Totally Random Euro2024

 

The Totally Random UEFA Euro2024 Tournament

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time for the Totally Random UEFA 2024 European Championship.  This is my second favorite sports event.  For those who have too much time on their hands and wonder what my sporting rankings are, here goes.

1.      FIFA men’s World cup

2.      UEFA European Championship.

3.      Olympics

4.      Super Bowl

5.      Stanley Cup finals (I hate the Florida Panthers by the way).

6.      NBA Finals

7.      Australian Rules Football Finals.

Needless to say, as far as domestic competitions go, if my team is in the finals or playoffs, as we call them in America, then the competition is elevated in the rankings, but this is generally how I go.  Right now my Boston Celtics have a good chance to win the NBA title so the NBA finals have moved up in my ranks for this season. 

 

So I am very excited about Euro2024.  In my household it is either Allez Les Bleus or Deutschland über Alles.  The reason is simple.  I am French via America, and my wife is German via Australia.  But there is a twist this year because my wife Elizabeth is also Hungarian, and Hungary is in Group A with Germany.  So things could get tricky except that Elizabeth really does not give a crap about football of the international kind, so I think she will experience very little internal turmoil.    As for the rest of us, we are still recovering from Italy winning in 2020.

 

This is the Totally Random Euro2024.  Home country, home field, talent level, and form have nothing to do with the results.  The results are totally random.  My program is run once no matter what.  This year, there are six groups, A-F.  the top 2 in teach group go through along with the four best third place teams.

Group Stage

Given that four third place teams advance, I think it is best to start with who finished at the bottom of each group and believe me, this is shocking.  The bottom feeders were:  Germany, Italy, England, Poland, Belgium, and Czechia.  That is incredible.  The tournament began with an utterly shocking 3-0 Scotland victory over Germany in the first match.  With the score at 0-0 at halftime, the Scottish team came out in the second half and mooned the German team.  After the match, Steve Clark, the manager of Scotland’s national team, said at the press conference that Scotland was inspired by the scene in Braveheart in which the Scottish army under William Wallace mooned the English.  This, of course, never happened historically as far as we know.  And since I’m talking about Braveheart, William Wallace never did it with the queen, never fathered the queen’s child, and William Wallace did not lose against Edward I because he was betrayed by Robert the Bruce.  William Wallace actually lost for two reasons.  Edward I was a superior general, and Edward I had Welsh longbowmen whom the Scots simply could not deal with.  Other than these minor historical flaws, the movie was actually pretty accurate.  The actions of Scotland so shocked the Germans, they fell apart leading to the 3-0 win. 

I don’t have time to catalog all of the results for the group stage, but after England defeated Serbia 0-2 in their first match, no one expected the 5-0 loss to Denmark and the 0-3 loss to Slovenia which followed.  England was embroiled in another scandal when English PM Rishi Sunak left at half time during the Denmark match so he could fly back to England to have an interview with the Sun newspaper which he absolutely had to have in person because we wouldn’t want him to take advantage of Remote tech.  To make matters worse, Sunak expressed outrage in that interview because the Welsh team failed to pay him their respects.  The interviewer apparently did not have the heart to tell him that Wales failed to qualify for the tournament this time.

And so with the group stages over, the football world was turned upside down. 

The Round of 16

There was only one draw in the group stages.  This is remarkable for a random tournament.  That happened to be a 0-0 special between Holland and Austria.  But now the knockout stages have begun and there are no more draws.

The first match pitted Croatia against Portugal.  Despite all the upsets, this game featured two powerful European teams.  Croatia played with flair and daring, but Portugal played with even more flair and daring on their way to a 0-2 win. 

Scotland is the surprise team of the tournament.  They have gone from strength to strength after their 0-3 shocking victory over Germany in the first match.  And the bagpipes keep on playing, much to the annoyance of the TV audience as they beat Denmark 5-4.  The BBC produced a special in which fans from all over the world expressed nostalgia for the vuvuzelas of South Africa.  FIFA made sure this match was played at night because a special report from DW News said that when  Scotland mooned Germany, the Germans were blinded by the glair coming off that white skin and were handicapped for the remainder of the match.  But Scotland’s victory demonstrated to the world that they are more than a flash in the pan, or should I say, in the pants.

Georgia v Albania was a snoozefest which ended 0-0.  But after 120 minutes of dull football, the penalty shootout almost made up for it as Albania moved past Georgia 5-6.  Georgia protested on the grounds that more than 20% of funding for Albania came from foreign sources and while FIFA has yet to decide, most people believe their protest will fail on the grounds that more than 20% of funding for the Georgian team also comes from foreign sources.

Meanwhile Les Bleus smashed poor Romania 4-0 and the world began to contemplate the horror of four years of the French as the holders.

In an exciting match. It was Slovakia 3-4 Austria.  Normally, no one would care, but in a Totally Random tournament, this could be quite impactful.

The match between the Netherlands and Türkiye was one of the most bizarre matches in football history.  After 120 minutes of 0-0 football, no one seemed to want to slot home a penalty kick.  Holland won 1-0 on penalties.  What made matters worse is that each goalkeeper only saved one penalty kick each meaning the rest went high or wide.  Amazing.

The world rallied behind Ukraine, but sadly, they went down 4-2 to Slovenia.  What a gallant effort though, even in the Totally Random tournament.

And lastly, Hungary went down to Spain 0-1 in a match that was much more difficult for Spain than anticipated.  Rumors circulated that Victor Orbán threatened to block vital EU legislation if they were not allowed to win.  These rumors were given validity because when Lamine Yamal scored an absolutely brilliant goal in stoppage time to break the 0-0 deadlock, he was heard to shout “Screw You Orbán!”  Commentators remarked on his English-speaking prowess. 

And with that, we move to the quarterfinals.  Europe has to come to terms with the possibility the French or the Dutch will be champions of Europe.  European president Ursula von der Leyen called an emergency meeting to draw up contingency plans should either team win.

