The 2021 Totally Random AFL Finals

 The 2021 Totally Random AFL Finals

Hello again.  It is the time you’ve all been waiting for, the Totally Random AFL Finals.  The advantage Totally Random has over the real thing is that you actually don’t need to play any games, meaning you eliminate the risk of spreading Covid-19.  And because most games these days are played in front of no fans, the drawback of having no fans at Totally Random games is not as huge a drawback as it would normally be.  Sadly, my Tigers are not in either the Random or the Real version of the finals, but after winning three out of the last four premierships, this does not hurt as much as it has in the past.

For those not familiar with this, the winners and losers are decided completely at random.  Home field (not that this matters much this year), merit, form, and strength of team, has nothing to do with the results.  I run this once at a designated time, and let the chips, or in this case, cyber-dice, fall where they may.

The First Round

This year’s Totally Random Finals was kind of a fizzer to be honest.  There was only one close game.  The rest were all one-sided massacres.

The Finals began with the second qualifying final between (2) Port Adelaide and (3) Geelong.  The Cats did what they have done year after year.  They lost their first finals match and needed to take advantage of their double chance.  The Power went on a scoring frenzy to win 161-93.  This was probably due to the fact the Power have the only legitimate home game of the round.

The next day the Swans destroyed the Giants 150-90.  I hope that doesn’t happen in real life because I have money on the Giants to win it all.  The Demons celebrate their return to finals football with a 101 point massacre of the Lions to advance straight to the Preliminary Final with Port Adelaide being the other team to get a bye next week.  Well, I say next week, but in Totally Random play, there are no weeks.  The finals are over and done with in minutes.

The Bombers ended the Bulldogs late season slump by knocking them out altogether.  The Bombers only won 115-97 which by the standards of this round constitutes a close game.  Bye-bye Bulldogs.

The Second Round

Port Adelaide and Melbourne get a bye. 

We began this round with the sole close match, and what a match this was if you enjoy scoring.  The Cats defeated the Swans by eight points 164-156.  What a game!.  That game was followed by a 96 point Lions blowout of the Bombers though so one great game was followed by a laugher.

Preliminary Finals

Melbourne, who haven’t won a flag since 1964, and who have not been in a Grand Final since 2000, where they lost to an all-time Bombers team, returned to the Grand Final with an easy 146-97 win against the finals-cursed Cats.  Since 2011, they just cannot go all the way.  So close and yet so far. 

Last year in the real world, Port Adelaide lost a home preliminary final heartbreaker by six points against the Tigers.  Well, history repeats itself this time in the Totally Random world but this time, they go down by 21 points in another high scoring game.  The Lions win 142-121.  After the Lions lost by 101 points against Melbourne in the first round of the finals, they have a chance for redemption.

The Grand Final

Melbourne fans have dreamed of this.  The Red and Blue finally win at the MCG in front of 100,000 fans.  The long wait is over.  But the dream gets off to a bad start because the Grand Final is played in, well, who knows where, but it is not the MCG.  But what of the rest of the dream?  You would think that after a 101 point thrashing of the Lions, the Demons have their number.

But in one of the most stunning turn-arounds in sporting history, it is the Brisbane Lions who come away with the premiership cup and wow, do they ever.  They smash the stunned Demons 154-47.  Yes that’s right.  They lost in their first meeting by 101 points, but win by 107 in the Grand Final rematch.  Only in the Totally Random universe is this possible.

So congratulations to the Brisbane Lions.  Your long 19 year wait is over.  As for the Demons, we’re up to 57 years.  You’re not quite up with the Swans 76 year drought, but you’re getting there.

 

The Totally Random Euro2020 Championships

 

Totally Random Euro2020

Finally after a five year wait, the European Football (that’s soccer) championships have arrived.  They were supposed to happen last year but were postponed because of Covid.  The European Championships is a tournament in which Cinderella sometimes wins.  We had Denmark coming out of nowhere to win it in 1992, and they were a late entry to the tournament.  The 2004 tournament gave us Greece as champions, something no one, including Greece, saw coming.  And while it is usually the wicked stepsisters who win big sports tournaments, let’s see what happens this time.

