all.  They do it in 6 games, which is probably one more than I expect in the real world.

Now to the West.  Last year’s champions the Golden Knights scraped in as a wild card this year.  They play the highly fancied, but I think somewhat suspect Stars.  This series goes 7 games with each game being a nail biter.  In Texas and Nevada, Xanax use is at an all-time high.  In game 7 in front of screaming Stars fans, it is last year’s champs who rise from the dead, being down 3 games to 1, to win the last 3 with a 1-0 win in game 7.  Wow what a series.  99% of the Stars fans at the game are also Dallas Cowboys fans.  This loss, coupled with the Cowboys collapse earlier this year is too much for Texas.  As a result, Texas secedes from all American sports bodies.  Texas governor Greg Abbott puts all professional sports players in Texas on buses and sends them to sanctuary cities.

Meanwhile the Oilers sweep the Kings.  Nothing much to report there.  The Avalanche and the Jets play a thrilling series that goes 7 games.  In a 3-2 overtime thriller, the higher seed Jets prevail.  Canada still has a team in contention.

But Canada’s cup runneth over because the Canucks also qualify after nearly blowing 3 games to 1 lead.  Canada declares a day of reflection not having had three teams advance in the Stanley cup playoffs in a very long time.

The Second Round

The NHL playoffs matchups for the second round are not always straightforward.  I think I have these right.  In the east, we have a New York civil War with the Islanders playing the Rangers.  The Islanders have always been the other team in New York and although they fight hard against Big Brother, the Rangers prevail in 6.  Hey what happened to the curse?

Meanwhile the Tampa Bay Lightning go up against my Bruins.  The Lightning always gives us trouble, but not this year.  It’s broom time in Bean Town as the Bruins cruise to a showdown with the hated and ultra-evil Rangers.

Meanwhile in the west, Canada experiences pain as the Canucks go down to last year’s champs the Golden Knights.  Vegas is hopping, while Vancouver goes into morning.  Vancouver may have never hoisted the Stanley Cup, but they still have Stanley Park which I highly recommend to anyone who visits that great city. 

The other two Canadian teams play one another.  This is a great seven game series in which the road team wins the first 6 games.  Amazing.  But in game 7, Winnipeg erupts as their Jets survive a 2-1 thriller to advance.

Conference Finals

In the east, hatred is real.  Both teams are original 6 teams.  I’ve hated the rangers ever since I knew what hatred was.  (note, I’m talking about sports hate).  The screaming fans of New York are livid when the Bruins win game one 1-0.  But the Rangers even things up and when they win game 3 in Boston, hope seems restored.  But Boston evens things up.  Tied 2-2, the Rangers fans get what they want, a home game for the pivotal game 5 matchup.  But the Bruins shock the Rangers in overtime 3-2 and take the same series lead.  In game 6 in front of screaming fans in Boston, the Rangers score a first quarter goal and hang on from there.  This is incredibly frustrating, not scoring a single goal in a clinching game.  Game 7 causes state law enforcement agencies in both states to man the borders.  This could get ugly.  In a dramatic game, my Bruins finally level the Presidents’ Trophy curse hammer on these Rangers who dared to hope their defiance of the sports gods would go unnoticed.  They are knocked out in heartbreaking fashion, and it is my Bruins who do it.  Life is good.

In the west, the prospect that a team from Canada might make it to the Stanley Cup finals causes Justin Trudeau to declare a National Day of Prayer.  And the sports gods seem to answer their prayer as the Jets take 2 games to none lead over last year’s champs.  But then the Knights even things up and when they win game five in Winnipeg, Trudeau declares another National Day of Prayer, but adds fasting and rending of garments to the mix.  This is too much for the sports gods.  Canada will not have a team play for the one trophy the nation cares about over all else.  In a heartbreaking overtime loss, the flame of Canada, not to be confused with the Calgary Flames who did not qualify, is snuffed out by these pesky champions.  It will be the Golden Knights against the Bruins for the most coveted trophy in all of sports.

The Stanley Cup Final

The Totally Random universe gives us the matchup we should have had last year and which we would have had, except for the fact the Bruins choked against the Panthers in the first round despite breaking all NHL regular season records.

This matchup lives up to the billing.  The Golden Knights take a 3-2 lead but in front of screaming Vegas fans hoping for a back-to-back scenario, the Bruins shut down the Golden Knights 2-0 to bring the decider back to Boston.

But sadly for me, just as the Bruins lost game 7 at home to the Blues, they lose this one as well 3-2 to the now back-to-back Champs.

Well, technically, the Golden Knights are not back-to-back champs because this is the Totally Random tournament.  But congratulations to them for winning it.  As for the real Stanley Cup I would have picked my Bruins, but they faded toward the end so my objective prediction is that  the Canucks to win their first ever.  Let the games begin!