The Quarterfinals

The bagpipes played long and loud during Scotland’s match against Portugal.  But the world only had to endure 90 more minutes of the loud music because Portugal sent Scotland packing 1-0.

Meanwhile Albania produced what might be the most shocking result of the tournament.  Not only did they defeat France, they did so 4-0.  Les Bleus became Les Malades.  Europe breathes a sigh of relief.

Holland cruises by Austria 0-3 while Spain seemed to be cruising past Slovenia with a 4-1 lead in the 83^rd minute.  But Slovenia scored two goals and nearly scored the equalizer in stoppage time when the only thing that saved Spain from extra time was the crossbar.  So Spain hung on 3-4.

The Semifinals

With France knocked out, Ursula von der Leyen releases Europe’s contingency plan should Holland win.  It involves bunkers and mandatory conscription.  Debate raged as to whether she confused this with Germany’s first comprehensive war plan since the Cold War that was released in early June.  Needless to say, the world stands on a knife’s edge.

In a surprisingly difficult game for Portugal, they nevertheless prevailed over the Cinderella team of the tournament Albania.  After scoring in the 18^th minute, Portugal hung on 1-0.  Portugal is playing good solid all around football.

Netherlands v. Spain lives up to all the hype.  This match is open, attacking, and many goals are scored.  With Spain leading 3-4 in the 85^th minute, it looks like the Dutch will go down in yet another close tournament game.  But they equalized with a brilliant shot from a free kick, then went on to win it in extra time.  The final score is Netherlands 5-4 Spain.  There is a real possibility the Dutch may actually win.  Stock exchanges all over Europe fall dramatically at the prospect.

The Final

There doesn’t seem to be a 3^rd place match this time.  Good riddance.  This ain’t the Olympics.  There can only be one winner.  And in a pretty entertaining match, Portugal proves too much for the Dutch.  With the score tied 2-2 in an exciting first half, the Portuguese put on three second half goals to win Euro2024 5-2.  They really were the best Totally Random team throughout.  So congratulations.

As for the real tournament, my prediction is Les Bleus but not just because I am going for them.  Bring it on.  I can’t wait!

 

The 2024 Totally Random NBA Playoffs

 The 2024 Totally Random NBA Playoffs

The long NBA regular season is finally and mercifully, in my opinion, over.  It is about 10 games too long in my opinion.  But it’s done now which means it is time for the Totally Random 2024 NBA Playoffs.  Merit, home court, injuries, and form play no part.  Each series and subsequent rounds are run once to get a completely random result.  I ran the results before the playoffs started but did not have time to write and post this before the first games began.  So here is what happened.

The First Round

In the east, the Heat got in through the play-in tournament once more and face the team with the best record in the NBA, my Boston Celtics.  This is a rematch of the Eastern Conference Final from last year in which Boston came back from a 3-0 deficit only to be blown off their home court by the Heat who advanced to the NBA final.  That was one of the most embarrassing losses in franchise history and I have followed the Celtics since the Dave Collins era, that’s how old I am.  And the demons resurfaced as the Heat took game 1 in Boston.  But the Celtics snapped out of it and won the next four advancing with a 4-1 series win.  That is what should have happened last year, but the totally Random universe brought vindication to the Celtics, at least for now.

Meanwhile the 76ers play the Knicks in a series I am really looking forward to.  The Knicks are finally relevant and both venues were loud, even in the Totally Random Universe.  The 76ers also took game 1 in New York emulating the Heat in Boston.  The Knicks evened things up and then the teams traded games until the poor Knicks fans were about to drop from exhaustion when Game 7 finally hit New York.  But all went well for starved Knicks fans.  They prevailed over the 76ers in a tight game 7.

The real shock happened with Pacers v. Bucks.  The Pacers swept.  Wow, I did not see that one coming.  But in the world of total randomness, bizarre things like this can happen.

When it came to the Magic against the Cavaliers, it was hard to pick a winner.  In the end, the Magic prevailed by winning a road Game 7 rather comfortably.  Cleveland is used to being disappointed though and they can now transfer their false hopes on to the Guardians in MLB before once again sinking hopelessly with the Browns later this year.

In the West the Thunder surprised by being the number one seed in the West and they dispatched the play-in Pelicans in 6 games.  But how would the Nuggets go against the Lakers?  The Lakers won game 1 in Denver.  Game 1 road wins were a trend in the totally Random tournament.  Only the Timberwolves held serve in game 1.  The Nuggets were sluggish, but they found their rhythm in the end winning in 6 games.  Bye-bye Lakers and good riddance. 

The Timberwolves may have held serve at home in Game 1, but it was the rejuvenated Suns who took the series in 6.  The Timberwolves looked promising early in the season, but ultimately bowed out in the first round. 

And finally, in a bitterly fought series between the Mavericks and the Clippers, it was the Mavericks who won Game 7 on the road to advance to the next round.  This was a surprise to everyone.

The Second Round

The Indiana Pacers might have swept the Bucks in the first round, but they nearly got swept by the C’s in the second round.  Boston won the first 3 games of the series.  Indiana got a token win at home in Game 4 before Boston took care of business in game 5 winning the series easily 4-1.

Knicks fans are torn between thinking they are in Disneyland and actually having a good team.  In the second round they play the Magic who play in Orlando which is the home of Disneyworld.  But Orlando runs out of Magic and Knicks fans climb to the next level on the mountain.  New York is confused because they have hardly been here in 50 years.  Governor Kathy Hochul orders a commission to study this rare event.

Meanwhile in the west, the Phoenix Suns topple the young Thunder 4-3.  Although they are disappointed, Thunder fans know they have much to look forward to.  This is a young and dynamic team.

