The Totally Random NFL Playoffs

Totally Random NFL Playoffs 2019-20 Season

It is that time of year again, time for the playoffs everyone is actually interested in, the totally random NFL playoffs.  In these playoffs, merit, home field and injuries have nothing to do with the outcome.  The results here are completely random.

Sadly, the Totally Random Playoffs slipped my mind completely for wild card weekend.  I was focussed on the bushfires that are ravaging Australia.  So this year, we start from the divisional round.

Divisional Round

Kirk Cousins is the new Tom Brady as he leads his Vikings to a massacre of the rested 49ers 46-9.  What a shocking loss for the 49ers who looked so good up to now.  But this loss is nothing compared to the Ravens shock 33-14 loss to the Titans.  There goes the Super Bowl we have all been waiting for.  And the shock losses continue.  The Chiefs, with their high powered offence manages only 3 points against the Texans.  Must have been a random blizzard that hit Kansas City.

But all is not lost for home teams.  The Packers defend their frozen tundra with a 27-18 win over the gallant, but ultimately unsuccessful Seahawks.

Championship Round

The Vikings are unbeatable.  They absolutely ground the Packers into the frozen tundra 45-2 and just to be mean, I’ll say the 2 points they gave up were right at the end of the game when the Vikings backup decided to run the ball out of the end zone to kill the clock.  Why not.

In the AFC, the Home team Texans, who surely never expected a home game, fail to take advantage and the 6 seed Titans defeat the Texans 29-11.  This gives us the Super Bowl paring we all thought would happen at the beginning of the season, the Titans and the Vikings.

The Super Bowl

Both the Vikings and Titans have great defences, but neither shows up in the Super Bowl.  This is like Patriots-Eagles all over again.  The Vikings do what Bud Grant failed to do and the Vikings erase the bad memories of their 0-4 Super Bowl record with a thrilling 44-39 victory over the Titans.  Kirk Cousins is MVP and all the talking heads tell us they knew he could do this all along.

Then in a shock move worthy of WWE, Mike Zimmer, coach of the Vikings, decides to leave the Vikings and coach my Cowboys.  The Cowboys finally get a great coach.

So congratulations to the Vikings for winning the Totally Random Super Bowl, and for the Cowboys for getting Mike Zimmer as their new head coach.  This is so much better than reality isn’t it?

The NBA's Chinagate

Daryl Morey, general manager of the Houston Rockets, tweeted support for the protestors in Hong Kong.  This set off a series of retaliatory actions from China which threatened to undermine the NBA’s relationship with China.  This also jeopardized a great deal of money as the NBA is very popular in China.  Morey offended the Chinese by his tweet.  This whole episode underlines the problem we have when dealing with China.  In short, our problem when we deal with China is we are not strong enough about our values.

There is something to be said for behaving while a guest in someone’s house.  So I can understand if the NBA and its players said nothing politically while in China.  In other words, I’m willing to leave it up to the NBA to decide whether they keep silent or not.  Having said this, let’s imagine the Berlin Olympics in 1936 and let’s pretend the athletes attending knew what the Nazis were doing to the Jews (note the concentration camps were not instituted yet but persecution was definitely taking place).  Would we feel comfortable to remain silent?  I raise this only to illustrate that it is not always easy to determine whether to stand up for your beliefs, or behave as a guest in someone’s house.

Morey tweeted while in the United States.  There is something we need to make extremely clear to China.  In our house, we say what we want, when we want, and how we want.  If that offends you, shove it.  In China, you are not allowed to have your own opinion.  You must agree with the dickhead dictator running the place or else.  Their government monitors people and punishes descent.  That is what despotic dictators do and have always done.    Anyone who says anything the dictator does not like offends.  So china expects us to be careful what we say in our own country.  Not happening. 

I’m not going to argue here that freedom and democracy are better than Chinese Communism.  I’ll save that for another time.  What I will argue is this.  It is about time we stopped worrying about offending China with what we say or do in our own house.  In the USA people are allowed to have different opinions than the ruling government.  We are allowed to express those opinions without fear of punishment.  And by and large, this ideal is upheld.  That is our way of life.  It offends us when someone tells us to shut up in our own house. 

The Chinese were offended by Morey’s tweet because they are not used to our way of life and our freedom of expression.  They don’t understand that to disagree is OK.  Most of them have never lived in an environment in which that is OK.  In short, they don’t know any better.  But they need to learn.  If they choose or are forced to continue to live by the rules of their dictatorship that is a separate issue.  But they need to understand we don’t live by those rules and have no desire to.  The Chinese government reacted as they did because exposing their citizens to our way of thinking is a threat to their rule.    But in a society in which global communication is the norm, they just need to get used to it.  And if they can’t, too bad for them.

