The 2024 Totally Random Australian Rules Football (AFL) Finals
It is September and, in addition to that being the start
of the NFL season, it is also time for the Australian Rules Football (AFL)
finals. But nobody cares about the Grand
Final in the real world. The only thing
anyone cares about is the totally Random Finals. In this tournament, scores are determined
completely at random. Home field,
injuries, form, and talent levels are irrelevant. The tournament is played once, and all scores
are final. So, here goes.
First Round
We begin with the Port Adelaide Power (2) going against the
Geelong Cats (3). Port are deceptively
good. They have gone largely under the
radar, but they are very hard to score against, and they have toughness to go
with the strong defense. The Cats are
inconsistent, but when the switch is turned on, it is on in a big way. The Power dominate 138 – 87 in a surprisingly
high scoring game. The Power get a bye
and are two matches away from glory. The
Cats are beaten but not eliminated. They
play on next week. The Cats have a history
of losing these first games, then making serious noise from then on, so we’ll
see if that trend continues.
Next, we have the only game in Melbourne since three of the
top four teams are not from Victoria and the Cats are from Geelong, Victoria’s
other city. So, a football starved crowd
of 90,000 will cram into the MCG to watch this one. The Bulldogs have a small following so are
not used to playing in front of this many people. Meanwhile the Hawks began 2024 0-5 and were
the laughingstock of the AFL. They made
my Tigers jealous because they wanted to be the laughingstock instead. Hawthorn went on a tear while my Tigers
couldn’t win if they were the only team on the field. Going from 0-5 to 7th place and
playing the 6th place Bulldogs is an amazing achievement. Both teams are playing well, but the Hawks
are on another planet defeating the confident Bulldogs 54 – 87. Bye-bye Bulldogs. See you next year.
Next, we have the top team which is the Sydney Swans. They have a huge advantage because they have
a 16/17 chance of having a massive homefield advantage for playing a team not
from New south Wales. Unfortunately for
the Swans, they drew the 1/17 straw and face the other New South Wales team,
the Greater Western Sydney Giants. But
the Swans still have a decent home field advantage. They are the big brother and on this
occasion, they spank their little brother Giants by 47 points, 98 – 51. The Swans get a bye and are two matches away
from glory. Like the Cats, the Giants
are not eliminated but must win out to obtain the premiership.
Finally, we have the 5th place Lions going up
against the unluckiest, lucky team in the 8th place Blues. The Blues were bounced out of the finals with
12 seconds left in their last game, but were given a reprieve when the Power
took out the Dockers allowing Carlton to scrape in. The 8th place team usually gets
bounced, and this time is no exception. The
poor Blues are injury ravaged and lose by 120 points up in Brisbane 160 – 40. The Lions have a cool tradition. Each player has a song when they score a
goal. Lions forward Charlie Cameron
scores a lot of goals and his song is country Road by John Denver. This is a great song with the lyrics known by
just about everyone. By the end of this
game, though, this song is played so many times, people who still have physical
copies of music burn their John Denver albums.
I must say, though, I love this tradition.
I imagine me as an AFL Player. “And Breault gets the ball. He bombs from outside 50 and ohhhhhhhhh what
a goal! He has 8 for the match. Breault is a superstar!” And then, my chosen song plays which is the
Joker by the Steve Miller Band. Here
it is for those who don’t know it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3mfENm6VJc
Yes, it’s all about me.
The Second Round
The 4th place Giants get a home game against the 5th
place Lions. In front of 5,674 fans in
Western Sydney, the Giants show why they finished 4th saying goodbye
to the Lions 112 – 51. Those who burned
their John Denver albums after the Lions thrashed the Blues by 120 points in
the previous week rush to join Apple Music or Spodify. John Denver vinyl records break all kinds of
sales marks as people try to get John Denver back into their lives. This is a disappointing end to another Lions
season.
The second game features bitter rivals. The Cats and Hawks played one of the great
grand finals in 1989 and have hated one another ever since. Over 90,000 cram the MCG (Melbourne Cricket
Ground). Can the Hawks continue their
amazing form? With five minutes left,
the Hawks lead by 15 points. The 8th
place miracle is set to continue. But
Tom Hawkins, in what might be his last year, kicks 3 goals to stun the Hawks as
the Hawks go down to the Cats 131 – 130.
Yes, the Cats are doing it again.
They lose their first finals match only to kick butt in subsequent
matches. The Hawks fans are very angry
but when all is said and done, they realize they had a great year. This does not help, though, as Hawks fans
blame the umpires for their loss. That’s
what you do when you lose by a point.
The fact the Hawks have reason to gripe is irrelevant as the Cats move
on.
The Preliminary Finals
The Swans had a week off.
But all teams had a week off between the regular season and the finals,
so it probably doesn’t matter. These two
teams played in the 2022 Grand Final and the Cats massacred the Swans to
finally win a flag after 11 years mostly losing to my Tigers during that
time. So the Swans have every reason to
get revenge. Unfortunately for them,
this match is a repeat as the Cats once again obliterate the Swans in Sydney 68
– 149. This 81-point massacre is very
disappointing considering the Swans finished on top of the ladder at season’s
end. The Cats meow their way into yet
another Grand Final.
In the other game, the Port Adelaide Power play in front of
over 50,000 screaming fans in Adelaide against the GWS giants. The poor giants are lucky to have 5,000
people at their home games. It makes you
wonder whether this team can be viable.
But the Giants play hard despite this.
Port Adelaide remembers the last Preliminary Final they lost. It was a 6-point heartbreaker at home against
my tigers in 2020. My Tigers went on to
win the Grand Final that year and Port took a while to recover. They looked to be on the brink of collapse
this year and their coach was nearly run out of town. But they began to win, and win, and coach
went from goat to hero.
But I sincerely hope coach Ken Hinkley has a house in
another state because after the Power go down at home 43 – 156, Hinkley shouldn’t
hang around to address the team. He
needs to get out of Adelaide as fast as he can, then have a company bring his
family and belongings to him. When the
home team goes down by 113 points, fans get a little angry. The fans of Adelaide’s other team, the Crows,
are in raptures because they hate the Power more than any other team. Civil war breaks out in South Australia and
the Australian military is forced to to put an end to it. It’s an ugly scene all around.
The Grand Final
The Giants, with all of their 5,674 fans make their way to
the MCG to play the Cats in the Grand Final.
The Cats arrive with their 60,000 fans.
The rest of the 100,000 strong crowd is made up of Victorians who hate
the Cats, so the crowd is slightly in Geelong’s favor. The Giants have been close. They even made it to the 2019 Grand Final but
were blown out by 89 points against my tigers.
And yes, I’m going to mention my tigers winning championships whenever I
can. But they have been in the finals
every year and I personally like them because despite having a small following,
they play hard, and they play well.
Besides, their coach used to be an assistant coach for my Tigers when
they won three premierships in four years.
The Cats are confident. They have
the crowd behind them. But the Giants
have had enough of losing. They suffocate
the explosive Cats and switch them off, winning the Grand Final 80 – 50.
Congratulations to the GWS Giants for winning their first
ever Grand Final. Here is their great
theme song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27XRugei364
Next year, the giants will unfurl their Totally Random flag
in front of their now 6,258 fans. What a
great day that will be for them.
My prediction for
the real world is the Power. Let the
games begin!
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