If the Pacers’ four game sweep of Milwaukee in round 1 was a shock, the Mavericks broom job over the Nuggets is beyond comprehension.  None of the games except the clincher are close.  In the clincher, the Mavericks prevail 105-103 in front of a stunned but happy home crowd.  The people of Texas begin to voice the opinion that Greg Abbott might have been premature when he seceded from all American professional sports bodies.  The Texas Supreme court puts a stay on the order pending the Mavericks NBA chances.  (See the Totally Random NHL Playoffs).

The Conference Finals

Here we go again, New York v. Boston.  We had Yankees Red Sox, we had Giants Patriots.  The New York Jets don’t really count I’m sorry to say.  We have had the Rangers Bruins for years.  But Knicks fans care about their basketball, and they have been starved.  But unfortunately for New York, the Celtics have found their rhythm and tear through the overachieving Knicks bringing their brooms to New York and sweeping the series.  Yes for a neutral that was anticlimactic but for Celtics fans, oh how sweet it is.  We’re back in the finals. 

Meanwhile the Mavericks are on fire, taking out the suns easily in five games. Phoenix sued the NBA claiming Texas teams had seceded and so the result does not count.  This will go to the Supreme Court.  But for now, the Mavericks fly to Boston for the final.

The NBA Finals

This series appears to be one-sided when the unstoppable Celtics win the first 3 games.  But doubt creeps in as the Mavericks survive with a 2-point win in Game 4, then stun the home Boston crowd who were looking forward to a home court clinch as they did against the Lakers in 2008, the last time Bean town celebrated an NBA championship.  The Celtics are overanxious and miss most of their 3’s.  The Mavericks believe as they return home for Game 6.  But reality sets in and Boston seals the deal in Dallas, winning Banner 18!  Congratulations to the Boston Celtics, winners of the 2024 totally Random NBA Playoffs.  Let’s hope the real world brings the same result.  Go Celtics!

 

 

 

The totally Random 2024 NHL Playoffs

 Totally Random NHL Playoffs

Ladies and gentlemen, the race for the Stanley cup begins at long last.  The NHL playoffs are simply the best.  Among the four major sports in the USA, this is by far the most chaotic playoff race there is.  Anyone can win.  But while the real teams play for the real Stanley Cup, it is time for the Totally Random NHL playoffs.  Who will lift the Random Cup?  The way this works is simple.  The series are run once.  Merit, home ice, injuries and recent form play no part.  The results are completely random so let’s see what happened.  One thing in the real world we know for sure is that the Rangers are doomed, and this gives me warm fuzzy feelings.  Why?  Well, they are doomed because they won the Presidents’ trophy this year being the best team in the regular season.  This trophy is cursed as my Bruins can attest from 2023.  I also have warm feelings because the Rangers are evil.  So will this curse apply to the totally random universe?

First Round

In a pretty one-sided series, the Islanders take out the higher ranked Hurricanes four games to one and the Hurricanes only got that one win because they were lucky.

My Bruins faded at the end, and they take on the up-start Maple Leafs who have all of Canada behind them.  This series is tense with the Bruins jumping out to a 2-0 series lead holding home ice.  But the Leafs return the favor and when they win game 5 in Boston, all hope seems lost.  It’s another first round exit for my Bruins.  But a nail biting 1-0 win in Toronto evens the series and in game 7, the Bruins survive in overtime 4-3, winning the series by that same score.  Phew.  Toronto goes into morning.  Spring is still here, and the Leafs are still out, though later than usual.

Last year the Panthers were an afterthought until they shocked the world and advanced all the way to the finals.  That game 7 win in Boston still haunts me.  This year they top the Atlantic Division but what they did last year gets done to them this year as the never-say-die Lightning take them down rather easily four games to one.

The Presidents’ Trophy curse is put on hold as the Rangers take care of the Capitals who to be honest are really kind of lucky to be here at all.  They do it in 6 games, which is probably one more than I expect in the real world.

Now to the West.  Last year’s champions the Golden Knights scraped in as a wild card this year.  They play the highly fancied, but I think somewhat suspect Stars.  This series goes 7 games with each game being a nail biter.  In Texas and Nevada, Xanax use is at an all-time high.  In game 7 in front of screaming Stars fans, it is last year’s champs who rise from the dead, being down 3 games to 1, to win the last 3 with a 1-0 win in game 7.  Wow what a series.  99% of the Stars fans at the game are also Dallas Cowboys fans.  This loss, coupled with the Cowboys collapse earlier this year is too much for Texas.  As a result, Texas secedes from all American sports bodies.  Texas governor Greg Abbott puts all professional sports players in Texas on buses and sends them to sanctuary cities.

Meanwhile the Oilers sweep the Kings.  Nothing much to report there.  The Avalanche and the Jets play a thrilling series that goes 7 games.  In a 3-2 overtime thriller, the higher seed Jets prevail.  Canada still has a team in contention.

But Canada’s cup runneth over because the Canucks also qualify after nearly blowing 3 games to 1 lead.  Canada declares a day of reflection not having had three teams advance in the Stanley cup playoffs in a very long time.

The Second Round

The NHL playoffs matchups for the second round are not always straightforward.  I think I have these right.  In the east, we have a New York civil War with the Islanders playing the Rangers.  The Islanders have always been the other team in New York and although they fight hard against Big Brother, the Rangers prevail in 6.  Hey what happened to the curse?

Meanwhile the Tampa Bay Lightning go up against my Bruins.  The Lightning always gives us trouble, but not this year.  It’s broom time in Bean Town as the Bruins cruise to a showdown with the hated and ultra-evil Rangers.

Meanwhile in the west, Canada experiences pain as the Canucks go down to last year’s champs the Golden Knights.  Vegas is hopping, while Vancouver goes into morning.  Vancouver may have never hoisted the Stanley Cup, but they still have Stanley Park which I highly recommend to anyone who visits that great city. 

The other two Canadian teams play one another.  This is a great seven game series in which the road team wins the first 6 games.  Amazing.  But in game 7, Winnipeg erupts as their Jets survive a 2-1 thriller to advance.

