Some Super Bowl 50 Thoughts

Payton Manning is one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game.  He will be a first ballot hall of famer.  But his post-game interview exemplifies why I’m not a huge fan of Payton.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike the guy.  It’s not like he’s Greg Hardy or anything like that.  It’s just a preference thing.  In the interview Manning couldn’t help getting in a couple of corporate references.  I’m all for players making as much money from endorsements as they can.  Were I a famous player, I would cash in as well.  But when you win a Super Bowl I think the corporate sponsors will forgive you for being joyous and celebrating the accomplishments of your team and teammates.  Manning always says the right things.  Win or lose, the guy is all class.  But you always get the vibe that things are scripted with him and that he makes a conscious effort to only let out what he wants.  This makes him like everyone else.  So what’s the problem with Manning?  While I understand that every famous person is conscious of their image, Manning comes across as plastic.  He’s likeable, but plastic.

This is why I think most of America enjoyed Richard Sherman’s rant after winning the NFC championship game a couple of years ago.  That was genuine.  He didn’t like Michael Crabtree and he let everyone know.  That’s what I like to see, a genuine non-scripted reaction after a big game.  I don’t want to see someone getting in as many corporate references as possible.  There is plenty of time for that later.  But after a big game, I want to see a genuine human being out there.

This is why I prefer Brady over Manning.  Of course I prefer Romo over both, but that’s another story.  Brady does endorsements too.  But when you watch Brady in any football game, you know his chief concern is football, pure football.  Of course Payton cares too.  Everyone says he is obsessive.  But he comes across as caring about a lot of other things too.  You wouldn’t see Brady putting in watch references after winning a Super Bowl.  He probably doesn’t even remember who he endorses after a big win.  He’s there for football and that’s it.

As for the game itself, it wasn’t the best Super Bowl.  After possibly the greatest of them all last year between the Patriots and Seahawks, it was doubtful the next one would equal that.  But since I like defence, Denver’s defence was a pleasure to watch.  And I am glad to see DeMarcus Ware, a long time elite Cowboys player, finally get his just reward.  Analysis of the game is pretty simple.  Carolina blew it.  But then, I’ve been saying that about everyone who has lost to Denver.  Every time I watch them I think they shouldn’t even be in the game.  And then they win.  And in the end, that’s all that matters.

One of the great prop bets of all time came to fruition as well.  The bet was that Mike Carey would be wrong on a challenge.  He was.  Had I been able to get that bet in Australia I would have put money down on it.  But sadly, I wasn’t.  Only this time, Mike Carey was actually right.  I’m not sure what those replay officials saw.  Maybe they had money on that prop bet so made Carey wrong, even though he wasn’t.  And of course, that blown call, then blown replay review, led to Denver’s first touchdown.  And this exemplifies Denver.  They had all the luck this year.  Every close call and close bounce of the ball went their way this year.  Had the Cotchrey catch been allowed, as it should have been, Denver probably doesn’t score a touchdown and the game is vastly different.  So congratulations to Denver.  They had great skill on defence, and great luck too.  Despite one of the worst offenses I have ever seen, they are the champions.

Another thing that struck me about the game is a report that 1 billion chicken wings were consumed on this day alone.  And that’s only in America.  My goodness, the amount of slaughtered chickens defies comprehension.  So 500 million chickens were killed just for this one day.  How many chickens in captivity are there?  When you consider there is no shortage of chicken in the United States, even after 500 million have been killed for one day, there must be. . .I don’t know how many.  I’m not saying this is reprehensible.  These chickens are food after all.  But 500 million in one day?  I can hardly conceive of the number.  This sort of thing does make me wonder whether we simply eat too much meat.  Most of us don’t see the chickens being slaughtered.  To us it’s just something that appears on the plate.  But wow!  That is a lot of dead chickens.

So another Super Bowl has come and gone and the count is now 20 years for the Cowboys.  But at least my team has climbed the top of the mountain five times.  There are still teams who have never experienced the glory, including the Panthers who, despite a 15-1 regular season and two comfortable playoff victories, do not raise the trophy this year.  I’m glad I’m not a Panthers fan today because losing that game really sucks for those fans.