Totally Random Rugby World cup

Totally Random Rugby World Cup

Hello Rugby Union fans across the globe.  It is now time for what you have been waiting for.  Forget the real matches.  It’s time for the Totally Random Rugby World Cup.  The results are purely based on random numbers.  Merit, form, world ranking, or weather don’t matter here.

I was too lazy to do this for all of the group matches.  Now that the dross has gone home from Japan, there are only eight teams left so here we go.

Quarterfinals

The Wallabies have not exactly lit the world up with their form of late so England goes in as the favorites.  Of course, since this is completely random, that doesn’t matter.  And it doesn’t matter here.  The sleeping giant from down under erupts with a stunning 44-20 victory over England.  First Australia retains the Ashes, then they knock England out.  Those sweet chariots known as airplanes will be taking England back home early.

Poor Ireland, a team whose fans had so much hope, must face the might of the All Blacks.  Through some miracle, New Zealand is held to just 10 points as Ireland roll 34-10.  Now that really is stunning, but in the Totally Random World Cup, dreams have a 50% chance of coming true.

On Sunday Wales finally puts France out of their misery 42-16.  Les Bleus have been Les Sluggish and now mercifully, they are out and can regroup for the Six Nations.  Meanwhile Japan have had a really good run as the host nation.  Four years ago, they stunned South Africa.  Can they do it again?  No.  The home team is out in a close game 20-12.

The Semi Finals (pronounced sem-eye) of course

Can Ireland continue their Cinderella ride in the World Cup against the suddenly in form Wallabies?  No.  Australia, now fully awake wins a high scoring 41-30 affair knocking the Irish out.

In the other semi-final, Wales continues their good form bouncing South Africa 25-9.  They say what goes around comes around.  Are the 80’s coming back? 

The Final

There is a third place match and no one cares.  For the record, Ireland take 3^rd with a 38-25 victory over South Africa.

But everyone’s attention turns to the finals.  Australia has come out of nowhere whereas Wales was always considered a dark horse contender.  In the finals, Australia finish off Wales easily 32-14 in one of their most surprising World Cup wins.  So there you have it.  The Totally Random world champions are the mighty Wallabies.  Let’s hope the real matches are as entertaining and I hope someone knocks off New Zealand.  I don’t hate New Zealand at all; I just want something different.

The 2019 NRL Totally Random Finals

The 2019 NRL Totally Random Finals

Now that the NRL season has finally finished, it’s time for the completely random NRL finals.  Merit, home field, past performance, psychology have nothing to do with this analysis.  The results are based purely on random number generation with no other factors.  With that in mind, let’s go.

Round 1

In round 1 the Roosters keep on going with a high scoring 44-28 win over the Rabbitohs.  Just because the word Rabbitohs is not in my spell checker doesn’t mean they aren’t a viable premier, but in round 1, they go down to arguably the best team going.

In the random universe, top of the table Storm has a 50/50 chance of winning and in this case, they are blown away by the Raiders 24-38.  Well the Raiders did beat them in Melbourne not too long ago.

Both the Storm and the Rabbitohs live to fight another day though.  This cannot be said for the Sharks and the Broncos.  The Sharks go down to the Sea Eagles in a low scoring drop goal decided thriller 9-8.  Meanwhile the Eels squeak by the Broncos 22-20 and I’m sure controversy rages regarding a penalty that was given that should not have been.

Round 2

The horror finals continue for the Storm who go down to Manly 20-28.  Wow, the random universe is cruel.  Now Melbourne will have to focus on AFL which, somehow, I don’t think will be too difficult for them.  The Rabbitohs, now part of my Word dictionary, do take advantage of their second chance to squeak by the Eels 8-6. 

Preliminary Finals

The Raiders, freaked out by their unexpected win over the Storm, cannot handle being this close to glory.  Meanwhile the Rabbitohs, thankful to be part of a Microsoft Word dictionary and therefore having their existence acknowledged by the tech giant, move into the Grand Final with a convincing 46-14 win over the poor Raiders.

Meanwhile the beat goes on for the Roosters who will defend their premiership after a 34-0 whitewash of the Sea Eagles.  Goodbye Sea Eagles.  Somehow, I doubt people in NSW are too upset by this.

The Storm Free Grand Final

This sets up a Storm free Grand Final consisting of teams from NSW.  People did not realize this was possible and news broadcasts are full of the shock experienced by the general population as a result of this once in a life time event.  The people of that state are just glad the Storm are gone and don’t care who wins.  But I suppose more are going for the underdog Rabbitohs than the defending champions.  For those people, their wish comes true.  The Roosters, for some reason, decide not to show up as the Rabbitohs romp 48-4.  What an achievement.

And there you have it, the 2019 Totally Random champs are the Rabbitohs.  With all that said, let the real games begin and Go Storm!