Conference Finals

In the east, hatred is real.  Both teams are original 6 teams.  I’ve hated the rangers ever since I knew what hatred was.  (note, I’m talking about sports hate).  The screaming fans of New York are livid when the Bruins win game one 1-0.  But the Rangers even things up and when they win game 3 in Boston, hope seems restored.  But Boston evens things up.  Tied 2-2, the Rangers fans get what they want, a home game for the pivotal game 5 matchup.  But the Bruins shock the Rangers in overtime 3-2 and take the same series lead.  In game 6 in front of screaming fans in Boston, the Rangers score a first quarter goal and hang on from there.  This is incredibly frustrating, not scoring a single goal in a clinching game.  Game 7 causes state law enforcement agencies in both states to man the borders.  This could get ugly.  In a dramatic game, my Bruins finally level the Presidents’ Trophy curse hammer on these Rangers who dared to hope their defiance of the sports gods would go unnoticed.  They are knocked out in heartbreaking fashion, and it is my Bruins who do it.  Life is good.

In the west, the prospect that a team from Canada might make it to the Stanley Cup finals causes Justin Trudeau to declare a National Day of Prayer.  And the sports gods seem to answer their prayer as the Jets take 2 games to none lead over last year’s champs.  But then the Knights even things up and when they win game five in Winnipeg, Trudeau declares another National Day of Prayer, but adds fasting and rending of garments to the mix.  This is too much for the sports gods.  Canada will not have a team play for the one trophy the nation cares about over all else.  In a heartbreaking overtime loss, the flame of Canada, not to be confused with the Calgary Flames who did not qualify, is snuffed out by these pesky champions.  It will be the Golden Knights against the Bruins for the most coveted trophy in all of sports.

The Stanley Cup Final

The Totally Random universe gives us the matchup we should have had last year and which we would have had, except for the fact the Bruins choked against the Panthers in the first round despite breaking all NHL regular season records.

This matchup lives up to the billing.  The Golden Knights take a 3-2 lead but in front of screaming Vegas fans hoping for a back-to-back scenario, the Bruins shut down the Golden Knights 2-0 to bring the decider back to Boston.

But sadly for me, just as the Bruins lost game 7 at home to the Blues, they lose this one as well 3-2 to the now back-to-back Champs.

Well, technically, the Golden Knights are not back-to-back champs because this is the Totally Random tournament.  But congratulations to them for winning it.  As for the real Stanley Cup I would have picked my Bruins, but they faded toward the end so my objective prediction is that  the Canucks to win their first ever.  Let the games begin!

The Totally Random 2023 Women's FIFA World Cup

The Totally Random FIFA Women’s World Cup

Ladies and gentleman, it is time for the 2023 FIFA World Cup co-hosted by Australia and New Zealand.  In Australia, there is a great deal of enthusiasm for the Matildas.  We are being told they will finally go all the way this time.  Meanwhile in New Zealand, more people visit Middle Earth sets than buy tickets for any of the games it seems.  Their women’s team, the, hmm, wait, I need to google this because I have no idea what they are called. . .the Football Ferns.  The what?  What the hell is a football fern?  That’s not even a real plant.  Well, for my American readers since I live in Australia I can shed some light on this mystery.  There is a sport played by English Commonwealth nations called Netball.  New Zealand’s team are the Silver Ferns, which is a real plant with the botanical name of Alsophila dealbata,.  And no I did not need to google this.  OK, I lied.  I definitely needed to google this.  At least a Silver Fern is native to New Zealand.  It is difficult for New Zealanders to come up with names.  Their world famous men’s rugby team is known as the All Blacks.  It was too much for their national cricket team to come up with an original name so they put black hats on and called themselves the Black Caps.  So, nobody seems to care about the Football Ferns in New Zealand.

 

Maybe this is because what the people of New Zealand really care about is the Totally Random 2023 FIFA’s World Cup.  This is because they actually have a chance of winning in this tournament.  In this tournament, merit, form, skill and experience have nothing to do with the results.  I run the tournament once and the results are totally random.  I admit, I do not know much about women’s football other than the fact the good teams are Australia, USA, Canada, England, Germany, and I think Holland.  Japan is up there too but they have faded in recent years.   As for the rest, I have no idea.  Without any further delay or snide remarks about New Zealand, here is what happened.

 

Group Stages

Group A

Switzerland

New Zealand

Philippines

Norway

 

In front of an average of 29 screaming fans, screaming as they read the latest on the All Blacks on their phones, Switzerland emerge winners of group A.  But New Zealand survives to advance.  All kidding aside, New Zealanders are tough.  They do not back down from anyone.  New Zealand embraces the Football Ferns and wave real Silver Fern branches at the games.  But since crowds are modest, no environmental impact is recorded.

 

Group B

Nigeria

Ireland

Australia

Canada

 

This group has two heavyweights in Australia and Canada.  The stadium in Sydney is packed to watch Australia smash Ireland on their way to advancing.  The result is a 5-5 draw.  This is disappointing, but not the end of the world.  Something has to be done about the Matildas defense though.  Canada is a disaster though going down to Nigeria 5-1.  Disappointment turns to sheer panic though when Australia get blown away by Nigeria 0-4 in their next game.  Meanwhile Canada’s defense is much better.  They only concede one goal to Ireland.  The problem is, they don’t score any.  Canada can pretty much kiss their tournament goodbye as they move into their third stage game against Australia.  In Canada, a study shows that Canada’s woes are due to the majority of players being Toronto Maple Leaf fans who are quite used to loosing.  Oh, I’m so mean!  Poor Toronto.  In Canada, there is a saying.  “Spring is here and the Leafs are out.”  You might think I am full of spite, but Canada does not actually have a name for their team.  The closest name they have is. . .wait for it. . .wait some more. . .The Maple Leafs.  This is because of the Canadian flag.  So please, do some research on the Toronto Maple Leafs of the National Hockey League and you will understand why I am laughing.