Despite this, Panthers fans, along with fans of the other 31 teams will be right back into it heart and soul hoping that 2016 will be the year.  And for one fan base, it will be.

Totally Random NFL Playoffs and Super Bowl

As we get closer to the Panthers Broncos Super Bowl, all of America wants to know what happened to the Totally Random Football Playoffs.  Well, I didn’t have the time to post anything until now, but the playoffs were played in this alternate universe and here are the results.  I should say at the outset that in this alternate universe, neither the Panthers nor the Broncos made it to the Super Bowl.  I should also say part of the reason for not posting this until now is my complete disgust at the Cowboys 4-12 season.

Wild Card Weekend

For Wild Card Weekend, 3 out of the 4 teams paralleled our universe.  The only difference was the Houston Texans who actually had a pulse, and a quarterback actually capable of throwing the ball to someone other than a Chief.  Too bad that didn’t happen in our universe.  The Texans downed the Chiefs 28-27 in a thriller.  Otherwise, everything else pretty much ran to course.  The Steelers and Bengals played a defensive game for the ages with the Steelers winning 10-3.  Or was it an unwatchable game for the ages? 

Divisional Round

In the Divisional Round, the Broncos bowed out going down to the Steelers 22-11.  I must say this is what I actually thought would happen in our universe.  I figured the Broncos might score 11 points or so while Big Ben would drive for enough points to get the Steelers to the Conference Championship game.  But Denver managed to pull it out.

And speaking of Denver, how lucky can you get.  In the real world, they played two teams absolutely ravaged by injuries and both down to their 27^th string running back.  And everyone says “you can’t run against the Broncos.”  Heck, the Steelers and Patriots might as well have had me in the backfield.  Had the Cowboys been there instead of the Broncos, both the Steelers and Patriots would have been completely healthy, and there would have been a miracle stem cell breakthrough the week before the game which would enable all injured players on the opposition to be like the season was just starting.  Yes, I’m bitter about the Cowboys.  Seriously, though, Denver is a lucky team and I think we’ll find out that Carolina will run just fine against the Broncos.

But back to the random universe.  The Texans reverted to what we would expect as they got wasted by the Patriots 26-6.  Meanwhile the Seahawks made the Panthers one and done beating them 37-23 while the Cardinals took out the Packers.

Conference Championship

In a snow storm, the Patriots advanced to the Super Bowl with an 18-5 win.  Hey, the random universe got the Patriot’s score exactly the same as in the real universe.  The random Steelers couldn’t take it anymore and bowed out.  Meanwhile in the NFC championship game, the Seahawks beat the Cardinals 8-5.  If this had been a real score, I wonder what might account for that silly score.  After all, Arizona is not known for snow storms.  But in the random universe, games like this happen quite often.

The Random Super Bowl

In the Random Super Bowl 50, and thank goodness it’s not Super Bowl L, we have a rematch between the Patriots and Seahawks.  And can I just say something about Roman numerals?  Why are we still using them?  They are useless.  The only reason for having them around is so people can look smart.  I mean, when you really think of it, who cares if you can figure out that MCXLIX is. . .uh. . .uh. . .whatever that works out to be.  If you can calculate MCXLIX squared using just Roman numerals, that is kind of impressive, but that is offset by the stupidity of even trying.  We have advanced mathematically since then so let’s use numbers which are just plain better than what the Romans had.  That the Romans could build what they did without our mathematics is remarkable though and they should get credit for that.  But I think if Roman engineers had been introduced to our number system, and the concept of zero for that matter, they would have dropped Roman numerals faster than one of their ballista stones, which were pretty darn fast.

In this rematch, the Patriots did not need to rely on the dumbest call in Super Bowl history and a heroic last second interception.  In this version, the Patriots handled the Seahawks easily beating them 39-17.  And so the Totally Random 2015-2016 NFL champion is the Patriots.

And most of America is now breathing a sigh of relief that the Patriots won again in the random universe, and not in the real world.  Still, I think many people would have thought a rematch is what we could see.