Also five years in the making, is the Totally Random European Championships.  Yes it has been five long years since the last Totally Random European Championships were held, but at long last, it happened.  In the Totally Random universe, form, quality of players, quality of coaching, and home field advantage has absolutely no bearing on the result.  We choose a designated run, and let the random number generator work everything out.  In the random world, Cinderella is on equal footing with the wicked stepsisters.

Group Stage

The group stage produced very few dull games.  Hungary, Scotland, and Switzerland were the surprises of the tournament.  They had their ups and downs, but they forged through.  Germany was particularly disappointing finishing at the bottom of the Group of Death, otherwise known as Group F.  England scored a grand total of two goals throughout the group stage, and that was in a 5-2 loss to the Czech Republic.  So out they went.  Here were the teams who advanced out of the group stage.  I’ll list the top two teams in each group, then the third place teams overall who advanced.

From Group A we had  Switzerland and Wales.  I suppose you could say Wales was also a surprise team.

From Group B we had Denmark and Finland.

Group C gave us The Netherlands and Ukraine.

Group D had Scotland and the Czech Republic showing that anything can happen in the Totally Random universe.

Group E yielded Poland and Spain.

Group F had France topping the group with Hungary surprising everyone as they advanced.

The third place teams who advanced were:  Belgium, Austria, Portugal and Italy.

The Round of 16

The round of 16 gave us a lot of good games, but a lot of long ones too since four went to extra time or penalties.  The Czech Republic defeated Spain in an instant classic 5-4.  Meanwhile in a shocking result, Austria blew France away 5-1.  Switzerland defeated Ukraine 4-3 in extra time, while Denmark finally put the Italians out of their misery 4-1.  Wales had a nice tournament, but it ended 4-1 at the hands of Finland.  That is the Wales we all expected.  Meanwhile Poland defeated The Netherlands 3-2 in penalties.  What a game.  It was tied 5-5 after extra time.  You want goals, you had plenty in that game.  Hungary continued to shock the world ending Scotland’s hopes for a happy ever after with a 5-0 drubbing.  And finally, Belgium finally got it’s act together with a 4-2 win over Poland.  Well, not really.  That was a 4-2 win in penalties.  Belgium survived after being a third place team which advanced, but they just don’t look right.

Quarterfinals

After winning an instant classic against Spain, the Czech Republic advanced after winning another instant classic as they eliminated Austria 4-3.  Wow they play exciting games.  Switzerland continued their amazing run with a somewhat dull 1-0 win over Denmark, but when you are in the quarterfinals of the European Championships, you’ll take 1-0 anytime.  After all, Greece won with a string of 1-0 games in 2004.  Could Switzerland be the next Greece?  Portugal defeated Finland 5-4 in a very entertaining game, unless you like defence.  There wasn’t much in this game.  In the last quarterfinal, all good things must come to an end, and Hungary’s Cinderella story came to a crashing halt in heartbreaking fashion 4-3 at the hands of Belgium who just keep on surviving even though they aren’t playing well.  And you would have to favor Belgium at this point wouldn’t you?

Semi-finals

Exhausted by all their thrillers, the Czech Republic were stunned by Switzerland 3-1.  OK, it wasn’t a 1-0 win, but Switzerland really might be the next Greece.  They are in the final.  In the other fixture, Portugal finally got rid of Belgium 5-2.  What Portugal failed to do on home soil in 2004, they might do on foreign soil in 2021.

The Final

Sales of Swiss watches have gone through the roof as the world gets behind the Helvetians.  And besides, does anyone actually want Portugal to win?  They were a third place team after all.  You have to hand it to them though.  They might have stumbled their way past the group stage, but Portugal hit their stride when it counted.

In a pulsating game that went back and forth, it was Cinderella Switzerland who emerged victorious with a 4-3 win after the game went into extra time.  The Cantons are rejoicing.  Switzerland is the Totally Random Euro2020 Cinderella winner.  Congratulations.

 

And now, let the real tournament begin!

