The Completely Random Rugby World Cup

The Rugby World Cup has reached the business end.  All of the pool games have been played and all of the minnows have been weeded out.  Now it’s time for the knock-out phase so let the Completely Random Rugby World Cup Knockout Tournament begin.  The scores are based purely on random number generation.  The actual quality of the teams and the form they are in plays no part.  The biggest shock is that England did not qualify for the quarterfinals even though they are the host nation.  No doubt there is much weeping and gnashing of teeth happening as a result. 

Before I begin, for those of you not familiar with rugby there are two types.  One is Rugby Union, which is by far the more international of the two codes and is the variety played for the World Cup, well, the world cup that really matters anyway.  The other variety is called Rugby League.  The two codes have some similarities but actually, they are quite different.  The difference was once explained to me this way.  Rugby Union is a barbarian’s game played by gentlemen while Rugby league is a barbarian’s game played by barbarians.  As for more detailed differences, you can look them up.  For my American readers, though, American football inherited the concept of downs from Rugby League, but otherwise, it is closer to Rugby Union.

The Quarterfinals

South Africa suffered perhaps the most shocking loss I have ever seen in sports for their opening pool match.  I’m not sure it is the most shocking, but it is up there in my book.  Lowly Japan stunned South Africa.  This would be like a roster comprised of NFL players put on waivers defeating the Patriots during a must win game for the Patriots.  It was almost inconceivable.  In fact, I didn’t even bother to record this game because I was sure this would be a blowout.  But South Africa recovered to top their pool and qualify.  They play Wales and South Africa’s recovery continues with a solid 20-10 victory over the Welsh.  Wales is possibly the best Northern Hemisphere team at the moment, but they cannot compete against the super powers from below the Equator.

Now we get to New Zealand v France.  New Zealand hates to play France.  Yes, New Zealand won the last World Cup by defeating France, but it was a one point game in which they just hung on.  France has a way of stunning New Zealand and this time is no exception with a shocking 22-5 win over the favourites.  Bye-bye New Zealand!

Ireland holds off Argentina 28-20 while Scotland plays the game of its life and takes out the green and gold of Australia.  As a result, the Australian Prime Minister forbids the series Outlander from ever being broadcast in Australia as retaliation for this shocker.  So after one round, 2/3 of the Southern Hemisphere stops caring about the Rugby World Cup while Scotland and Ireland mercilessly taunts England.

The Semi-finals

After losing to Japan in their opening pool match, South Africa is on a roll.  But the frogs take out the lone surviving Southern Hemisphere team 37-29.  The French make yet another World Cup final.  Meanwhile, Scotland and Ireland fight it out to see who will join France.  The United Kingdom nearly stops being united.  But in the end, the luck of the Irish, plus some skill, holds firm as Ireland defeats Scotland by the exact same score of 39-27.  Ah, random numbers are great aren’t they?

Shortly after the semi-finals, New Zealand declares war on France because there is only so much suffering they can endure at the hands of the French.  Anyone who follows Rugby Union can understand this given the history between the two teams.  It’s New Zealand’s wine and cheese which attack’s France and now the world must decide.  And you know, that decision is not as easy as one might think.  In the end, though, the French won the game and the UN breaks up the war before New Zealand’s virtually nonexistent war fleet can reach the Atlantic. 

The Big One

So now it is France V Ireland for the glory.  Last time around, France was supposed to be blown away by New Zealand in the final.  New Zealand were playing at home as the host nation.  France fought bravely and went down kicking and screaming by a point.  The French have been waiting for four years to have another chance.  This time Les Bleus takes out Irish green 44-23.  Congratulations France, you are the winners of the 2015 Completely Random Rugby World Cup.

My real world prediction is Australia.  They have played very good rugby thus far and although I think New Zealand is favoured, I think Australia has what it takes to win it this time around.  Australia also has good wine and cheese, though personally, I think the French are better at both.  But Australia can hold its own and then some in that department.  That’s the thing about Rugby Union.  Only nations with good wine and cheese are allowed to win the World Cup.  I know England won it once and they have poor wine and so-so cheese at best, but they buy a lot of the good stuff from France, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa so that’s probably why that anomaly occurred.  That’s my theory anyway.