My Real Super Bowl Prediction

In the real world, I think the Panthers are a vastly superior team this year and I believe they will slaughter the Broncos.  Of course, Denver has a knack of winning close games, but then, they have been very lucky.  I think their luck runs out and it will be Broncos Seahawks all over again.

Whoever wins, enjoy your time at the top because the Cowboys will gun sling their way back to glory next year!  Oh my goodness, a pig just flew past my window and I’m on the 5^th floor.  Honest, that pig just whizzed by.

Note:

MCXLIX = 1,149. 

Thanks but no thanks Abby Wambach

Abby Wambach has been a great soccer player for the United States women’s team.  As such, she deserves for her opinions to be given some attention.  Her call for Jurgen Klinsmann to be fired because he is not paying enough attention to the US domestic players is ridiculous in the extreme.

First of all let’s put international women’s soccer into perspective.  It’s a Mickey Mouse competition in comparison to the men’s game.  There are, at best, three teams with any type of realistic hope of winning a world cup or the Olympics.  In fact, were it not for the need for other countries to grow the women’s game, they could just start with the final four and be done with it.  Don’t get me wrong.  I would like to see this change.  Anyone who follows women’s college hoops knows what I mean.  The competition there is Mickey Mouse.  And because of this, you have to put records and victories into their proper context.  Abby Wambach has achieved a lot.  And that’s great.  But in a competition so limited, this is really not much at all except that she has done a good deal to grow the game from virtually nothing.  The truth is, international women’s soccer is like swimming.  No one cares until it’s the Olympics or World Cup.  Maybe that will change tomorrow, but that is the way it is today.

The men’s game, in contrast, is far different.  There are scores of real teams out there and it’s a tough world in the jungle.  You would be hard pressed to find someone with Wambach’s accomplishments in the men’s game but then, those men are up against real players all the time, not just occasionally. 

Given this contrast, let’s look at Wambach’s comments.  She doesn’t like all the “foreign players” Jurgen brings into the team.  Foreign?  Earth to Abby.  Those are American citizens out there on the pitch.  As an American who lives overseas I find such comments distasteful.  I’m just as American as you are and I’ve been one for a lot longer than you have.  Those guys who play in Germany and other countries have just as much of a right to play for the US national team as any other American.  They are not “foreign.”  I guarantee you Abby if there was a German team out there who offered you 20 times what you could make in the  US, you’d be there like a shot.  And you would go for two reasons.  Those guys who play overseas play against better players, and are part of established mature no nonsense competitions.  If a middle-of-the-road Bundesliga team like Stuttgart whom I follow toured the USA and played all the MLS teams, we would soon see just how superior “foreign” players are to ours.  Again, don’t get me wrong.  I want this to change.  I want US players to get better.

The pressures on the men’s national team, and therefore its coach, are far greater than for the women.  The men are fortunate if they get out of their group.  With the women, it’s pretty much a given they’ll make the final four.  Jurgen needs to win now because he knows that winning games in a World Cup does more to grow the game in the US than just about anything else.  He must also pay attention to domestic based players while others must ensure MLS is not swamped by real foreign players, which I define as those who are not US citizens.  You know, the real definition of foreign. 

Making sure the domestic market has players who are improving is the job of grass roots soccer.  Jurgen’s biggest contribution to this effort is World Cup victories.  And to get those victories, Jurgen needs the best players on the pitch.  He has to weigh up whether to have an all-star team or perhaps take less talented players who play better as a team, but in general, he needs to win World Cup games. 

High schools and colleges and MLS itself can feed off of the national team to grow the game.  And the game is growing.  More parents are encouraging their sons to play soccer.  Soccer is watched by more and more people.  The standard is getting better.  But at the end of the day, when that ball is put into play in the World Cup, I want to “just win baby” as Al Davis famously used to say.  When it’s World Cup time, all that grass roots stuff takes second stage.  It’s time for the big boys to play and win because they’re playing the very best that 31 other countries have to offer and anyone of those teams could surprise anyone on any given day.

Jurgen Klinsmann was a real player on a real team that won the World Cup in 1990.  He knows what it takes to win a real competition.  You don’t Abby because you’ve never played in one.  And you don’t know what it’s like to play in front of 3 billion people.  Jurgen does.