 

But Australia is not laughing.  They absolutely must win their third stage game.  They do win a 3-5 win over Canada but sadly, Nigeria and Ireland walk up and down the field to a 1-1 draw.  Australia is out!  Victoria Premier Daniel Andrews, who cancelled the 2026 Commonwealth Games in Victoria after winning the bid, throwing the games into chaos, is suddenly a national treasure as Australians demand their Prime Minister resigns for not pulling out of the FIFA World Cup after securing the bid.  Parliament is dissolved and Hugh Jackman becomes a reluctant Prime Minister.  Everyone loves him.

 

Group C

Japan

Spain

Costa Rica

Zambia

 

This group goes to plan.  Nothing more need be said here.

 

Group D

England

Denmark

Haiti

China

 

This group is also unremarkable going to script.  Unfortunately immediately after England’s controversial 4-5 win during the third group stage over China, China claims the result is an imperialistic plot which forms a prelude for England to recapture Hong Kong.  China decides to invade Taiwan to restore national pride which has been smashed, and we are plunged into World War III.  Who says sports does not matter?

 

Group E

USA

Vietnam

Netherlands

Portugal

 

The Dutch and Portuguese party for days despite their poor showing because they are just glad to be away from the oppressive heat gripping Europe.  The USA is dominant winning all three group games.  Back in America, MAGA supporters riot because they were hoping the USA would bomb out of the tournament so they could blame one more thing on Joe Biden.  When this does not eventuate, frustration boils over.

 

Group F

Panama

Jamaica

France

Brazil

 

I don’t really know if this is an up-side down result, but I think it is.  I saw in the news Brazil had some hope here.  Well, not this time.

 

Group G

Sweden

Italy

Argentina

South Africa

 

Argentina was so hoping to emulate the men’s team who won the 2022 Men’s World Cup but to no avail.  This cup is thrown into disarray, though, when it is revealed the Lionel Messi disguised himself as a woman and wore one of those Mission Impossible masks to complete the disguise.  The world became suspicious when in the second group game when this occurred, this woman scored 17 goals in the first 15 minutes of the match against South Africa.  Close-up camera angles revealed a bulge where there shouldn’t be one, and the gig was up.  Argentina will be sanctioned, of course, but in this instance, the game started over and Argentina, without Messi, won 1-0.  It was not enough though as they bowed out.

Group H

Morocco

Germany

Columbia

South Korea

 

I basically have no idea here so I’ll leave it a that except to say that during a warmup friendly between Ireland and Columbia, the game had to be called off because Ireland felt Columbia was too physical.  During their opening match against South Korea, two players were sent off when one player lifted a South Korean over her head while another Columbia player executed a flying DDT on the poor woman, then produced a steel chair out of nowhere and proceeded to hit the prone woman.

 

The Stage of 16

There were some shocking results in this first knockout round.  Spain destroyed Switzerland 0-5 but the real shocker was when Italy wiped the USA out 4-1.  There was rejoicing in America among MAGA supporters because now they could blame Joe Biden.  They also blamed Hunter Biden for the loss and the House opened an official investigation.  The Football Ferns, in front of a much larger crowd, took out dark horse Japan 0-4 in a surprisingly easy victory.  Well, at least one host nation has shown up.  Sweden has a fairly comfortable win over Vietnam while Germany wins a thriller against Panama 3-4.  Morocco goes down to Jamaica 0-4.  Nigeria defeats Denmark 4-1.  I think that is surprising but I really don’t know.

 

But the match everyone wanted to see was England v. Ireland.  Things started off badly for England when Mary Eaps, the English goalkeeper stepped away from her goal thinking the ball was dead only to have Ireland slam through the opener.  It’s the second Ashes test all over again.  England cannot recover from this.  They are in disarray and Ireland records a shockingly easy 5-0 win.

 

The Quarterfinals

When Spain plays Italy neither team wants to lose because they would have to go back to the heat.  But it is hotter in Italy so the Italians win 1-5.  Sweden is a dark horse and when they score two goals against host nation New Zealand, it appears the not real plants will join Australia on the sidelines.  But the Football Ferns are made of sterner stuff and score four goals to advance to the semifinals 4-2.  Now New Zealand is truly behind their team at long last.  Nigeria wins a thriller over Germany 4-3 while Ireland lose 1-4 to Jamaica probably because all their players are still drunk due to wild partying after their victory over England.

 

It’s official.  All the big names are out.  This is what makes the Totally Random tournament so awesome.

The Semifinals

New Zealand is now 100% behind their team while all of Australia secretly hope the Football Ferns get smashed back into the stone age because we are extremely bitter and jealous here.  Australia has a large Italian population but their psychic powers are of no use as the incredible not a real plant New Zealand team wins easily 2-5.  Oh no, the unthinkable might happen.  Meanwhile Jamaica defeats Nigeria in a game very few people watch.

 

Third Place Game

Who cares.  I don’t.  Neither does anyone else.  Why does FIFA insist on having this farce?  For the record, Nigeria defeats the Italians 3-5.  They all go out for pizza and pasta afterward.

The Big One

Australia holds a national day of prayer asking for divine assistance in defeating New Zealand.  Unfortunately, Australia made the mistake of praying to old Jamaican gods.  The one true God waxes wroth and leads New Zealand to an amazing 3-0 win in front of a screaming packed stadium in Sydney.  To make matters worse for Australia, the tourism industry makes $0.00 because more New Zealanders live in Sydney then there are in New Zealand so they were all basically a train ride away.  The New South Wales Premier is forced to resign and disgraced former premier Gladys Berejiklian is swept back to power even though she was done big time for corruption.  The people of New South Wales reason that a corrupt premier would have ensured New Zealand’s defeat and in anger against a pure and ethical premier which led to a horrible result, they bring the corrupt premier back in because the Rugby World Cup is just around the corner, and Dam it, the Wallabies need to win this time!

