The Totally Random 2022 FIFA Men's World Cup

 FIFA Totally Random Men’s World Cup

The FIFA Men’s World Cup is the biggest sporting event on the planet.  It is bigger than the Olympics and the final will be watched by more than half the world’s population.  Even bigger, however, is the Totally Random Men’s World Cup.  In this tournament, home field, form, injuries, managers, and team chemistry have nothing to do with the results.  The tournament is run only once.  Here, then, is the most coveted random tournament on earth.

Group A

Final rankings:

Ecuador

Qatar

Netherlands

Senegal

 

This is a pretty shocking result.  It is the most up-side-down group.  I’m very disappointed the Dutch failed to advance, but everyone else rejoices.  For some reason I fail to understand, most of the world hate the Dutch.  Germany declares a National Day of Celebration.

 

Group B:

Final rankings:

England

USA

Wales

Iran

 

The Iranians would be bitterly disappointed.  They do have a 5-3 victory over the USA to console them, but given how well Iran played last World Cup, this result is disappointing.  I can honestly say Iran was one of my favorite teams to watch during the last tournament.  England win the group despite going down to the USA 3-5.  I guess the USA were so stunned, they failed to show up against Iran.  But when all is said and done, England and the USA are through.

 

Group C

Final rankings:

Saudi Arabia

Argentina

Mexico

Poland

 

Things started very poorly for Argentina going down 0-3 to Saudi Arabia.  But they scrape through thanks to a dramatic 4-5 win over a disappointing Poland.  Mexico never had any consistency.  Now they can sit back, relax, and watch the USA advance.  This makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

 

Group D

Final Rankings:

Denmark

Tunisia

Australia

France

 

Wow, what a disappointing World Cup for France.  They could only manage two points with a 0-0 and 1-1 draw to Australia and Tunisia respectively.  Denmark was solid as usual, and Australians realized why their team barely scraped through as they fail to advance.  Tunisia is happy to advance and are doing Africa proud so far.

 

Group E:

Final Rankings:

Germany

Spain

Costa Rica

Japan

 

I think this group more or less aligned with real world expectations.  Germany and Spain looked amazing at times, and pedestrian at other times.  Costa Rica were OK but as usual, fail to do anything in the World Cup.  It looks like the USA will be the flag bearers for mighty CONCACAF.  As for the Samurai, all they can hope for is that South Korea bombs out.  This is a bitter pill to swallow for them.

 

Group F

Final Rankings:

Croatia

Canada

Morocco

Belgium

 

I felt the window is closing on Belgium but in the Totally Random tournament, the window slammed shut and the glass was shattered.  As for the US bearing the CONCACAF flag, not so fast.  Canada topped CONCACAF qualifying and they do quite well in the Totally Random World Cup continuing their momentum.  Croatia advances as expected.  Belgium’s exit leaves this side of the bracket wide open.

Group G

Final Rankings:

Serbia

Cameroon

Switzerland

Brazil

 

OK, this is Totally Random.  Switzerland surely expected more and as for Brazil, if I were the players, I would defect because going back to Brazil after finishing last in the group is just not good for the health. Brazil prides itself on its goal scoring ability, but when you give up 10 goals in the group stage, which is what Brazil did here, well, forget advancing.  It turns out, however, that Brazilian players do not need to defect because newly reelected Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro claims Brazil actually won the World Cup and will host a parade for the “winning team” in Rio.  The world wonders whether Bolsonaro will wait until the actual World Cup finishes before he does this.

 

Group H

Final Rankings

South Korea

Ghana

Portugal

Uruguay

 

Ghana is one of those teams no one really pays attention to, but when you look up at the end of the group stage, they are often still around, and this is the case here.  The highly fancied Portuguese team is humiliated and like the Brazilian players, the Uruguayan players might want to consider defecting as well.  Perhaps the two teams could merge to form a super team.  But no, they despise each other too much for that.  I guess they will have to wait for the next World Cup.  And the Japanese are disappointed because South Korea advances.  Japan declares a National Day of Mourning and the population is encouraged to pray at their family shrines for deliverance from this national nightmare.

