The Totally Random 2023 Women's FIFA World Cup

The Totally Random FIFA Women’s World Cup

Ladies and gentleman, it is time for the 2023 FIFA World Cup co-hosted by Australia and New Zealand.  In Australia, there is a great deal of enthusiasm for the Matildas.  We are being told they will finally go all the way this time.  Meanwhile in New Zealand, more people visit Middle Earth sets than buy tickets for any of the games it seems.  Their women’s team, the, hmm, wait, I need to google this because I have no idea what they are called. . .the Football Ferns.  The what?  What the hell is a football fern?  That’s not even a real plant.  Well, for my American readers since I live in Australia I can shed some light on this mystery.  There is a sport played by English Commonwealth nations called Netball.  New Zealand’s team are the Silver Ferns, which is a real plant with the botanical name of Alsophila dealbata,.  And no I did not need to google this.  OK, I lied.  I definitely needed to google this.  At least a Silver Fern is native to New Zealand.  It is difficult for New Zealanders to come up with names.  Their world famous men’s rugby team is known as the All Blacks.  It was too much for their national cricket team to come up with an original name so they put black hats on and called themselves the Black Caps.  So, nobody seems to care about the Football Ferns in New Zealand.

 

Maybe this is because what the people of New Zealand really care about is the Totally Random 2023 FIFA’s World Cup.  This is because they actually have a chance of winning in this tournament.  In this tournament, merit, form, skill and experience have nothing to do with the results.  I run the tournament once and the results are totally random.  I admit, I do not know much about women’s football other than the fact the good teams are Australia, USA, Canada, England, Germany, and I think Holland.  Japan is up there too but they have faded in recent years.   As for the rest, I have no idea.  Without any further delay or snide remarks about New Zealand, here is what happened.

 

Group Stages

Group A

Switzerland

New Zealand

Philippines

Norway

 

In front of an average of 29 screaming fans, screaming as they read the latest on the All Blacks on their phones, Switzerland emerge winners of group A.  But New Zealand survives to advance.  All kidding aside, New Zealanders are tough.  They do not back down from anyone.  New Zealand embraces the Football Ferns and wave real Silver Fern branches at the games.  But since crowds are modest, no environmental impact is recorded.

 

Group B

Nigeria

Ireland

Australia

Canada

 

This group has two heavyweights in Australia and Canada.  The stadium in Sydney is packed to watch Australia smash Ireland on their way to advancing.  The result is a 5-5 draw.  This is disappointing, but not the end of the world.  Something has to be done about the Matildas defense though.  Canada is a disaster though going down to Nigeria 5-1.  Disappointment turns to sheer panic though when Australia get blown away by Nigeria 0-4 in their next game.  Meanwhile Canada’s defense is much better.  They only concede one goal to Ireland.  The problem is, they don’t score any.  Canada can pretty much kiss their tournament goodbye as they move into their third stage game against Australia.  In Canada, a study shows that Canada’s woes are due to the majority of players being Toronto Maple Leaf fans who are quite used to loosing.  Oh, I’m so mean!  Poor Toronto.  In Canada, there is a saying.  “Spring is here and the Leafs are out.”  You might think I am full of spite, but Canada does not actually have a name for their team.  The closest name they have is. . .wait for it. . .wait some more. . .The Maple Leafs.  This is because of the Canadian flag.  So please, do some research on the Toronto Maple Leafs of the National Hockey League and you will understand why I am laughing.

 

But Australia is not laughing.  They absolutely must win their third stage game.  They do win a 3-5 win over Canada but sadly, Nigeria and Ireland walk up and down the field to a 1-1 draw.  Australia is out!  Victoria Premier Daniel Andrews, who cancelled the 2026 Commonwealth Games in Victoria after winning the bid, throwing the games into chaos, is suddenly a national treasure as Australians demand their Prime Minister resigns for not pulling out of the FIFA World Cup after securing the bid.  Parliament is dissolved and Hugh Jackman becomes a reluctant Prime Minister.  Everyone loves him.

 

Group C

Japan

Spain

Costa Rica

Zambia

 

This group goes to plan.  Nothing more need be said here.

 

Group D

England

Denmark

Haiti

China

 

This group is also unremarkable going to script.  Unfortunately immediately after England’s controversial 4-5 win during the third group stage over China, China claims the result is an imperialistic plot which forms a prelude for England to recapture Hong Kong.  China decides to invade Taiwan to restore national pride which has been smashed, and we are plunged into World War III.  Who says sports does not matter?

 

Group E

USA

Vietnam

Netherlands

Portugal

 

The Dutch and Portuguese party for days despite their poor showing because they are just glad to be away from the oppressive heat gripping Europe.  The USA is dominant winning all three group games.  Back in America, MAGA supporters riot because they were hoping the USA would bomb out of the tournament so they could blame one more thing on Joe Biden.  When this does not eventuate, frustration boils over.