The USA has a long way to go before it becomes a consistent soccer powerhouse.  But it’s getting there.  We have come a long way since the dark days when World Cup qualification was a distant dream because beating teams like Trinidad required divine intervention, and even then that might not be good enough.

So Abby, let the big boys work out what the big boys need to do in order to do well in a big boy world.  I truly hope women’s soccer will catch up.  It will never equal the men’s competition but it can get much better, and that will be better for everyone.

Some who follow the World Game might argue that England suffers from a lack of solid domestic players.  The premier League, some say, emphasizes foreign players so much, that when it is time for the English national team to play in a World Cup, they underachieve and disappoint.  There are two things worth noting.  England’s failures at World Cup level bolster my argument that the men’s game boasts big boys playing in competitions that are anything but Mickey Mouse.  It’s hard to win World Cups, even for nations where soccer is a religion.  The difference between the USA and England is that England does not need to worry about making the game more popular.  It already is.  The Premier League is perhaps the top domestic competition on earth in terms of prestige and quality.  If it’s not on top, it is right up there.  Perhaps England’s problem is not enough of them play overseas in the Spanish or Italian leagues.  But in terms of the international game, theirs is a selection problem.  For the United States, there is a quality problem.

In England, if the national team fails, the English will be upset.  They might even run the national coach out of town.  But when the sun rises the day after elimination, they will still love the game and premier and other division games will sell out.  For the US, if the national team fails, that will deal a severe blow to the game in general.  It is perhaps ironic that Abby Wambach, probably the greatest US player ever, who has played in many countries, doesn’t seem to understand the real world, and the US men’s national team’s place in that real world.

Questions about the NFL Answered

Living outside the USA as I do, a number of people have asked me questions about the NFL which baffle them.  As a public service, I offer the following answers.

Q.

Why are there so many breaks during each game leading to sooooo many commercials?

A.

So we can get more beer from the refrigerator without missing any action.  Or, if we happen to be watching the game at a bar, we can get more beers from the counter without missing any action.

Q.

Why are there two different teams, one on offense and one on defence?

A.

Actually there are three teams.  The third is comprised of suicidal maniacs who fear no danger and so are ideal for covering kickoffs and punts.  It takes a special person to want to do this so these are called Special Teams.  Meanwhile offensive players are highly motivated people who are goal oriented and who are willing to put themselves in the direct path of danger in order to help their teammates achieve success.  Meanwhile defensive players are psychopaths who enjoy smashing people to pieces and who cannot stand for anyone to achieve any goals of any kind.  How many people do you know who have both sets of traits?  I didn’t think so.  For the record, I always dreamed of being a linebacker.  A linebacker is a defensive player.

Q.

It seems all your special and memorable plays have religious names.  I’ve heard of the Immaculate Reception, the Hail Mary, the Holy Roller and the Music City Miracle, not to mention the Miracle in the Meadowlands.  What’s with that?

A.

NFL games are our main religion.  Actually, for many Americans, NFL games are an extension of church.  If you live on the East Coast, where NFL games start in the afternoon, you go to church in the morning, then watch NFL games in the afternoon.  If you live on the West Coast, you watch NFL games starting at 10:00 then go to church in the early evening.  You finish your Sunday by watching the Sunday Night game which you DVRed while you were at church.  It’s all just one religious ceremony.  If you are a Patriots fan, you give Thanksgiving to God every week you have Brady and Belichick on your side.  If you are a Cleveland Browns fan, you pray for a miracle, just one.  You are willing to sacrifice just about anything to achieve this.  If you are a Colts fan you ask God what you did wrong.  If you are a Cowboys fan, you know you follow God’s team, and you contemplate the mysterious ways of God in allowing the Cowboys to be pretty much irrelevant for the last 20 years and you begin to explore the nature of karma.  Everyone else is somewhere in between these extremes.  So not only do NFL games provide entertainment, they provide a meaningful spiritual experience to millions of Americans.

Q.

I’ve heard Bill Belichick is the devil incarnate.  Is that true?

