Living outside the USA as I do, a number of people have
asked me questions about the NFL which baffle them. As a public service, I offer the following
answers.
Q.
Why are there so many breaks during each game leading to
sooooo many commercials?
A.
So we can get more beer from the refrigerator without
missing any action. Or, if we happen to
be watching the game at a bar, we can get more beers from the counter without
missing any action.
Q.
Why are there two different teams, one on offense and one
on defence?
A.
Actually there are three teams. The third is comprised of suicidal maniacs
who fear no danger and so are ideal for covering kickoffs and punts. It takes a special person to want to do this
so these are called Special Teams.
Meanwhile offensive players are highly motivated people who are goal
oriented and who are willing to put themselves in the direct path of danger in
order to help their teammates achieve success.
Meanwhile defensive players are psychopaths who enjoy smashing people to
pieces and who cannot stand for anyone to achieve any goals of any kind. How many people do you know who have both
sets of traits? I didn’t think so. For the record, I always dreamed of being a
linebacker. A linebacker is a defensive
player.
Q.
It seems all your special and memorable plays have
religious names. I’ve heard of the
Immaculate Reception, the Hail Mary, the Holy Roller and the Music City
Miracle, not to mention the Miracle in the Meadowlands. What’s with that?
A.
NFL games are our main religion. Actually, for many Americans, NFL games are
an extension of church. If you live on
the East Coast, where NFL games start in the afternoon, you go to church in the
morning, then watch NFL games in the afternoon.
If you live on the West Coast, you watch NFL games starting at 10:00
then go to church in the early evening.
You finish your Sunday by watching the Sunday Night game which you DVRed
while you were at church. It’s all just
one religious ceremony. If you are a
Patriots fan, you give Thanksgiving to God every week you have Brady and
Belichick on your side. If you are a
Cleveland Browns fan, you pray for a miracle, just one. You are willing to sacrifice just about
anything to achieve this. If you are a
Colts fan you ask God what you did wrong.
If you are a Cowboys fan, you know you follow God’s team, and you
contemplate the mysterious ways of God in allowing the Cowboys to be pretty
much irrelevant for the last 20 years and you begin to explore the nature of
karma. Everyone else is somewhere in
between these extremes. So not only do
NFL games provide entertainment, they provide a meaningful spiritual experience
to millions of Americans.
Q.
I’ve heard Bill Belichick is the devil incarnate. Is that true?
A.
It’s all a matter of perspective. If you are a Colts fan a Ravens fan, or a fan
of an AFC East team, the answer is yes.
If you follow any other team, you think he probably isn’t, but you are
not 100% sure.
Of course, back in the 90’s, Jimmy Johnson of the Cowboys
was the devil incarnate to many. But
then he coached Miami and everyone then realized he was but a mortal man.
Q.
Why do so many quarterbacks scream out Kill Kill Kill! All
the time? Is this what American children
should be exposed to?
A.
Absolutely. If I
were a young boy I would want my quarterback to yell that out. It shows he is manly, and unafraid. It also shows he has figured out what the
defence is up to and is doing something about it. We Americans get worried if our quarterbacks
don’t yell out stuff like that.
Q.
What is a blitz?
A.
A blitz is different things for different people. For many, it is when a defence sends extra
people after the quarterback hoping to sack him or apply enough pressure on him
to thwart his passes. For Rob Ryan, the
defensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints, it is a defensive tactic
which provides the opposing team a golden opportunity to score a
touchdown.
Q.
What is the Prevent Defence?
A.
The Prevent Defence is one of the great mysteries which
Americans have not solved. I believe a
congressional investigation is being lodged to look into it. The Prevent defence prevents your team from
holding a lead at the end of the game and thereby prevents you from actually
winning the game. Why it continues to be
used is the big mystery. It’s right up
there with who really killed JFK and why in God’s name do people actually care what
happens to the Kardashians.
Q.
Which team logo do Americans consider the coolest?
A.
I believe it is the skull and crossbones of the
Raiders. This says a great deal for the
American people doesn’t it?
Q.
Why do you Americans revel in such a violent game?
A.
We are a violent nation.
We came into existence by fighting a revolutionary war. We then fought a rematch with England in
1812, fought numerous wars against Native Americans, and then decided we wanted
to fight Mexico too. In fact, when we
were bored, we fought ourselves, and then went back to more wars against Native
Americans. We were in both world wars,
Korea, Vietnam and well, you get the picture.
Looks like we’re going to stay in Afghanistan too. The NFL suits our nature.
Q.
Why do you sing the National Anthem before every single
game?
A.
Because we Americans know our professional football teams
are the best in the world at this game and we’re proud that the top 32
professional football teams in the world are all from the United States. How many other countries do you know who can
say the top 32 teams in the world, in any sporting code belong to their
country?
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