FIFA Totally Random Men’s World Cup
The FIFA Men’s World Cup is the biggest sporting event on
the planet. It is bigger than the Olympics
and the final will be watched by more than half the world’s population. Even bigger, however, is the Totally Random
Men’s World Cup. In this tournament,
home field, form, injuries, managers, and team chemistry have nothing to do
with the results. The tournament is run
only once. Here, then, is the most
coveted random tournament on earth.
Group A
Final rankings:
Ecuador
Qatar
Netherlands
Senegal
This is a pretty shocking result. It is the most up-side-down group. I’m very disappointed the Dutch failed to
advance, but everyone else rejoices. For
some reason I fail to understand, most of the world hate the Dutch. Germany declares a National Day of
Celebration.
Group B:
Final rankings:
England
USA
Wales
Iran
The Iranians would be bitterly disappointed. They do have a 5-3 victory over the USA to
console them, but given how well Iran played last World Cup, this result is
disappointing. I can honestly say Iran
was one of my favorite teams to watch during the last tournament. England win the group despite going down to
the USA 3-5. I guess the USA were so
stunned, they failed to show up against Iran.
But when all is said and done, England and the USA are through.
Group C
Final rankings:
Saudi Arabia
Argentina
Mexico
Poland
Things started very poorly for Argentina going down 0-3
to Saudi Arabia. But they scrape through
thanks to a dramatic 4-5 win over a disappointing Poland. Mexico never had any consistency. Now they can sit back, relax, and watch the
USA advance. This makes me feel warm and
fuzzy inside.
Group D
Final Rankings:
Denmark
Tunisia
Australia
France
Wow, what a disappointing World Cup for France. They could only manage two points with a 0-0
and 1-1 draw to Australia and Tunisia respectively. Denmark was solid as usual, and Australians
realized why their team barely scraped through as they fail to advance. Tunisia is happy to advance and are doing
Africa proud so far.
Group E:
Final Rankings:
Germany
Spain
Costa Rica
Japan
I think this group more or less aligned with real world
expectations. Germany and Spain looked
amazing at times, and pedestrian at other times. Costa Rica were OK but as usual, fail to do
anything in the World Cup. It looks like
the USA will be the flag bearers for mighty CONCACAF. As for the Samurai, all they can hope for is
that South Korea bombs out. This is a
bitter pill to swallow for them.
Group F
Final Rankings:
Croatia
Canada
Morocco
Belgium
I felt the window is closing on Belgium but in the
Totally Random tournament, the window slammed shut and the glass was
shattered. As for the US bearing the
CONCACAF flag, not so fast. Canada
topped CONCACAF qualifying and they do quite well in the Totally Random World
Cup continuing their momentum. Croatia advances
as expected. Belgium’s exit leaves this
side of the bracket wide open.
Group G
Final Rankings:
Serbia
Cameroon
Switzerland
Brazil
OK, this is Totally Random. Switzerland surely expected more and as for
Brazil, if I were the players, I would defect because going back to Brazil
after finishing last in the group is just not good for the health. Brazil
prides itself on its goal scoring ability, but when you give up 10 goals in the
group stage, which is what Brazil did here, well, forget advancing. It turns out, however, that Brazilian players
do not need to defect because newly reelected Brazilian president Jair
Bolsonaro claims Brazil actually won the World Cup and will host a parade for
the “winning team” in Rio. The world
wonders whether Bolsonaro will wait until the actual World Cup finishes before
he does this.
Group H
Final Rankings
South Korea
Ghana
Portugal
Uruguay
Ghana is one of those teams no one really pays attention
to, but when you look up at the end of the group stage, they are often still
around, and this is the case here. The
highly fancied Portuguese team is humiliated and like the Brazilian players,
the Uruguayan players might want to consider defecting as well. Perhaps the two teams could merge to form a
super team. But no, they despise each
other too much for that. I guess they
will have to wait for the next World Cup.
And the Japanese are disappointed because South Korea advances. Japan declares a National Day of Mourning and
the population is encouraged to pray at their family shrines for deliverance
from this national nightmare.
The Round of 16
Wow that was a lot of random games. Now we get to the knock-out phase.
Ecuador 1-0 USA
Ecuador and the USA don’t like each other so this is a big
win for the South Americans. The goal is
controversial, but it stands. The young
USA team really wasn’t expected to win the World Cup, but I had hoped they
might win this Totally Random tournament.
It is not to be.
Saudi Arabia 5-0 Tunisia
Was this game fixed?
Don’t look now but Saudi Arabia look marvelous in this tournament. They are a real juggernaut.
Germany 0-1 Canada
It turns out Canada are the sole flagbearers for mighty
CONCACAF. This is truly a shocking
result. What happened to Germany
here? They pressed, and they pressed,
but to no avail. Canada gets a
completely unexpected win.