A.

It’s all a matter of perspective.  If you are a Colts fan a Ravens fan, or a fan of an AFC East team, the answer is yes.  If you follow any other team, you think he probably isn’t, but you are not 100% sure.

Of course, back in the 90’s, Jimmy Johnson of the Cowboys was the devil incarnate to many.  But then he coached Miami and everyone then realized he was but a mortal man. 

Q.

Why do so many quarterbacks scream out Kill Kill Kill! All the time?  Is this what American children should be exposed to?

A.

Absolutely.  If I were a young boy I would want my quarterback to yell that out.  It shows he is manly, and unafraid.  It also shows he has figured out what the defence is up to and is doing something about it.  We Americans get worried if our quarterbacks don’t yell out stuff like that.

Q.

What is a blitz?

A.

A blitz is different things for different people.  For many, it is when a defence sends extra people after the quarterback hoping to sack him or apply enough pressure on him to thwart his passes.  For Rob Ryan, the defensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints, it is a defensive tactic which provides the opposing team a golden opportunity to score a touchdown. 

Q.

What is the Prevent Defence?

A.

The Prevent Defence is one of the great mysteries which Americans have not solved.  I believe a congressional investigation is being lodged to look into it.  The Prevent defence prevents your team from holding a lead at the end of the game and thereby prevents you from actually winning the game.  Why it continues to be used is the big mystery.  It’s right up there with who really killed JFK and why in God’s name do people actually care what happens to the Kardashians.

Q.

Which team logo do Americans consider the coolest?

A.

I believe it is the skull and crossbones of the Raiders.  This says a great deal for the American people doesn’t it?

Q.

Why do you Americans revel in such a violent game?

A.

We are a violent nation.  We came into existence by fighting a revolutionary war.  We then fought a rematch with England in 1812, fought numerous wars against Native Americans, and then decided we wanted to fight Mexico too.  In fact, when we were bored, we fought ourselves, and then went back to more wars against Native Americans.  We were in both world wars, Korea, Vietnam and well, you get the picture.  Looks like we’re going to stay in Afghanistan too.  The NFL suits our nature.

Q.

Why do you sing the National Anthem before every single game?

A.

Because we Americans know our professional football teams are the best in the world at this game and we’re proud that the top 32 professional football teams in the world are all from the United States.  How many other countries do you know who can say the top 32 teams in the world, in any sporting code belong to their country?

The Completely Random Rugby World Cup

The Rugby World Cup has reached the business end.  All of the pool games have been played and all of the minnows have been weeded out.  Now it’s time for the knock-out phase so let the Completely Random Rugby World Cup Knockout Tournament begin.  The scores are based purely on random number generation.  The actual quality of the teams and the form they are in plays no part.  The biggest shock is that England did not qualify for the quarterfinals even though they are the host nation.  No doubt there is much weeping and gnashing of teeth happening as a result. 

Before I begin, for those of you not familiar with rugby there are two types.  One is Rugby Union, which is by far the more international of the two codes and is the variety played for the World Cup, well, the world cup that really matters anyway.  The other variety is called Rugby League.  The two codes have some similarities but actually, they are quite different.  The difference was once explained to me this way.  Rugby Union is a barbarian’s game played by gentlemen while Rugby league is a barbarian’s game played by barbarians.  As for more detailed differences, you can look them up.  For my American readers, though, American football inherited the concept of downs from Rugby League, but otherwise, it is closer to Rugby Union.

The Quarterfinals

South Africa suffered perhaps the most shocking loss I have ever seen in sports for their opening pool match.  I’m not sure it is the most shocking, but it is up there in my book.  Lowly Japan stunned South Africa.  This would be like a roster comprised of NFL players put on waivers defeating the Patriots during a must win game for the Patriots.  It was almost inconceivable.  In fact, I didn’t even bother to record this game because I was sure this would be a blowout.  But South Africa recovered to top their pool and qualify.  They play Wales and South Africa’s recovery continues with a solid 20-10 victory over the Welsh.  Wales is possibly the best Northern Hemisphere team at the moment, but they cannot compete against the super powers from below the Equator.