 

The Totally Random NFL Playoffs

Totally Random NFL Playoffs 2019-20 Season

It is that time of year again, time for the playoffs everyone is actually interested in, the totally random NFL playoffs.  In these playoffs, merit, home field and injuries have nothing to do with the outcome.  The results here are completely random.

Sadly, the Totally Random Playoffs slipped my mind completely for wild card weekend.  I was focussed on the bushfires that are ravaging Australia.  So this year, we start from the divisional round.

Divisional Round

Kirk Cousins is the new Tom Brady as he leads his Vikings to a massacre of the rested 49ers 46-9.  What a shocking loss for the 49ers who looked so good up to now.  But this loss is nothing compared to the Ravens shock 33-14 loss to the Titans.  There goes the Super Bowl we have all been waiting for.  And the shock losses continue.  The Chiefs, with their high powered offence manages only 3 points against the Texans.  Must have been a random blizzard that hit Kansas City.

But all is not lost for home teams.  The Packers defend their frozen tundra with a 27-18 win over the gallant, but ultimately unsuccessful Seahawks.

Championship Round

The Vikings are unbeatable.  They absolutely ground the Packers into the frozen tundra 45-2 and just to be mean, I’ll say the 2 points they gave up were right at the end of the game when the Vikings backup decided to run the ball out of the end zone to kill the clock.  Why not.

In the AFC, the Home team Texans, who surely never expected a home game, fail to take advantage and the 6 seed Titans defeat the Texans 29-11.  This gives us the Super Bowl paring we all thought would happen at the beginning of the season, the Titans and the Vikings.

The Super Bowl

Both the Vikings and Titans have great defences, but neither shows up in the Super Bowl.  This is like Patriots-Eagles all over again.  The Vikings do what Bud Grant failed to do and the Vikings erase the bad memories of their 0-4 Super Bowl record with a thrilling 44-39 victory over the Titans.  Kirk Cousins is MVP and all the talking heads tell us they knew he could do this all along.

Then in a shock move worthy of WWE, Mike Zimmer, coach of the Vikings, decides to leave the Vikings and coach my Cowboys.  The Cowboys finally get a great coach.

So congratulations to the Vikings for winning the Totally Random Super Bowl, and for the Cowboys for getting Mike Zimmer as their new head coach.  This is so much better than reality isn’t it?

The NBA's Chinagate

Daryl Morey, general manager of the Houston Rockets, tweeted support for the protestors in Hong Kong.  This set off a series of retaliatory actions from China which threatened to undermine the NBA’s relationship with China.  This also jeopardized a great deal of money as the NBA is very popular in China.  Morey offended the Chinese by his tweet.  This whole episode underlines the problem we have when dealing with China.  In short, our problem when we deal with China is we are not strong enough about our values.

There is something to be said for behaving while a guest in someone’s house.  So I can understand if the NBA and its players said nothing politically while in China.  In other words, I’m willing to leave it up to the NBA to decide whether they keep silent or not.  Having said this, let’s imagine the Berlin Olympics in 1936 and let’s pretend the athletes attending knew what the Nazis were doing to the Jews (note the concentration camps were not instituted yet but persecution was definitely taking place).  Would we feel comfortable to remain silent?  I raise this only to illustrate that it is not always easy to determine whether to stand up for your beliefs, or behave as a guest in someone’s house.

Morey tweeted while in the United States.  There is something we need to make extremely clear to China.  In our house, we say what we want, when we want, and how we want.  If that offends you, shove it.  In China, you are not allowed to have your own opinion.  You must agree with the dickhead dictator running the place or else.  Their government monitors people and punishes descent.  That is what despotic dictators do and have always done.    Anyone who says anything the dictator does not like offends.  So china expects us to be careful what we say in our own country.  Not happening. 

I’m not going to argue here that freedom and democracy are better than Chinese Communism.  I’ll save that for another time.  What I will argue is this.  It is about time we stopped worrying about offending China with what we say or do in our own house.  In the USA people are allowed to have different opinions than the ruling government.  We are allowed to express those opinions without fear of punishment.  And by and large, this ideal is upheld.  That is our way of life.  It offends us when someone tells us to shut up in our own house. 

