The totally Random 2024 NHL Playoffs

 Totally Random NHL Playoffs

Ladies and gentlemen, the race for the Stanley cup begins at long last.  The NHL playoffs are simply the best.  Among the four major sports in the USA, this is by far the most chaotic playoff race there is.  Anyone can win.  But while the real teams play for the real Stanley Cup, it is time for the Totally Random NHL playoffs.  Who will lift the Random Cup?  The way this works is simple.  The series are run once.  Merit, home ice, injuries and recent form play no part.  The results are completely random so let’s see what happened.  One thing in the real world we know for sure is that the Rangers are doomed, and this gives me warm fuzzy feelings.  Why?  Well, they are doomed because they won the Presidents’ trophy this year being the best team in the regular season.  This trophy is cursed as my Bruins can attest from 2023.  I also have warm feelings because the Rangers are evil.  So will this curse apply to the totally random universe?

First Round

In a pretty one-sided series, the Islanders take out the higher ranked Hurricanes four games to one and the Hurricanes only got that one win because they were lucky.

My Bruins faded at the end, and they take on the up-start Maple Leafs who have all of Canada behind them.  This series is tense with the Bruins jumping out to a 2-0 series lead holding home ice.  But the Leafs return the favor and when they win game 5 in Boston, all hope seems lost.  It’s another first round exit for my Bruins.  But a nail biting 1-0 win in Toronto evens the series and in game 7, the Bruins survive in overtime 4-3, winning the series by that same score.  Phew.  Toronto goes into morning.  Spring is still here, and the Leafs are still out, though later than usual.

Last year the Panthers were an afterthought until they shocked the world and advanced all the way to the finals.  That game 7 win in Boston still haunts me.  This year they top the Atlantic Division but what they did last year gets done to them this year as the never-say-die Lightning take them down rather easily four games to one.

The Presidents’ Trophy curse is put on hold as the Rangers take care of the Capitals who to be honest are really kind of lucky to be here at all.  They do it in 6 games, which is probably one more than I expect in the real world.

Now to the West.  Last year’s champions the Golden Knights scraped in as a wild card this year.  They play the highly fancied, but I think somewhat suspect Stars.  This series goes 7 games with each game being a nail biter.  In Texas and Nevada, Xanax use is at an all-time high.  In game 7 in front of screaming Stars fans, it is last year’s champs who rise from the dead, being down 3 games to 1, to win the last 3 with a 1-0 win in game 7.  Wow what a series.  99% of the Stars fans at the game are also Dallas Cowboys fans.  This loss, coupled with the Cowboys collapse earlier this year is too much for Texas.  As a result, Texas secedes from all American sports bodies.  Texas governor Greg Abbott puts all professional sports players in Texas on buses and sends them to sanctuary cities.

Meanwhile the Oilers sweep the Kings.  Nothing much to report there.  The Avalanche and the Jets play a thrilling series that goes 7 games.  In a 3-2 overtime thriller, the higher seed Jets prevail.  Canada still has a team in contention.

But Canada’s cup runneth over because the Canucks also qualify after nearly blowing 3 games to 1 lead.  Canada declares a day of reflection not having had three teams advance in the Stanley cup playoffs in a very long time.

The Second Round

The NHL playoffs matchups for the second round are not always straightforward.  I think I have these right.  In the east, we have a New York civil War with the Islanders playing the Rangers.  The Islanders have always been the other team in New York and although they fight hard against Big Brother, the Rangers prevail in 6.  Hey what happened to the curse?

Meanwhile the Tampa Bay Lightning go up against my Bruins.  The Lightning always gives us trouble, but not this year.  It’s broom time in Bean Town as the Bruins cruise to a showdown with the hated and ultra-evil Rangers.

Meanwhile in the west, Canada experiences pain as the Canucks go down to last year’s champs the Golden Knights.  Vegas is hopping, while Vancouver goes into morning.  Vancouver may have never hoisted the Stanley Cup, but they still have Stanley Park which I highly recommend to anyone who visits that great city. 

The other two Canadian teams play one another.  This is a great seven game series in which the road team wins the first 6 games.  Amazing.  But in game 7, Winnipeg erupts as their Jets survive a 2-1 thriller to advance.

Conference Finals

In the east, hatred is real.  Both teams are original 6 teams.  I’ve hated the rangers ever since I knew what hatred was.  (note, I’m talking about sports hate).  The screaming fans of New York are livid when the Bruins win game one 1-0.  But the Rangers even things up and when they win game 3 in Boston, hope seems restored.  But Boston evens things up.  Tied 2-2, the Rangers fans get what they want, a home game for the pivotal game 5 matchup.  But the Bruins shock the Rangers in overtime 3-2 and take the same series lead.  In game 6 in front of screaming fans in Boston, the Rangers score a first quarter goal and hang on from there.  This is incredibly frustrating, not scoring a single goal in a clinching game.  Game 7 causes state law enforcement agencies in both states to man the borders.  This could get ugly.  In a dramatic game, my Bruins finally level the Presidents’ Trophy curse hammer on these Rangers who dared to hope their defiance of the sports gods would go unnoticed.  They are knocked out in heartbreaking fashion, and it is my Bruins who do it.  Life is good.

In the west, the prospect that a team from Canada might make it to the Stanley Cup finals causes Justin Trudeau to declare a National Day of Prayer.  And the sports gods seem to answer their prayer as the Jets take 2 games to none lead over last year’s champs.  But then the Knights even things up and when they win game five in Winnipeg, Trudeau declares another National Day of Prayer, but adds fasting and rending of garments to the mix.  This is too much for the sports gods.  Canada will not have a team play for the one trophy the nation cares about over all else.  In a heartbreaking overtime loss, the flame of Canada, not to be confused with the Calgary Flames who did not qualify, is snuffed out by these pesky champions.  It will be the Golden Knights against the Bruins for the most coveted trophy in all of sports.

The Stanley Cup Final

The Totally Random universe gives us the matchup we should have had last year and which we would have had, except for the fact the Bruins choked against the Panthers in the first round despite breaking all NHL regular season records.

This matchup lives up to the billing.  The Golden Knights take a 3-2 lead but in front of screaming Vegas fans hoping for a back-to-back scenario, the Bruins shut down the Golden Knights 2-0 to bring the decider back to Boston.

But sadly for me, just as the Bruins lost game 7 at home to the Blues, they lose this one as well 3-2 to the now back-to-back Champs.

Well, technically, the Golden Knights are not back-to-back champs because this is the Totally Random tournament.  But congratulations to them for winning it.  As for the real Stanley Cup I would have picked my Bruins, but they faded toward the end so my objective prediction is that  the Canucks to win their first ever.  Let the games begin!