Now we get to New Zealand v France.  New Zealand hates to play France.  Yes, New Zealand won the last World Cup by defeating France, but it was a one point game in which they just hung on.  France has a way of stunning New Zealand and this time is no exception with a shocking 22-5 win over the favourites.  Bye-bye New Zealand!

Ireland holds off Argentina 28-20 while Scotland plays the game of its life and takes out the green and gold of Australia.  As a result, the Australian Prime Minister forbids the series Outlander from ever being broadcast in Australia as retaliation for this shocker.  So after one round, 2/3 of the Southern Hemisphere stops caring about the Rugby World Cup while Scotland and Ireland mercilessly taunts England.

The Semi-finals

After losing to Japan in their opening pool match, South Africa is on a roll.  But the frogs take out the lone surviving Southern Hemisphere team 37-29.  The French make yet another World Cup final.  Meanwhile, Scotland and Ireland fight it out to see who will join France.  The United Kingdom nearly stops being united.  But in the end, the luck of the Irish, plus some skill, holds firm as Ireland defeats Scotland by the exact same score of 39-27.  Ah, random numbers are great aren’t they?

Shortly after the semi-finals, New Zealand declares war on France because there is only so much suffering they can endure at the hands of the French.  Anyone who follows Rugby Union can understand this given the history between the two teams.  It’s New Zealand’s wine and cheese which attack’s France and now the world must decide.  And you know, that decision is not as easy as one might think.  In the end, though, the French won the game and the UN breaks up the war before New Zealand’s virtually nonexistent war fleet can reach the Atlantic. 

The Big One

So now it is France V Ireland for the glory.  Last time around, France was supposed to be blown away by New Zealand in the final.  New Zealand were playing at home as the host nation.  France fought bravely and went down kicking and screaming by a point.  The French have been waiting for four years to have another chance.  This time Les Bleus takes out Irish green 44-23.  Congratulations France, you are the winners of the 2015 Completely Random Rugby World Cup.

My real world prediction is Australia.  They have played very good rugby thus far and although I think New Zealand is favoured, I think Australia has what it takes to win it this time around.  Australia also has good wine and cheese, though personally, I think the French are better at both.  But Australia can hold its own and then some in that department.  That’s the thing about Rugby Union.  Only nations with good wine and cheese are allowed to win the World Cup.  I know England won it once and they have poor wine and so-so cheese at best, but they buy a lot of the good stuff from France, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa so that’s probably why that anomaly occurred.  That’s my theory anyway.  

The Completely Random Baseball Playoffs

It’s October which means the opening of the NHL season.  Oh yes, and it also means Major League Baseball puts on its annual postseason show.  Now that the two wild card play-in games are done, - and thank you Astros for putting an end to the Yankees season – it is time for the Completely Random baseball postseason tournament.

By completely random, I mean just that.  Merit, home field, injuries and other circumstances are meaningless here.  This is purely based on random number generation.  Before I go on I should say that the last random tournament was for the Australian Rules Football League finals and I am happy to report that the Completely Random AFL finals was a complete bomb.  In that glorious tournament, my Tigers defeated the longsuffering Western Bulldogs in the Grand Final to capture their first premiership since 1980.  In the real finals, my Tigers were bounced in the first round making it three years in a row of one and done in the finals.  Very depressing.  Meanwhile Bulldogs fans continue to suffer even longer as they too were ousted in the first round.  Keep this spectacularly wrong prediction in mind as we summarize what happened in the completely random MLB tournament.

The Divisional Series

There are four series which are a best of 5.  In the American League, The Rangers defeated the Blue Jays in 5, 3 games to 2.  Toronto fans were hopeful for game 5 because it was at home.  But the Blue Jays decided to emulate the Maple Leafs and disappoint their fans.  Despite the good karma the Astros gained by ending the Yankees season, it wasn’t enough as the Royals took them down 3 games to 1.

Meanwhile in the National League we have one of the most compelling rivalry series we have had in years.  The Cubs, who continue to redefine what it means to be longsuffering each year, face off against the Cardinals, who have become the evil empire of our time unless you are a Cardinals fan of course.  This series lived up to everything we could have wanted and all America rejoiced as the Cubs took down the empire in 5, capping off this great series with a 2-1 win in game 5 which was held in St. Louis.