 

The Round of 16

Wow that was a lot of random games.  Now we get to the knock-out phase.

Ecuador 1-0 USA

Ecuador and the USA don’t like each other so this is a big win for the South Americans.  The goal is controversial, but it stands.  The young USA team really wasn’t expected to win the World Cup, but I had hoped they might win this Totally Random tournament.  It is not to be.

Saudi Arabia 5-0 Tunisia

Was this game fixed?  Don’t look now but Saudi Arabia look marvelous in this tournament.  They are a real juggernaut. 

Germany 0-1 Canada

It turns out Canada are the sole flagbearers for mighty CONCACAF.  This is truly a shocking result.  What happened to Germany here?  They pressed, and they pressed, but to no avail.  Canada gets a completely unexpected win.

Serbia 5-1 Ghana

Serbia has a really solid team.  They are not spectacular, but anytime you score five goals against anyone in the round of 16, you must be taken seriously.

England 4-0 Qatar

This game had a massive scandal attached to it.  Reports surfaced that Qatar offered to bail out the English economy if England let Qatar win.  No money changed hands because it turns out that British Prime Minister Liz Truss had no idea what a bail out was, and in any case, was never interested in actually fixing the economy.  Thus it was that England played to its potential and blew out the host nation.  Thank you, England.  Well done.  Although Qatar is temporarily disappointed, they take the long view.  They will eventually buy all EPL teams and call England’s national team their own one day.

Denmark 0-3 Argentina

It looks like Argentina has figured out their team balance and will be a force to be reckoned with.  Argentina no longer depends on Lionel Messi for everything.

Croatia 1-3 Spain

Spain looks like their dazzling, attacking selves defeating a stout but ultimately disappointing Croatian side.

South Korea 1-3 Cameroon

Africa is still well represented as Cameroon surprises South Korea.  Japan declares a National Day of Celebration as the Africans advance.

The Quarterfinals

Ecuador 0-3 Saudi Arabia

The Saudis are the best team in the tournament thus far.  Let’s face it, both teams overachieved but, in this case, Saudi Arabia keep on achieving.

Canada 2-4 Serbia

At last, the noble Canadians go down.  O Canada, you tried.  It is looking more and more like this solid but unspectacular Serbian side might go all the way.  Serbia’s four goals had more to do with Canada being in way over their head than with spectacular play.  Having said this, Serbia has been a scoring machine thus far.

England 1-3 Argentina

OK, NATO went on high alert before this game.  This is the game England really wanted to win.  But sadly no.  There is rioting in the streets all over England after this result.  Argentina, on the other hand, hosted the mother of all parties.  What is it about these two countries.  This time, there was no hand of God.  However, with the score tied 1-1 in the second half, Argentina scored on an unbelievable deflection that completely surprised English goalkeeper Jordan Pickford.  The goal was put down to one of those freak things that happen sometimes except for the fact replays baffled experts.  How could that ball have deflected in like that since it did not seem to come off of anyone.  A day after the game, a team of video experts in Switzerland discovered a mysterious shadowy hand seen in a Skycam shot from above that changed the direction of the ball.  “It was almost imperceptible” said Dr. Ludwig Schwartz, a well-respected professor at École Polytechnique Federale of Lausanne.  Dr. Schwartz continues to insist the shadowy hand is not the result of a deep fake.  This only increased the rioting in England.  This is now known as The Hand of Maradona. 

Spain 4-1 Cameroon

The courageous Africans were bound to go down eventually, and they went down in the quarterfinals just as that magical Roger Miller led team did in the 1990 World Cup.  Spain is cruising.

The Semifinals

Tensions are high now.  We are close to the finish line.  The betting public have their money on Saudi Arabia because they believe the fix is in.  After all, the fix was in for Qatar to host this tournament in the first place.

Saudi Arabia 1-5 Serbia

The fix was in but not as people thought.  A lot of people lost a lot of money on this game and now Serbia is one game away from paydirt.  People suddenly realize this team is solid and spectacular.  Serbia has scored 14 goals so far in the knockout stages alone.  At this to the 13 goals they scored during the group stages, and we are looking at the highest scoring World Cup team in world history.  This team was under the radar for too long but after this game, the world sees Serbia as a dominant force in world football.   It is worth pointing out that a few people won a lot of money on this game.  Hmm.