So after all that, a host nation wins the 2023 FIFA Women’s World Cup.  Only, it’s not the host nation everyone thought might win.  OK New Zealand, you can stop celebrating now because you have the same chance of winning the real World Cup as the USA Eagles have of defeating the All Blacks in the Rugby World Cup, which as I said, is just around the corner.  But congratulations to the Football Ferns.  You did it!

 

The 2022-2023 Totally Random NBA Playoffs

 2022-2023 Totally Random NBA Playoffs

Hello America.  It’s that time again.  It’s time for the Totally Random NBA playoffs.  The rules are simple.  Results are determined solely by my random number generator which picks a random score within an NBA range.  No other factors are considered, and the tournament is run only once.

 

Round 1

Eastern Conference

We saw one of the most shocking results in recent memory when the Heat not only beat the Bucks in their best of seven series, but swept the Bucks 4-0.  Fans in Boston rejoiced because this meant the Celtics have home court throughout the playoffs if they keep winning.

The Celtics obliged by nearly sweeping the Hawks 4 games to 1thereby cruising into the second round.  There was no real drama here.

But a real drama happened between the Nets and 76ers.  Joel Embid is a favorite for MVP honors but that only applies to the regular season.  He will have to be content with that because the Nets, after trading KD and Irving, took out the 76ers in 5 games.  Amazing result.

The series between the Knicks and Cavaliers was the only cliff hanger in round one.  That one went seven games with the Cavaliers prevailing in Game 7 by a single point.  Wow.

Western Conference

There was much more intense drama in the west.  The Timberwolves were pesky with their size troubling the favored Nuggets but in the end, the Nuggets prevailed in 6 games.

With LeBron back, the Lakers are somewhat dangerous.  But although they took the young Grizzlies to seven games, the youngsters held their nerve in front of a screaming Memphis crowd and stumbled in the second round after seven grueling games.

As for the Warriors, could the defending champions advance against the exciting Kings, or would age finally catch up with them?  After dropping the first two games, it looked like they were done.  But the old veterans rallied winning four out of the next five games including a road win in Game 7 to break the hearts of Kings fans.  But then, Kings fans are used to being smashed so they’ll get over it quickly.

The Suns had high hopes but these were dashed by the surprising Clippers in six games.

Round 2

Eastern Conference

 

The Heat play well against the Celtics in the playoffs.  They shocked the defending Eastern Conference champs by winning two games in Boston to take a 2-0 lead.  But just before heads rolled in Bean Town, the Celtics returned the favor by winning two road games in Miami.  From then on, home court held, and the Celtics advanced after a dramatic game 7 win at home.  Phew.  That was frightening.

The Nets continued their Cinderella run through the East with a 4-3 series triumph over the Cavaliers.  Winning game 7 on the road is always a special accomplishment.  So, it will be the Nets and Celtics to decide the East.

Western Conference

The Nuggets had all they could handle with the surprising Clippers, but they survive in seven games blowing the clippers away by 25 points in game 7.

Meanwhile the old legs of the Warriors finally give out as the Memphis Grizzlies advance to the Western Conference finals in seven dramatic games.  The Warriors are worthy champions but they will not hoist the trophy this year.  It will be the Grizzlies and the Nuggets fighting for the West.

Conference Finals

The Nets are truly Cinderella, giving the Celtics all they can handle.  A magic season hangs in the balance for Boston as they are forced to endure another game 7.  But once again, home court prevails and the Celtics put out the flame of the Nets by a single point.  That was too close for comfort being the Celtics fan that I am.

The Nuggets had dreams of NBA glory and why shouldn’t they?  They have been good all year.  Unfortunately for them, the Grizzlies are on a roll.  Memphis won the first 3 games of the series which included two shock wins in Denver, and the Nuggets, despite winning the next two games, simply could not recover.  Grizzlies advance to meet the Celtics for NBA glory.

NBA Finals

The Boston Celtics survived two seven game series while the Grizzlies had two seven game series and a six game series.  Both teams are tired, but they are both young.  Each team landed punches with a couple of blowout games for both teams.  But in the end, it comes down to yet another game 7 at TD Bank arena.  The Grizzlies strive to win their first NBA championship while the Celtics search for banner 17.  In the end, the home crowd helps the Celtics cruise to an easy game 7 win over the Grizzlies to capture the 2022-2023 Totally Random NBA title.

Congratulations to my Celtics.  It doesn’t matter now if they win the real one since they won the far more important Totally Random NBA Playoffs for this year.  Just kidding.  I want both.

Let the real games begin!

The 2022 season NFL Totally Random Playoffs

 NFL 2022-2023 Totally Random Playoffs

Another regular season finishes, and the real fun begins when the NFL playoffs start this week.  But even more important are the Totally Random playoffs.  In the Totally Random universe, merit, home field, motivation, player talent, and coaching competence have nothing whatsoever to do with predictions.  In this universe, scores are completely random, and the tournament is run only once.  In this universe, even the Mike McCarthy led Cowboys have a chance to win it all.  Spoiler alert, that doesn’t happen here.  And now, the most coveted prize in all of sports.

Wild Card Weekend

For this week, I went by the officially released schedule.  The playoffs begin with the 49ers doing what everyone predicts in the real world, wiping out the Seahawks 45-19.  Next, the Jaguars pull away in the 4^th quarter with a 31-19 win over the Chargers.  Apparently, the Chargers poor performance against the Broncos with their starters playing was a portent.

The Bills smash the Dolphins 47-26.  The surprise here is the Dolphins manage to score 26 points even given garbage time.  A lot of people expect the Giants to beat the Vikings, but the Vikings hang on for an entertaining 36-30 win against the surprising NY Giants. 

The shocker of Wild Card Weekend is the Ravens scoring 27 points against the Bengals.  Even more shocking is the Bengals score 26.  Ravens stagger out of Cincinnati with a one point upset.  And finally, the game that will probably be the most watched game this weekend.  The Cowboys stagger into the playoffs while the Bucs are surging.  The Cowboys do not play well on natural grass this year.  This time, though, the Cowboys finally get a win over Tom Brady for the first time 31-29.  And just to add to the drama, I’ll say Brett Maher kicks a 57-yard field goal as time expires to win the game for the Cowboys.  Why not.  Maher has been money all year.  What will Tom Brady do?  One thing he won’t do is advance to the next round.