Meanwhile the Mets have high hopes this year because their division win was unexpected.  The Dodgers have disappointed in previous years but not this time.  This series was a clean sweep by the Dodgers sending Mets fans back to the drawing board.

The League Championship Series

Kansas City had the best record in the American League while the Rangers had to fight tooth and nail just to make it.  They must have been exhausted because the Royals, who came so close to winning it all last year, brought out the brooms and took down the Rangers in 4. 

By now, all of America except for Los Angeles, is cheering for the Cubs.  The Dodgers, however, won the first three games.  It was all over.  But then the Cubs won game 4.  Then they won game 5.  Then they won a dramatic game 6 at home.  Could they do what the 2004 Red Sox did, coming back from 3-0 down against the Yankees to advance to the World Series?  Sadly no and the frustration continues for the poor cubs as they go down in game 7.  Dodger fans are ecstatic but a little sad too because I think deep down, everyone wants to Cubs to finally win one.  Dodgers advance in 7.

The World Series

Now America watches more football, but some pay attention to the World Series.  These are mostly in Missouri and Los Angeles.  People in San Francisco are also paying attention partly because the 49ers suck and are unwatchable, but mostly because they hate the Dodgers and cannot bear the thought of them being the champions.  Dodger fans have had to endure a great era by the Giants so they want nothing more than to get some payback for all the pain and suffering they endured watching the Giants celebrate title after title.  Meanwhile Royals fans have suffered for a long time and many fans only experience the Royals brief glory years in highlight videos.  Last year they knocked on the door.  Can they kick it in this time? 

The Royals don’t kick the door in.  They blast it apart with heavy machinegun fire as they blow the Dodgers away in 4.  They don’t just sweep, they blow them out in each and every game.  The Dodgers got some seriously bad karma by ripping the heart out of America when they defeated the Cubs after hopes were raised to fever pitch. 

So there you have it.  The Kansas City Royals are the 2015 Completely Random World Series champions.  As for Chicago Cubs fans, not only do they have to put up with this disappointment, their Bears suck and the Bulls are a soap opera.  Poor Chicago.  But wait a minute!  They have the Blackhawks who are the reigning NHL champions.  OK, I don’t feel so bad for them anymore.  Embrace Hockey Chicago!   Meanwhile all of America congratulates the Royals, acknowledges them, and then gets back to watching the NFL.  Royals fans are ecstatic.  They finally have a championship after over 30 years.  They might as well enjoy it because the Kansas City Chiefs, have about as much chance of winning the Super Bowl as the United Sates Rugby World Cup team has of winning the World Cup.  And that, my friends, is a big zero.  Still, the Royals championship is a nice story and with that, another Completely Random tournament comes to a close.

The Completely Random 2015 AFL Finals

OK Australia.  This is what you have all been waiting for, the all random AFL finals.  For any American friends who decide to waste their time reading this – and I hope you do – AFL stands for Australian Football League as opposed to the American Federation of Labor.  But this is primarily for Australians because Australia is really the only country which cares about this great sport.  As always, completely random means just that.  Merit, home field, and form are not factors in this whatsoever.  This is the computerized equivalent of tossing dice.  And of course, I could run this simulation many times and get all kinds of results, but half the fun is to run this once, and once only to get the winner.  And so let it be done.

The first round sees both Qualifying Finals in West Australia.  The winner gets a bye in round 2 and a home preliminary final.  Given the economic battering West Australia is suffering at the moment, this is just what the state needs.  Of course, what the state really needs is for both their teams to actually win.  The first game features the High Flying Eagles who finished second during the home and away season against the flag favourite Hawks who finished third.  And yes, the Hawks are the flag favourites even though they are third.  Sadly for West Australia, the first game ends in disappointment as the Hawks destroy the Eagles on their own ground 150 to 63. 