The Chinese were offended by Morey’s tweet because they are not used to our way of life and our freedom of expression.  They don’t understand that to disagree is OK.  Most of them have never lived in an environment in which that is OK.  In short, they don’t know any better.  But they need to learn.  If they choose or are forced to continue to live by the rules of their dictatorship that is a separate issue.  But they need to understand we don’t live by those rules and have no desire to.  The Chinese government reacted as they did because exposing their citizens to our way of thinking is a threat to their rule.    But in a society in which global communication is the norm, they just need to get used to it.  And if they can’t, too bad for them.

Totally Random Rugby World cup

Totally Random Rugby World Cup

Hello Rugby Union fans across the globe.  It is now time for what you have been waiting for.  Forget the real matches.  It’s time for the Totally Random Rugby World Cup.  The results are purely based on random numbers.  Merit, form, world ranking, or weather don’t matter here.

I was too lazy to do this for all of the group matches.  Now that the dross has gone home from Japan, there are only eight teams left so here we go.

Quarterfinals

The Wallabies have not exactly lit the world up with their form of late so England goes in as the favorites.  Of course, since this is completely random, that doesn’t matter.  And it doesn’t matter here.  The sleeping giant from down under erupts with a stunning 44-20 victory over England.  First Australia retains the Ashes, then they knock England out.  Those sweet chariots known as airplanes will be taking England back home early.

Poor Ireland, a team whose fans had so much hope, must face the might of the All Blacks.  Through some miracle, New Zealand is held to just 10 points as Ireland roll 34-10.  Now that really is stunning, but in the Totally Random World Cup, dreams have a 50% chance of coming true.

On Sunday Wales finally puts France out of their misery 42-16.  Les Bleus have been Les Sluggish and now mercifully, they are out and can regroup for the Six Nations.  Meanwhile Japan have had a really good run as the host nation.  Four years ago, they stunned South Africa.  Can they do it again?  No.  The home team is out in a close game 20-12.

The Semi Finals (pronounced sem-eye) of course

Can Ireland continue their Cinderella ride in the World Cup against the suddenly in form Wallabies?  No.  Australia, now fully awake wins a high scoring 41-30 affair knocking the Irish out.

In the other semi-final, Wales continues their good form bouncing South Africa 25-9.  They say what goes around comes around.  Are the 80’s coming back? 

The Final

There is a third place match and no one cares.  For the record, Ireland take 3^rd with a 38-25 victory over South Africa.

But everyone’s attention turns to the finals.  Australia has come out of nowhere whereas Wales was always considered a dark horse contender.  In the finals, Australia finish off Wales easily 32-14 in one of their most surprising World Cup wins.  So there you have it.  The Totally Random world champions are the mighty Wallabies.  Let’s hope the real matches are as entertaining and I hope someone knocks off New Zealand.  I don’t hate New Zealand at all; I just want something different.

The 2019 NRL Totally Random Finals

The 2019 NRL Totally Random Finals

Now that the NRL season has finally finished, it’s time for the completely random NRL finals.  Merit, home field, past performance, psychology have nothing to do with this analysis.  The results are based purely on random number generation with no other factors.  With that in mind, let’s go.

Round 1

In round 1 the Roosters keep on going with a high scoring 44-28 win over the Rabbitohs.  Just because the word Rabbitohs is not in my spell checker doesn’t mean they aren’t a viable premier, but in round 1, they go down to arguably the best team going.

In the random universe, top of the table Storm has a 50/50 chance of winning and in this case, they are blown away by the Raiders 24-38.  Well the Raiders did beat them in Melbourne not too long ago.

Both the Storm and the Rabbitohs live to fight another day though.  This cannot be said for the Sharks and the Broncos.  The Sharks go down to the Sea Eagles in a low scoring drop goal decided thriller 9-8.  Meanwhile the Eels squeak by the Broncos 22-20 and I’m sure controversy rages regarding a penalty that was given that should not have been.

Round 2

The horror finals continue for the Storm who go down to Manly 20-28.  Wow, the random universe is cruel.  Now Melbourne will have to focus on AFL which, somehow, I don’t think will be too difficult for them.  The Rabbitohs, now part of my Word dictionary, do take advantage of their second chance to squeak by the Eels 8-6. 