Argentina 2-4 Spain

In a game for the ages, this is the match everyone hoped would happen.  It was 2-2 with 15 minutes to go when Spain went ahead on a controversial penalty that reduced Argentina to 10 men.  In the 90^th minute, the entire Argentinian team were red carded awarding Spain another goal.

The Who Cares 3^rd Place Game

Saudi Arabia 2-3 Argentina

FIFA really needs to ditch this game.  I had to beg my random number generator to work for this game.  Even a mindless random number generator doesn’t care who wins this one.

The Final

By now, most of the four billion people watching this game are going for Serbia.  No one gave them a chance.  They have been defensive gold all tournament long, and they will need to produce one more time to stop the rampaging Spanish.  Serbia’s defense gives up 3 goals.  However, Serbia has been scoring in this tournament as well, and they also score 3 goals.  The World Cup final goes to extra time.  In the second half of extra time, Serbia scores a spectacular goal reminiscent of Super Mario’s goal that gave Germany a dramatic 1-0 victory over Argentina in the 2014 World Cup.  Serbia hangs on to win against a desperate Argentina.

Congratulations Serbia!  You are the 2022 FIFA Totally Random World Champions.  In the totally random world, anything is possible!

 

 

The 2022 Totally Random NRL Finals

 The 2022 Totally Random National Rugby League Finals

There are two major football codes in Australia:  Australian Rules Football, and Rugby League.  The AFL finals started last week, now it is the turn of the NRL to stage theirs.  And you all know what that means.  That’s right.  It is time once more for the Totally Random finals.  Home field, injuries, form, history, and momentum play no factor.  This is completely random with the finals played once and only once.  Here is how it went.

Week 1

Week one was generally high scoring with the mother of all shootouts between the Roosters and the Rabbitohs.  The Roosters survived and kept their late season surge going with a breathtaking 50-42 victory.  Bye-bye Rabbitohs.  Meanwhile, the top seed Panthers cruised into the Preliminary final and earned a bye in Week 2 with an easy 24-2 victory over the Eels.  I thought the Eels would do better, but of course, this is totally random.  What was I thinking?  The Storm have not been their typical selves this year but they staggered and stumbled their way into next week with a dramatic 24-22 win over the Raiders, who always give the Storm trouble.  This is the first time in a while the Storm finished out of the top 4 at season’s end, but as the 5^th place team, this victory means they fight on.  And finally, the Sharks really put on a show with a pretty easy 40-22 win over the Cowboys with the Cowboys scoring late in garbage time to make the score look more respectable than it actually was.  At the end of week 1, the Raiders and Rabbitohs start their offseason and the other six teams continue on with both the Panthers and Sharks earning a week 2 bye.

Week 2

The Eels took out the Storm late in the regular season.  Smarting from the beating they took at the hands of the top seed Panthers; you would think they would bounce back against the injury riddled Storm.  But no!  The Storm seems to have found finals form as they smash the Eels on the road 40-12.  The Eels who finished 4^th, thanks to their win over the Storm, are out, while the Storm blow into a preliminary finals match against the Sharks.

In the other match, both sets of fans needed a defibrillator nearby as this one went back and forth.  But when the final siren sounded, North Queensland prevailed thereby taking full advantage of their double chance.  The final score was 42-38.  But they have a daunting task the following week as they square off against the top seed and defending champions Panthers.  It’s a good thing this is totally random.

The Preliminary Finals

Cowboys’ fans kept their defibrillator nearby just in case while the Panthers did not have any because they basically cruise controlled their way through 2022.  This is why their hearts didn’t stand up as well as those belonging to the Cowboys.  The Cowboys win another thriller 42-44.  Wow, that controversial penalty awarded in the 80^th minute will live on for years.  The Panthers fail to go back-to-back, and the Cowboys skip into their fourth Grand Final hoping to even their record at 2-2.