The Totally Random 2023 Women's FIFA World Cup

The Totally Random FIFA Women’s World Cup

Ladies and gentleman, it is time for the 2023 FIFA World Cup co-hosted by Australia and New Zealand.  In Australia, there is a great deal of enthusiasm for the Matildas.  We are being told they will finally go all the way this time.  Meanwhile in New Zealand, more people visit Middle Earth sets than buy tickets for any of the games it seems.  Their women’s team, the, hmm, wait, I need to google this because I have no idea what they are called. . .the Football Ferns.  The what?  What the hell is a football fern?  That’s not even a real plant.  Well, for my American readers since I live in Australia I can shed some light on this mystery.  There is a sport played by English Commonwealth nations called Netball.  New Zealand’s team are the Silver Ferns, which is a real plant with the botanical name of Alsophila dealbata,.  And no I did not need to google this.  OK, I lied.  I definitely needed to google this.  At least a Silver Fern is native to New Zealand.  It is difficult for New Zealanders to come up with names.  Their world famous men’s rugby team is known as the All Blacks.  It was too much for their national cricket team to come up with an original name so they put black hats on and called themselves the Black Caps.  So, nobody seems to care about the Football Ferns in New Zealand.

 

Maybe this is because what the people of New Zealand really care about is the Totally Random 2023 FIFA’s World Cup.  This is because they actually have a chance of winning in this tournament.  In this tournament, merit, form, skill and experience have nothing to do with the results.  I run the tournament once and the results are totally random.  I admit, I do not know much about women’s football other than the fact the good teams are Australia, USA, Canada, England, Germany, and I think Holland.  Japan is up there too but they have faded in recent years.   As for the rest, I have no idea.  Without any further delay or snide remarks about New Zealand, here is what happened.

 

Group Stages

Group A

Switzerland

New Zealand

Philippines

Norway

 

In front of an average of 29 screaming fans, screaming as they read the latest on the All Blacks on their phones, Switzerland emerge winners of group A.  But New Zealand survives to advance.  All kidding aside, New Zealanders are tough.  They do not back down from anyone.  New Zealand embraces the Football Ferns and wave real Silver Fern branches at the games.  But since crowds are modest, no environmental impact is recorded.

 

Group B

Nigeria

Ireland

Australia

Canada

 

This group has two heavyweights in Australia and Canada.  The stadium in Sydney is packed to watch Australia smash Ireland on their way to advancing.  The result is a 5-5 draw.  This is disappointing, but not the end of the world.  Something has to be done about the Matildas defense though.  Canada is a disaster though going down to Nigeria 5-1.  Disappointment turns to sheer panic though when Australia get blown away by Nigeria 0-4 in their next game.  Meanwhile Canada’s defense is much better.  They only concede one goal to Ireland.  The problem is, they don’t score any.  Canada can pretty much kiss their tournament goodbye as they move into their third stage game against Australia.  In Canada, a study shows that Canada’s woes are due to the majority of players being Toronto Maple Leaf fans who are quite used to loosing.  Oh, I’m so mean!  Poor Toronto.  In Canada, there is a saying.  “Spring is here and the Leafs are out.”  You might think I am full of spite, but Canada does not actually have a name for their team.  The closest name they have is. . .wait for it. . .wait some more. . .The Maple Leafs.  This is because of the Canadian flag.  So please, do some research on the Toronto Maple Leafs of the National Hockey League and you will understand why I am laughing.

 

But Australia is not laughing.  They absolutely must win their third stage game.  They do win a 3-5 win over Canada but sadly, Nigeria and Ireland walk up and down the field to a 1-1 draw.  Australia is out!  Victoria Premier Daniel Andrews, who cancelled the 2026 Commonwealth Games in Victoria after winning the bid, throwing the games into chaos, is suddenly a national treasure as Australians demand their Prime Minister resigns for not pulling out of the FIFA World Cup after securing the bid.  Parliament is dissolved and Hugh Jackman becomes a reluctant Prime Minister.  Everyone loves him.

 

Group C

Japan

Spain

Costa Rica

Zambia

 

This group goes to plan.  Nothing more need be said here.

 

Group D

England

Denmark

Haiti

China

 

This group is also unremarkable going to script.  Unfortunately immediately after England’s controversial 4-5 win during the third group stage over China, China claims the result is an imperialistic plot which forms a prelude for England to recapture Hong Kong.  China decides to invade Taiwan to restore national pride which has been smashed, and we are plunged into World War III.  Who says sports does not matter?

 

Group E

USA

Vietnam

Netherlands

Portugal

 

The Dutch and Portuguese party for days despite their poor showing because they are just glad to be away from the oppressive heat gripping Europe.  The USA is dominant winning all three group games.  Back in America, MAGA supporters riot because they were hoping the USA would bomb out of the tournament so they could blame one more thing on Joe Biden.  When this does not eventuate, frustration boils over.