The Divisional Round

In the NFC we have the two and three sees playing each other while 1^st and 5^th square off.  The 49ers should cruise against an inconsistent Vikings team.  But in this game America remembers 49ers QB Brock Purdy is a backup rookie.  It is the Vikings who cruise 34-13.  Meanwhile the Cowboys and Eagles go for the third time.  Dak Prescott has a QB rating of 39 and despite a heroic Cowboys defensive effort, the Eagles prevail 12-6.  This game is a throwback to the 1970’s. 

In the AFC, the Chiefs rid America of a Ravens team that is difficult to watch at the best of times with a 35-23 win.  The Ravens offense is a basket case, but their defense has been good.  But every defense is vulnerable to Patrick Mahomes. 

In a shocking result, Trevor Lawrence comes of age with a 36-18 win over the Bills.  The poor Bills seem to get hammered from all sorts of directions, ranging from not being able to get to their games without ploughing through massive amounts of snow to the Damar Hamlin saga.  Alas, it’s all a bit much for them.  We will have Trevor Lawrence against Patrick Mahomes for the right to go to the Super Bowl.

Championship Round

The Vikings have been inconsistent throughout the year.  They are a 13-3 team which has given up more points than they have scored.  It all comes crashing down.  A fully healthy Eagles team destroys the Vikings 42-6.

In what can really only happen in the random universe, the Jaguars destroy the Chiefs in Kansas City (which is in Missouri just in case Trump is reading this, and not in Kansas) 39-5.  The only way that happens is if Mahomes is knocked out early.  So, it’s Jaguars, Eagles in the Super Bowl.

The Super Bowl

The Super Bowl is a reasonably entertaining game. Trevor Lawrence is in a groove and the amazing Jacksonville Jaguars, who are usually the laughingstock of the NFL, prevail over the Eagles 32-18.  Their two-touchdown win gives the Jaguars the Totally Random 2022 title.  Congratulations and perhaps this will cause them to stay in America instead of moving to London.

 

The Totally Random 2022 FIFA Men's World Cup

 FIFA Totally Random Men’s World Cup

The FIFA Men’s World Cup is the biggest sporting event on the planet.  It is bigger than the Olympics and the final will be watched by more than half the world’s population.  Even bigger, however, is the Totally Random Men’s World Cup.  In this tournament, home field, form, injuries, managers, and team chemistry have nothing to do with the results.  The tournament is run only once.  Here, then, is the most coveted random tournament on earth.

Group A

Final rankings:

Ecuador

Qatar

Netherlands

Senegal

 

This is a pretty shocking result.  It is the most up-side-down group.  I’m very disappointed the Dutch failed to advance, but everyone else rejoices.  For some reason I fail to understand, most of the world hate the Dutch.  Germany declares a National Day of Celebration.

 

Group B:

Final rankings:

England

USA

Wales

Iran

 

The Iranians would be bitterly disappointed.  They do have a 5-3 victory over the USA to console them, but given how well Iran played last World Cup, this result is disappointing.  I can honestly say Iran was one of my favorite teams to watch during the last tournament.  England win the group despite going down to the USA 3-5.  I guess the USA were so stunned, they failed to show up against Iran.  But when all is said and done, England and the USA are through.

 

Group C

Final rankings:

Saudi Arabia

Argentina

Mexico

Poland

 

Things started very poorly for Argentina going down 0-3 to Saudi Arabia.  But they scrape through thanks to a dramatic 4-5 win over a disappointing Poland.  Mexico never had any consistency.  Now they can sit back, relax, and watch the USA advance.  This makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

 

Group D

Final Rankings:

Denmark

Tunisia

Australia

France

 

Wow, what a disappointing World Cup for France.  They could only manage two points with a 0-0 and 1-1 draw to Australia and Tunisia respectively.  Denmark was solid as usual, and Australians realized why their team barely scraped through as they fail to advance.  Tunisia is happy to advance and are doing Africa proud so far.

 

Group E:

Final Rankings:

Germany

Spain

Costa Rica

Japan

 

I think this group more or less aligned with real world expectations.  Germany and Spain looked amazing at times, and pedestrian at other times.  Costa Rica were OK but as usual, fail to do anything in the World Cup.  It looks like the USA will be the flag bearers for mighty CONCACAF.  As for the Samurai, all they can hope for is that South Korea bombs out.  This is a bitter pill to swallow for them.

 

Group F

Final Rankings:

Croatia

Canada

Morocco

Belgium

 

I felt the window is closing on Belgium but in the Totally Random tournament, the window slammed shut and the glass was shattered.  As for the US bearing the CONCACAF flag, not so fast.  Canada topped CONCACAF qualifying and they do quite well in the Totally Random World Cup continuing their momentum.  Croatia advances as expected.  Belgium’s exit leaves this side of the bracket wide open.

Group G

Final Rankings:

Serbia

Cameroon

Switzerland

Brazil

 

OK, this is Totally Random.  Switzerland surely expected more and as for Brazil, if I were the players, I would defect because going back to Brazil after finishing last in the group is just not good for the health. Brazil prides itself on its goal scoring ability, but when you give up 10 goals in the group stage, which is what Brazil did here, well, forget advancing.  It turns out, however, that Brazilian players do not need to defect because newly reelected Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro claims Brazil actually won the World Cup and will host a parade for the “winning team” in Rio.  The world wonders whether Bolsonaro will wait until the actual World Cup finishes before he does this.