 

Group F

Panama

Jamaica

France

Brazil

 

I don’t really know if this is an up-side down result, but I think it is.  I saw in the news Brazil had some hope here.  Well, not this time.

 

Group G

Sweden

Italy

Argentina

South Africa

 

Argentina was so hoping to emulate the men’s team who won the 2022 Men’s World Cup but to no avail.  This cup is thrown into disarray, though, when it is revealed the Lionel Messi disguised himself as a woman and wore one of those Mission Impossible masks to complete the disguise.  The world became suspicious when in the second group game when this occurred, this woman scored 17 goals in the first 15 minutes of the match against South Africa.  Close-up camera angles revealed a bulge where there shouldn’t be one, and the gig was up.  Argentina will be sanctioned, of course, but in this instance, the game started over and Argentina, without Messi, won 1-0.  It was not enough though as they bowed out.

Group H

Morocco

Germany

Columbia

South Korea

 

I basically have no idea here so I’ll leave it a that except to say that during a warmup friendly between Ireland and Columbia, the game had to be called off because Ireland felt Columbia was too physical.  During their opening match against South Korea, two players were sent off when one player lifted a South Korean over her head while another Columbia player executed a flying DDT on the poor woman, then produced a steel chair out of nowhere and proceeded to hit the prone woman.

 

The Stage of 16

There were some shocking results in this first knockout round.  Spain destroyed Switzerland 0-5 but the real shocker was when Italy wiped the USA out 4-1.  There was rejoicing in America among MAGA supporters because now they could blame Joe Biden.  They also blamed Hunter Biden for the loss and the House opened an official investigation.  The Football Ferns, in front of a much larger crowd, took out dark horse Japan 0-4 in a surprisingly easy victory.  Well, at least one host nation has shown up.  Sweden has a fairly comfortable win over Vietnam while Germany wins a thriller against Panama 3-4.  Morocco goes down to Jamaica 0-4.  Nigeria defeats Denmark 4-1.  I think that is surprising but I really don’t know.

 

But the match everyone wanted to see was England v. Ireland.  Things started off badly for England when Mary Eaps, the English goalkeeper stepped away from her goal thinking the ball was dead only to have Ireland slam through the opener.  It’s the second Ashes test all over again.  England cannot recover from this.  They are in disarray and Ireland records a shockingly easy 5-0 win.

 

The Quarterfinals

When Spain plays Italy neither team wants to lose because they would have to go back to the heat.  But it is hotter in Italy so the Italians win 1-5.  Sweden is a dark horse and when they score two goals against host nation New Zealand, it appears the not real plants will join Australia on the sidelines.  But the Football Ferns are made of sterner stuff and score four goals to advance to the semifinals 4-2.  Now New Zealand is truly behind their team at long last.  Nigeria wins a thriller over Germany 4-3 while Ireland lose 1-4 to Jamaica probably because all their players are still drunk due to wild partying after their victory over England.

 

It’s official.  All the big names are out.  This is what makes the Totally Random tournament so awesome.

The Semifinals

New Zealand is now 100% behind their team while all of Australia secretly hope the Football Ferns get smashed back into the stone age because we are extremely bitter and jealous here.  Australia has a large Italian population but their psychic powers are of no use as the incredible not a real plant New Zealand team wins easily 2-5.  Oh no, the unthinkable might happen.  Meanwhile Jamaica defeats Nigeria in a game very few people watch.

 

Third Place Game

Who cares.  I don’t.  Neither does anyone else.  Why does FIFA insist on having this farce?  For the record, Nigeria defeats the Italians 3-5.  They all go out for pizza and pasta afterward.

The Big One

Australia holds a national day of prayer asking for divine assistance in defeating New Zealand.  Unfortunately, Australia made the mistake of praying to old Jamaican gods.  The one true God waxes wroth and leads New Zealand to an amazing 3-0 win in front of a screaming packed stadium in Sydney.  To make matters worse for Australia, the tourism industry makes $0.00 because more New Zealanders live in Sydney then there are in New Zealand so they were all basically a train ride away.  The New South Wales Premier is forced to resign and disgraced former premier Gladys Berejiklian is swept back to power even though she was done big time for corruption.  The people of New South Wales reason that a corrupt premier would have ensured New Zealand’s defeat and in anger against a pure and ethical premier which led to a horrible result, they bring the corrupt premier back in because the Rugby World Cup is just around the corner, and Dam it, the Wallabies need to win this time!

So after all that, a host nation wins the 2023 FIFA Women’s World Cup.  Only, it’s not the host nation everyone thought might win.  OK New Zealand, you can stop celebrating now because you have the same chance of winning the real World Cup as the USA Eagles have of defeating the All Blacks in the Rugby World Cup, which as I said, is just around the corner.  But congratulations to the Football Ferns.  You did it!