Serbia 5-1 Ghana
Serbia has a really solid team. They are not spectacular, but anytime you
score five goals against anyone in the round of 16, you must be taken
seriously.
England 4-0 Qatar
This game had a massive scandal attached to it. Reports surfaced that Qatar offered to bail
out the English economy if England let Qatar win. No money changed hands because it turns out
that British Prime Minister Liz Truss had no idea what a bail out was, and in
any case, was never interested in actually fixing the economy. Thus it was that England played to its
potential and blew out the host nation.
Thank you, England. Well done. Although Qatar is temporarily disappointed,
they take the long view. They will
eventually buy all EPL teams and call England’s national team their own one
day.
Denmark 0-3 Argentina
It looks like Argentina has figured out their team balance
and will be a force to be reckoned with.
Argentina no longer depends on Lionel Messi for everything.
Croatia 1-3 Spain
Spain looks like their dazzling, attacking selves defeating
a stout but ultimately disappointing Croatian side.
South Korea 1-3 Cameroon
Africa is still well represented as Cameroon surprises South
Korea. Japan declares a National Day of
Celebration as the Africans advance.
The Quarterfinals
Ecuador 0-3 Saudi Arabia
The Saudis are the best team in the tournament thus
far. Let’s face it, both teams
overachieved but, in this case, Saudi Arabia keep on achieving.
Canada 2-4 Serbia
At last, the noble Canadians go down. O Canada, you tried. It is looking more and more like this solid
but unspectacular Serbian side might go all the way. Serbia’s four goals had more to do with
Canada being in way over their head than with spectacular play. Having said this, Serbia has been a scoring
machine thus far.
England 1-3 Argentina
OK, NATO went on high alert before this game. This is the game England really wanted to
win. But sadly no. There is rioting in the streets all over
England after this result. Argentina, on
the other hand, hosted the mother of all parties. What is it about these two countries. This time, there was no hand of God. However, with the score tied 1-1 in the
second half, Argentina scored on an unbelievable deflection that completely
surprised English goalkeeper Jordan Pickford.
The goal was put down to one of those freak things that happen sometimes
except for the fact replays baffled experts.
How could that ball have deflected in like that since it did not seem to
come off of anyone. A day after the
game, a team of video experts in Switzerland discovered a mysterious shadowy hand
seen in a Skycam shot from above that changed the direction of the ball. “It was almost imperceptible” said Dr. Ludwig
Schwartz, a well-respected professor at École
Polytechnique Federale of Lausanne. Dr.
Schwartz continues to insist the shadowy hand is not the result of a deep
fake. This only increased the rioting in
England. This is now known as The Hand
of Maradona.
Spain 4-1 Cameroon
The courageous Africans were bound to go down eventually,
and they went down in the quarterfinals just as that magical Roger Miller led team
did in the 1990 World Cup. Spain is
cruising.
The Semifinals
Tensions are high now.
We are close to the finish line.
The betting public have their money on Saudi Arabia because they believe
the fix is in. After all, the fix was in
for Qatar to host this tournament in the first place.
Saudi Arabia 1-5 Serbia
The fix was in but not as people thought. A lot of people lost a lot of money on this
game and now Serbia is one game away from paydirt. People suddenly realize this team is solid
and spectacular. Serbia has scored 14
goals so far in the knockout stages alone.
At this to the 13 goals they scored during the group stages, and we are
looking at the highest scoring World Cup team in world history. This team was under the radar for too long
but after this game, the world sees Serbia as a dominant force in world
football. It is worth pointing out that
a few people won a lot of money on this game.
Hmm.
Argentina 2-4 Spain
In a game for the ages, this is the match everyone hoped
would happen. It was 2-2 with 15 minutes
to go when Spain went ahead on a controversial penalty that reduced Argentina
to 10 men. In the 90th
minute, the entire Argentinian team were red carded awarding Spain another
goal.
The Who Cares 3rd Place Game
Saudi Arabia 2-3 Argentina
FIFA really needs to ditch this game. I had to beg my random number generator to
work for this game. Even a mindless
random number generator doesn’t care who wins this one.
The Final
By now, most of the four billion people watching this game
are going for Serbia. No one gave them a
chance. They have been defensive gold
all tournament long, and they will need to produce one more time to stop the
rampaging Spanish. Serbia’s defense
gives up 3 goals. However, Serbia has
been scoring in this tournament as well, and they also score 3 goals. The World Cup final goes to extra time. In the second half of extra time, Serbia
scores a spectacular goal reminiscent of Super Mario’s goal that gave Germany a
dramatic 1-0 victory over Argentina in the 2014 World Cup. Serbia hangs on to win against a desperate
Argentina.
Congratulations Serbia!
You are the 2022 FIFA Totally Random World Champions. In the totally random world, anything is
possible!
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