 

Group F

Panama

Jamaica

France

Brazil

 

I don’t really know if this is an up-side down result, but I think it is.  I saw in the news Brazil had some hope here.  Well, not this time.

 

Group G

Sweden

Italy

Argentina

South Africa

 

Argentina was so hoping to emulate the men’s team who won the 2022 Men’s World Cup but to no avail.  This cup is thrown into disarray, though, when it is revealed the Lionel Messi disguised himself as a woman and wore one of those Mission Impossible masks to complete the disguise.  The world became suspicious when in the second group game when this occurred, this woman scored 17 goals in the first 15 minutes of the match against South Africa.  Close-up camera angles revealed a bulge where there shouldn’t be one, and the gig was up.  Argentina will be sanctioned, of course, but in this instance, the game started over and Argentina, without Messi, won 1-0.  It was not enough though as they bowed out.

Group H

Morocco

Germany

Columbia

South Korea

 

I basically have no idea here so I’ll leave it a that except to say that during a warmup friendly between Ireland and Columbia, the game had to be called off because Ireland felt Columbia was too physical.  During their opening match against South Korea, two players were sent off when one player lifted a South Korean over her head while another Columbia player executed a flying DDT on the poor woman, then produced a steel chair out of nowhere and proceeded to hit the prone woman.

 

The Stage of 16

There were some shocking results in this first knockout round.  Spain destroyed Switzerland 0-5 but the real shocker was when Italy wiped the USA out 4-1.  There was rejoicing in America among MAGA supporters because now they could blame Joe Biden.  They also blamed Hunter Biden for the loss and the House opened an official investigation.  The Football Ferns, in front of a much larger crowd, took out dark horse Japan 0-4 in a surprisingly easy victory.  Well, at least one host nation has shown up.  Sweden has a fairly comfortable win over Vietnam while Germany wins a thriller against Panama 3-4.  Morocco goes down to Jamaica 0-4.  Nigeria defeats Denmark 4-1.  I think that is surprising but I really don’t know.

 

But the match everyone wanted to see was England v. Ireland.  Things started off badly for England when Mary Eaps, the English goalkeeper stepped away from her goal thinking the ball was dead only to have Ireland slam through the opener.  It’s the second Ashes test all over again.  England cannot recover from this.  They are in disarray and Ireland records a shockingly easy 5-0 win.

 

The Quarterfinals

When Spain plays Italy neither team wants to lose because they would have to go back to the heat.  But it is hotter in Italy so the Italians win 1-5.  Sweden is a dark horse and when they score two goals against host nation New Zealand, it appears the not real plants will join Australia on the sidelines.  But the Football Ferns are made of sterner stuff and score four goals to advance to the semifinals 4-2.  Now New Zealand is truly behind their team at long last.  Nigeria wins a thriller over Germany 4-3 while Ireland lose 1-4 to Jamaica probably because all their players are still drunk due to wild partying after their victory over England.

 

It’s official.  All the big names are out.  This is what makes the Totally Random tournament so awesome.

The Semifinals

New Zealand is now 100% behind their team while all of Australia secretly hope the Football Ferns get smashed back into the stone age because we are extremely bitter and jealous here.  Australia has a large Italian population but their psychic powers are of no use as the incredible not a real plant New Zealand team wins easily 2-5.  Oh no, the unthinkable might happen.  Meanwhile Jamaica defeats Nigeria in a game very few people watch.

 

Third Place Game

Who cares.  I don’t.  Neither does anyone else.  Why does FIFA insist on having this farce?  For the record, Nigeria defeats the Italians 3-5.  They all go out for pizza and pasta afterward.

The Big One

Australia holds a national day of prayer asking for divine assistance in defeating New Zealand.  Unfortunately, Australia made the mistake of praying to old Jamaican gods.  The one true God waxes wroth and leads New Zealand to an amazing 3-0 win in front of a screaming packed stadium in Sydney.  To make matters worse for Australia, the tourism industry makes $0.00 because more New Zealanders live in Sydney then there are in New Zealand so they were all basically a train ride away.  The New South Wales Premier is forced to resign and disgraced former premier Gladys Berejiklian is swept back to power even though she was done big time for corruption.  The people of New South Wales reason that a corrupt premier would have ensured New Zealand’s defeat and in anger against a pure and ethical premier which led to a horrible result, they bring the corrupt premier back in because the Rugby World Cup is just around the corner, and Dam it, the Wallabies need to win this time!

So after all that, a host nation wins the 2023 FIFA Women’s World Cup.  Only, it’s not the host nation everyone thought might win.  OK New Zealand, you can stop celebrating now because you have the same chance of winning the real World Cup as the USA Eagles have of defeating the All Blacks in the Rugby World Cup, which as I said, is just around the corner.  But congratulations to the Football Ferns.  You did it!