As we get closer to the Panthers Broncos Super Bowl, all
of America wants to know what happened to the Totally Random Football
Playoffs. Well, I didn’t have the time
to post anything until now, but the playoffs were played in this alternate
universe and here are the results. I
should say at the outset that in this alternate universe, neither the Panthers
nor the Broncos made it to the Super Bowl.
I should also say part of the reason for not posting this until now is
my complete disgust at the Cowboys 4-12 season.
Wild Card Weekend
For Wild Card Weekend, 3 out of the 4 teams paralleled our
universe. The only difference was the
Houston Texans who actually had a pulse, and a quarterback actually capable of
throwing the ball to someone other than a Chief. Too bad that didn’t happen in our
universe. The Texans downed the Chiefs
28-27 in a thriller. Otherwise,
everything else pretty much ran to course.
The Steelers and Bengals played a defensive game for the ages with the
Steelers winning 10-3. Or was it an
unwatchable game for the ages?
Divisional Round
In the Divisional Round, the Broncos bowed out going down to
the Steelers 22-11. I must say this is
what I actually thought would happen in our universe. I figured the Broncos might score 11 points
or so while Big Ben would drive for enough points to get the Steelers to the
Conference Championship game. But Denver
managed to pull it out.
And speaking of Denver, how lucky can you get. In the real world, they played two teams
absolutely ravaged by injuries and both down to their 27th string
running back. And everyone says “you can’t
run against the Broncos.” Heck, the
Steelers and Patriots might as well have had me in the backfield. Had the Cowboys been there instead of the
Broncos, both the Steelers and Patriots would have been completely healthy, and
there would have been a miracle stem cell breakthrough the week before the game
which would enable all injured players on the opposition to be like the season
was just starting. Yes, I’m bitter about
the Cowboys. Seriously, though, Denver
is a lucky team and I think we’ll find out that Carolina will run just fine
against the Broncos.
But back to the random universe. The Texans reverted to what we would expect
as they got wasted by the Patriots 26-6.
Meanwhile the Seahawks made the Panthers one and done beating them 37-23
while the Cardinals took out the Packers.
Conference Championship
In a snow storm, the Patriots advanced to the Super Bowl
with an 18-5 win. Hey, the random
universe got the Patriot’s score exactly the same as in the real universe. The random Steelers couldn’t take it anymore
and bowed out. Meanwhile in the NFC
championship game, the Seahawks beat the Cardinals 8-5. If this had been a real score, I wonder what
might account for that silly score.
After all, Arizona is not known for snow storms. But in the random universe, games like this
happen quite often.
The Random Super Bowl
In the Random Super Bowl 50, and thank goodness it’s not
Super Bowl L, we have a rematch between the Patriots and Seahawks. And can I just say something about Roman numerals? Why are we still using them? They are useless. The only reason for having them around is so
people can look smart. I mean, when you
really think of it, who cares if you can figure out that MCXLIX is. . .uh. .
.uh. . .whatever that works out to be.
If you can calculate MCXLIX squared using just Roman numerals, that is
kind of impressive, but that is offset by the stupidity of even trying. We have advanced mathematically since then so
let’s use numbers which are just plain better than what the Romans had. That the Romans could build what they did
without our mathematics is remarkable though and they should get credit for
that. But I think if Roman engineers had
been introduced to our number system, and the concept of zero for that matter,
they would have dropped Roman numerals faster than one of their ballista stones,
which were pretty darn fast.
In this rematch, the Patriots did not need to rely on the
dumbest call in Super Bowl history and a heroic last second interception. In this version, the Patriots handled the
Seahawks easily beating them 39-17. And
so the Totally Random 2015-2016 NFL champion is the Patriots.
And most of America is now breathing a sigh of relief that
the Patriots won again in the random universe, and not in the real world. Still, I think many people would have thought
a rematch is what we could see.
My Real Super Bowl Prediction
In the real world, I think the Panthers are a vastly
superior team this year and I believe they will slaughter the Broncos. Of course, Denver has a knack of winning
close games, but then, they have been very lucky. I think their luck runs out and it will be
Broncos Seahawks all over again.
Whoever wins, enjoy your time at the top because the Cowboys
will gun sling their way back to glory next year! Oh my goodness, a pig just flew past my
window and I’m on the 5th floor.
Honest, that pig just whizzed by.
Note:
MCXLIX = 1,149.
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