But fear not.  The Dockers who were able to rest all of their really important players, because they finished 1^st get to face the Swans who had to win to keep 4^th position.  Unfortunately for the Dockers, someone forgot to tell their players to stop resting.  The Swans score a big upset over the Dockers 84 to 55.  So instead of hosting two preliminary finals in West Australia, they will host none.

Now West Australia is truly depressed and no football team can be responsible for the chaos that might follow.  Meanwhile in Melbourne we have the Western Bulldogs, the Cinderella team of 2015 hosting the schizophrenic Crows who look like they could beat the all star team one week, and look like they would have no all stars the next.  The Crows have had a tough and tragic season due to the unexpected death of their head coach and for them, 2015 ends as the Bulldogs rampage to a 108 point victory 164 to 56.

But forget all that.  I’m a Tigers supporter and the Tigers are playing their nemesis North Melbourne.  The Kangaroos always seem to find a way to beat the Tigers into oblivion.  But this time, the Tigers roar loudest and do what a real tiger would probably do to a real kangaroos slaughtering North Melbourne ruthlessly 163 to 90.  How they could play so poorly against North Melbourne B during the last round of the regular season, and play so well against a full strength squad will occupy the minds of football historians for decades to come.  But win they have.

At the end of the first round of the finals then, we have this situation.  The Hawks and Swans get to relax for a week.  But the bloodletting continues.  Round 2 gives us two pretty good matchups.  The Dockers play the Tigers while the Eagles play the Bulldogs.  The Tigers and Dockers have already played twice.  They have won one game apiece though the Tigers should have won the second encounter.  The Tigers win the rubber match in West Australia by 40 points 69 to 109.

And poor West Australia is plunged into unfathomable despair as the Bulldogs defeat the Eagles in West Australia in an absolute thriller 153 to 147.  That’s actually a possible score if these two teams play in the real world.  West Australia has now lost four consecutive finals matches in two weeks.  Aside from therapists, everyone else in the state is nearly beyond salvage by this stage.  Only New South Wales and Victoria remain.

The Preliminary Finals feature a rested Swans team playing the Bulldogs who just won the shootout of the century against the Eagles.  Bulldogs supporters, who have not seen a flag since 1954 are really excited and their excitement rises to fever intensity as the ever-scoring Bulldogs end the Swans’ season in Sydney 117 to 83.  A nice 34 point win propels the always underdog Bulldogs into the Grand Final.  Will Cinderella get the Prince in the end?

In Melbourne, the Hawks, who have won back-to back flags play a Tigers team which usually plays pretty well against the champs.  The Tigers beat them earlier in the season but the Hawks also beat the Tigers.  So once again, the Tigers are involved in a rubber match.  And just as they did against the Dockers, they prevail against the mighty Hawks by 19 points 115 to 96.  This gives us a grand final pairing the Bulldogs, who have gone 60 years without a flag, against the Tigers, who have gone 34 years without one.  The Bulldogs are still Cinderella though because although the Tigers have also seen a long drought, they have many flags whereas the poor Bulldogs have only the one in 1954 in their entire history.  So the Tigers become the evil step-mother though for Tigers fans like myself, there is no pity or compassion for the Bulldogs.  We want a slaughter so we can relax and enjoy the 4^th quarter, counting down to our first flag since 1980.

I should also point out that every time I have done a random tournament before in other sports, the favourite has always been picked.  With the Tigers completely random defeat of the Hawks, this sad state of affairs finally comes to an end.

In the Grand Final, on that storied last Saturday in September. . .wait. . .this year it’s the 1^st Saturday in October.  You know, there’s just something wrong about that.  Grand Finals should be played in September because they should be played in September.  But so be it.  On that not very storied 1^st Saturday in October, the evil step-mother destroys Cinderella and heartless Tigers supporters like me get what we want.  Richmond gets a massive Grand Final win of 83 points 130 to 47.  Richmond’s top defence finally stops the Dogs amazing scoring machine.  And as we say in America, defence wins championships.  This proves true again.

Oh we’re from Tigerland!!  The Richmond Tigers are the 2015 Completely Random champions.  Oh if only reality could mirror this.  And no, my program was not fixed.  It was actually completely random.  What an exciting finals that was.