Preliminary Finals

The Raiders, freaked out by their unexpected win over the Storm, cannot handle being this close to glory.  Meanwhile the Rabbitohs, thankful to be part of a Microsoft Word dictionary and therefore having their existence acknowledged by the tech giant, move into the Grand Final with a convincing 46-14 win over the poor Raiders.

Meanwhile the beat goes on for the Roosters who will defend their premiership after a 34-0 whitewash of the Sea Eagles.  Goodbye Sea Eagles.  Somehow, I doubt people in NSW are too upset by this.

The Storm Free Grand Final

This sets up a Storm free Grand Final consisting of teams from NSW.  People did not realize this was possible and news broadcasts are full of the shock experienced by the general population as a result of this once in a life time event.  The people of that state are just glad the Storm are gone and don’t care who wins.  But I suppose more are going for the underdog Rabbitohs than the defending champions.  For those people, their wish comes true.  The Roosters, for some reason, decide not to show up as the Rabbitohs romp 48-4.  What an achievement.

And there you have it, the 2019 Totally Random champs are the Rabbitohs.  With all that said, let the real games begin and Go Storm!

2019 totally Random AFL Finals

Totally Random AFL Finals

Hello AFL fans.  It’s the time you have all been waiting for, The 2019 Totally Random AFL Finals.  This is completely random.  Merit, form, home field have nothing to do with the results.  Let the chaos begin.

The First Round

The finals begin with the Cats continuing their recent trend of dismal finals performances going down to the Magpies in a big way 140-82. 

The Eagles are vastly favored against the Bombers.  Still smarting from their shock home loss against the Hawks that knocked them out of the top four, this do or die clash should see them back to their winning ways.  But no, the Eagles will not be defending their 2018 premiership as the Bombers completely trash the Eagles 154-68.  Who could have seen that coming.

Three weeks earlier, the Bulldogs went up to Western Sydney and humiliated the Giants.  The rematch, however, does not follow that pattern.  The Giants live for another week with a grinding 83-74 win eliminating the Bulldogs who join the Eagles on the scrap heap.

The Tigers beat the Lions at the MCG in round 23.  They ride a nine game winning streak and are hot favorites against the Lions who have little finals experience.  But the Lions, who have been underestimated all year, shine with a 151-60 win over the Tigers.  My goodness what a beat down.

All three cat family teams entered the finals for the first time I think in living memory and two of the three are in trouble with only the Lions winning through to the preliminary final.

Round 2

The Cats rebound against the Bombers with a thumping 60 point win 137-77.  The Bombers did well to last this long, but they too land on the scrap pile of 2019.

Meanwhile the Giants have been inconsistent all year.  They return to the MCG to play the Tigers and the Tigers redeem themselves with a 107-43 win eliminating the Giants.

Preliminary Finals

In a high scoring thriller, the Lions win their last home game of the year 135-120 over the Cats.  We may have seen some Cats for the last time but the Lions are roaring.

Meanwhile we see a preliminary final rematch between the Magpies and the Tigers.  This time the Magpies had a week off while the Tigers had to play an extra game against the Giants.  Last year Mason Cox destroyed the Tigers but he’s not here.  No problem for the Magpies.  They nail the Tigers again 133-98.  It looks like the Magpies have the Tigers Number.

So it’s the Lions and the Magpies in the Grand Final.

The Grand Final

The Magpies are here once again after losing a close one in the dying minutes to the Eagles last year.  Will Magpies fans experience the top of the mountain for the first time in nine years, or will Lions fans taste victory for the first time in 16 years?

In a slog, the young Lions roar once more completing a 75-54 win over the Magpies who once again come oh so close to glory but fall short.

This just goes to show you that in the totally random universe, anything can happen.  Congratulations to the Brisbane Lions, the 2019 Totally Random premiers.  It’s party time both for Brisbane fans, and for the rest of us minus Magpie fans who take comfort in the misery of Magpie supporters two years in a row.  If your team can’t win, seeing Magpie fans suffer is really the next best thing.