The last time the Cowboys were in the Grand Final, they lost to the Storm.  Well, they get their chance for revenge because the Storm win a defensive struggle against the Sharks 4-14.  After all the shootouts, it looks like the random number generator wanted a rest, except of course, it doesn’t actually require rest.  At any rate, it’s time to party like it’s 2017 with the rematch between the Cowboys and the Storm.

The Grand Final

This time, the Cowboys extract revenge with yet another thriller.  North Queensland hospitals are by this time overrun with heart patients.  The Cowboys prevail in a 28-26 thriller with one failed try conversion by the Storm giving the Cowboys the most coveted title in Rugby League, the 2022 Totally Random Premiership.  Congratulations to the Cowboys.  Meanwhile, another Cowboys team in the USA, the Dallas Cowboys who are my favorite NFL team, will try to emulate Australia’s Cowboys.  They probably won’t, but as I always say, hope is the curse of the fan.  It keeps us coming back every year.  For the North Queensland Cowboys, their hope was realized, at least in the Totally Random universe.

 

 

 

 

The 2022 Totally Random AFL Finals

 The Totally Random AFL 2022 Finals

Hello once again.  After 23 rounds of the 2022 Australian Rules Football season, it is time for the finals and as always, we run the Totally Random finals.  A random number generator is used to pick the winners.  Merit, home field advantage, form, and injuries play no part.  The tournament is played once and here are the results.  So sit back, relax, and waste a few minutes with this annual tradition.

Week 1

The Tigers are in good form while the Lions are not.  On Thursday, September 1, the Tigers continue on with a comfortable 119-83 victory.  The Lions will need to examine their list and do some soul searching.

On Saturday, the Demons and Swans, 2^nd and 3^rd respectively, play for a chance to host a preliminary final.  Melbourne are the defending champs and the loser gets a second chance.  This is just as well for the Demons because the Sydney Swans roll into Melbourne and take care of business 89-49.  This game is a blowout which is completely unexpected.

We then get to the game everyone in Victoria has been waiting for.  The Cats finished on top of the AFL world while the Magpies took their fans on a wild Cinderella ride with close, miracle, comeback win after close, miracle comeback win.  The MCG is sold out but the game is a one-sided blowout.  The Cats show why they are the top team as they demolish the Magpies 104-48.  All is not lost for Collingwood, though.  They finished 4^th and therefor have a second chance.  They will want to improve though.

Finally we have the game no one really cares about unless you are a Dockers or Bulldogs supporter, and there aren’t many of those around.  The Dockers have been good all year and deserve to host a final.  They don’t disappoint in the shootout of the year 147-139.  The Dogs only made the 8 because Carlton committed one of the great choke jobs in AFL history so good riddance to them.

The Swans and Cats get to rest while the other four teams move on to another do or die finals.

Week 2

At a packed MCG full of roaring Tigers fans, we see a tough defensive struggle.  In the end, the Demons keep their hope of back-to-back titles alive with a two goal win over the Tigers 69-57.  Most of the crowd consists of Tigers supporters so it is a disappointing day.

Meanwhile, Magpies have hope while Dockers fans are beginning to believe.  But it is the Magpies who prevail in a rare big win for them 151-99.  The Dockers join the Tigers in the land of what might have been.

Week 3 – The Preliminary Finals.

No more second chances.  A win books a ticket to the Grand Final while a loss books a ticket to an offseason of frustration.  The Swans were the only team in the second half of the regular season to defeat the Magpies.  They did this in Sydney.  It’s déjà vu because these two teams meet again in Sydney.  Usually in sports, the wicked stepsisters win and the Cinderella Collingwood story comes to an abrupt halt.  The Swans prevail in a thriller 83-75.  Let’s hope Collingwood finally chokes a 4^th quarter away so they can experience as much pain and suffering as possible.  And no, I’m not vindictive.

Meanwhile the Cats are riding high.  They have a history of underwhelming in the finals but this year is different they tell themselves.  This year they have been the most consistent team all season.  But this is a one game winner take all affair and the Demons come to play taking the Cats out 113-70.  In the end, the Cats are no match for the defending champs.