 

Group H

Final Rankings

South Korea

Ghana

Portugal

Uruguay

 

Ghana is one of those teams no one really pays attention to, but when you look up at the end of the group stage, they are often still around, and this is the case here.  The highly fancied Portuguese team is humiliated and like the Brazilian players, the Uruguayan players might want to consider defecting as well.  Perhaps the two teams could merge to form a super team.  But no, they despise each other too much for that.  I guess they will have to wait for the next World Cup.  And the Japanese are disappointed because South Korea advances.  Japan declares a National Day of Mourning and the population is encouraged to pray at their family shrines for deliverance from this national nightmare.

 

The Round of 16

Wow that was a lot of random games.  Now we get to the knock-out phase.

Ecuador 1-0 USA

Ecuador and the USA don’t like each other so this is a big win for the South Americans.  The goal is controversial, but it stands.  The young USA team really wasn’t expected to win the World Cup, but I had hoped they might win this Totally Random tournament.  It is not to be.

Saudi Arabia 5-0 Tunisia

Was this game fixed?  Don’t look now but Saudi Arabia look marvelous in this tournament.  They are a real juggernaut. 

Germany 0-1 Canada

It turns out Canada are the sole flagbearers for mighty CONCACAF.  This is truly a shocking result.  What happened to Germany here?  They pressed, and they pressed, but to no avail.  Canada gets a completely unexpected win.

Serbia 5-1 Ghana

Serbia has a really solid team.  They are not spectacular, but anytime you score five goals against anyone in the round of 16, you must be taken seriously.

England 4-0 Qatar

This game had a massive scandal attached to it.  Reports surfaced that Qatar offered to bail out the English economy if England let Qatar win.  No money changed hands because it turns out that British Prime Minister Liz Truss had no idea what a bail out was, and in any case, was never interested in actually fixing the economy.  Thus it was that England played to its potential and blew out the host nation.  Thank you, England.  Well done.  Although Qatar is temporarily disappointed, they take the long view.  They will eventually buy all EPL teams and call England’s national team their own one day.

Denmark 0-3 Argentina

It looks like Argentina has figured out their team balance and will be a force to be reckoned with.  Argentina no longer depends on Lionel Messi for everything.

Croatia 1-3 Spain

Spain looks like their dazzling, attacking selves defeating a stout but ultimately disappointing Croatian side.

South Korea 1-3 Cameroon

Africa is still well represented as Cameroon surprises South Korea.  Japan declares a National Day of Celebration as the Africans advance.

The Quarterfinals

Ecuador 0-3 Saudi Arabia

The Saudis are the best team in the tournament thus far.  Let’s face it, both teams overachieved but, in this case, Saudi Arabia keep on achieving.

Canada 2-4 Serbia

At last, the noble Canadians go down.  O Canada, you tried.  It is looking more and more like this solid but unspectacular Serbian side might go all the way.  Serbia’s four goals had more to do with Canada being in way over their head than with spectacular play.  Having said this, Serbia has been a scoring machine thus far.

England 1-3 Argentina

OK, NATO went on high alert before this game.  This is the game England really wanted to win.  But sadly no.  There is rioting in the streets all over England after this result.  Argentina, on the other hand, hosted the mother of all parties.  What is it about these two countries.  This time, there was no hand of God.  However, with the score tied 1-1 in the second half, Argentina scored on an unbelievable deflection that completely surprised English goalkeeper Jordan Pickford.  The goal was put down to one of those freak things that happen sometimes except for the fact replays baffled experts.  How could that ball have deflected in like that since it did not seem to come off of anyone.  A day after the game, a team of video experts in Switzerland discovered a mysterious shadowy hand seen in a Skycam shot from above that changed the direction of the ball.  “It was almost imperceptible” said Dr. Ludwig Schwartz, a well-respected professor at École Polytechnique Federale of Lausanne.  Dr. Schwartz continues to insist the shadowy hand is not the result of a deep fake.  This only increased the rioting in England.  This is now known as The Hand of Maradona. 

Spain 4-1 Cameroon

The courageous Africans were bound to go down eventually, and they went down in the quarterfinals just as that magical Roger Miller led team did in the 1990 World Cup.  Spain is cruising.

The Semifinals

Tensions are high now.  We are close to the finish line.  The betting public have their money on Saudi Arabia because they believe the fix is in.  After all, the fix was in for Qatar to host this tournament in the first place.

Saudi Arabia 1-5 Serbia

The fix was in but not as people thought.  A lot of people lost a lot of money on this game and now Serbia is one game away from paydirt.  People suddenly realize this team is solid and spectacular.  Serbia has scored 14 goals so far in the knockout stages alone.  At this to the 13 goals they scored during the group stages, and we are looking at the highest scoring World Cup team in world history.  This team was under the radar for too long but after this game, the world sees Serbia as a dominant force in world football.   It is worth pointing out that a few people won a lot of money on this game.  Hmm.

Argentina 2-4 Spain

In a game for the ages, this is the match everyone hoped would happen.  It was 2-2 with 15 minutes to go when Spain went ahead on a controversial penalty that reduced Argentina to 10 men.  In the 90^th minute, the entire Argentinian team were red carded awarding Spain another goal.

The Who Cares 3^rd Place Game

Saudi Arabia 2-3 Argentina

FIFA really needs to ditch this game.  I had to beg my random number generator to work for this game.  Even a mindless random number generator doesn’t care who wins this one.

The Final

By now, most of the four billion people watching this game are going for Serbia.  No one gave them a chance.  They have been defensive gold all tournament long, and they will need to produce one more time to stop the rampaging Spanish.  Serbia’s defense gives up 3 goals.  However, Serbia has been scoring in this tournament as well, and they also score 3 goals.  The World Cup final goes to extra time.  In the second half of extra time, Serbia scores a spectacular goal reminiscent of Super Mario’s goal that gave Germany a dramatic 1-0 victory over Argentina in the 2014 World Cup.  Serbia hangs on to win against a desperate Argentina.

Congratulations Serbia!  You are the 2022 FIFA Totally Random World Champions.  In the totally random world, anything is possible!