The Grand Final

And now the big one.  The Sydney Swans travel to the MCG to take on the defending champions.  The Swans last won a Grand Final in 2012.  Can they end 10 years of being very good, but not quite good enough?  After a tense beginning, the Sydney Swans wear down the demons and prevail 113-81.  The Demons fail to repeat leaving the Tigers as the last team to do that.  I had to glorify my Tigers somehow.  Congratulations to the Sydney Swans, the 2022 AFL Totally Random champions!

 

 

The 2022 Totall Random Playoffs

Totally Random 2022 Playoffs

Another NFL regular season has come and gone and the playoffs are finally upon us.  And you know what that means.  It is time for the 2022 totally random NFL playoffs.  There is absolutely no analysis, no handicapping, no past history factored in, and not a single bit of intellectual effort spent to determine the winners and losers.  This is completely random.  With that said, here we go.

Wild Card Round

The Raiders faced four elimination games to get here including one of the greatest regular season games ever against the LA Chargers.  This took its toll on the gallant Raiders as Joe Burrow dices up this exhausted team 47-10.  Sorry Raiders, but your run was fun to watch.  Meanwhile in Buffalo, we have another massive wind event making throwing the ball next to impossible.  And once again, the Patriots emerge victorious by a score of 11-9.  I’m going to say no touchdowns were scored in this one.  The Patriots win on a safety.  Buffalo should consider a dome.

The 7^th seed Eagles go into Tampa and pull off the impossible.  They keep Tampa to 6 points as they grind out a 19-6 upset win.  Is it finally time for Brady to retire?  In Dallas, a lot of people expect the 49ers to manhandle the Cowboys, but the Cowboys show they can beat anyone on their day as they roll to a 41-22 win over the 49ers.  Good riddance.  In the Sunday night game, the Steelers , who are lucky if they score more than 14 points, put 40 on the stunned Chiefs winning 40-37 on a last second field goal.  The good people of Missouri are in shock as is the rest of the football world.  And finally on Monday night, we get yet another Cardinals, Rams matchup.  We get a low scoring defensive struggle as the Cardinals put the high-priced Rams out of their misery 14-7.

Divisional Round

The Titans had a bye and thanks to the Steelers’ shock win over the Chiefs, it’s their turn to get Big Ben.  The Titans do what the Chiefs should have done, blowing the Steelers out of 2022 42-3.  Meanwhile we have two young quarterbacks going at it, Mac Jones and Joe Burrow.  It is Jones and the Patriots who prevail 45-35 in a shootout.   Wow, what a game.

The Packers seem to always glide into the playoffs thanks to playing in a pathetic division.  People bang on the NFC East as being the worst division in football but come on, I know the Giants really suck, but the NFC East sent two teams to the postseason while the NFC North sent only one while none of the other teams had a winning record.  The Packers get to cruise every year.  But this is the playoffs and the Eagles show why the NFC East can still bring it as they stun the Packers 23-21.  Bye-bye Aaron.  Good riddance. 

Meanwhile we’ve been hearing how Arizona quarterback Kyle Murray has never lost at AT&T Stadium.  Well he has now as the Cowboys whoop up on dem Cardinals 44-0.  How ‘bout them Cowboys!  The Cowboys have smashed the Eagles twice during the regular season.  Surely they can do so again as they are a vastly superior team.

Conference Championship Round

But this is the Totally Random Playoffs where nothing makes sense.  The lowly Eagles, lowest seed in the NFC march into AT&T stadium and score, and score, then keep on scoring as they smash my Cowboys 35-18.  What  disappointment.

Meanwhile the football world get just what they want, yet another Patriots Super Bowl appearance.  The master defeats the apprentice 37-25.  So we have the Eagles and Patriots meeting once again.  Can the Eagles keep up their Cinderella run?

The Super Bowl

No one saw this coming.  Two wild card teams, the 7^th and 6^th seeds respectively meet for all the marbles.  And it is the incredible Eagles who fly high 44-22.  Who will get their statue? 

Congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles, the 2022 Totally Random Champions of the NFL.  Let’s hope this doesn’t happen in the real world, but if they take out the Buccaneers and Packers, it means the Cowboys could get the conference championship game at home.

Let the real games begin!