2019 totally Random AFL Finals

Totally Random AFL Finals

Hello AFL fans.  It’s the time you have all been waiting for, The 2019 Totally Random AFL Finals.  This is completely random.  Merit, form, home field have nothing to do with the results.  Let the chaos begin.

The First Round

The finals begin with the Cats continuing their recent trend of dismal finals performances going down to the Magpies in a big way 140-82. 

The Eagles are vastly favored against the Bombers.  Still smarting from their shock home loss against the Hawks that knocked them out of the top four, this do or die clash should see them back to their winning ways.  But no, the Eagles will not be defending their 2018 premiership as the Bombers completely trash the Eagles 154-68.  Who could have seen that coming.

Three weeks earlier, the Bulldogs went up to Western Sydney and humiliated the Giants.  The rematch, however, does not follow that pattern.  The Giants live for another week with a grinding 83-74 win eliminating the Bulldogs who join the Eagles on the scrap heap.

The Tigers beat the Lions at the MCG in round 23.  They ride a nine game winning streak and are hot favorites against the Lions who have little finals experience.  But the Lions, who have been underestimated all year, shine with a 151-60 win over the Tigers.  My goodness what a beat down.

All three cat family teams entered the finals for the first time I think in living memory and two of the three are in trouble with only the Lions winning through to the preliminary final.

Round 2

The Cats rebound against the Bombers with a thumping 60 point win 137-77.  The Bombers did well to last this long, but they too land on the scrap pile of 2019.

Meanwhile the Giants have been inconsistent all year.  They return to the MCG to play the Tigers and the Tigers redeem themselves with a 107-43 win eliminating the Giants.

Preliminary Finals

In a high scoring thriller, the Lions win their last home game of the year 135-120 over the Cats.  We may have seen some Cats for the last time but the Lions are roaring.

Meanwhile we see a preliminary final rematch between the Magpies and the Tigers.  This time the Magpies had a week off while the Tigers had to play an extra game against the Giants.  Last year Mason Cox destroyed the Tigers but he’s not here.  No problem for the Magpies.  They nail the Tigers again 133-98.  It looks like the Magpies have the Tigers Number.

So it’s the Lions and the Magpies in the Grand Final.

The Grand Final

The Magpies are here once again after losing a close one in the dying minutes to the Eagles last year.  Will Magpies fans experience the top of the mountain for the first time in nine years, or will Lions fans taste victory for the first time in 16 years?

In a slog, the young Lions roar once more completing a 75-54 win over the Magpies who once again come oh so close to glory but fall short.

This just goes to show you that in the totally random universe, anything can happen.  Congratulations to the Brisbane Lions, the 2019 Totally Random premiers.  It’s party time both for Brisbane fans, and for the rest of us minus Magpie fans who take comfort in the misery of Magpie supporters two years in a row.  If your team can’t win, seeing Magpie fans suffer is really the next best thing.

2018 Totally Random NFL Playoffs

Totally Random NFL Playoffs

At last the NFL season is over. 17 weeks of hard hitting football comes to an end leaving 12 teams in what is commonly known of as “the tournament.” Experts and fans will analyze this week’s Wild Card Weekend to death in order to project winners and margins of victory.  But here, it is the Totally Random NFL Playoffs.  Nothing is considered.  Home field means nothing.  Offensive and Defensive statistics mean nothing.  Even the fact that I am a diehard Cowboys fan means nothing.  The results are completely random.  So who wins the Super Bowl with this criteria?  Let’s find out.

Wild Card Weekend

We begin with the Indianapolis Colts going against the Houston Texans.  In the real world, the Colts might be the hottest team going and this transfers into our random tournament as they defeat the Texans in a low scoring game in which both offenses struggle.  Final random score is 17-8 Colts.

Next we have the game I’ve been waiting for.  The Seahawks against the Cowboys.  In the regular season the Hawks nailed the Cowboys 24-13 back before we got Cooper and could barely score.  Unfortunately for me, in this random world, the Cowboys offense which has been inconsistent all year, manages a whopping 3 points while the Seahawks score 26.  Well that was a disappointment.  Cowboys out in the random tournament.

We next have a rematch between the Chargers and the Ravens.  In the first contest the Ravens went to LA and beat the Chargers 22-10 in a pretty close game.  Here, it’s not even close.  The Chargers smash the Ravens 47-3.  Wow what a blowout.

You would think the Eagles and the Bears would be low scoring, but now that the Eagles have a QB they like, anything can happen.  And it does here.  The bears finally have a good team and they win in a shootout 47-24.  The miracle Eagles are finally gone and as a Cowboys fan, I’m happy about that.  I’m still bitter over the hated Eagles winning last year’s Super Bowl.

Divisional Round

With Wild Card Weekend out of the way we get to the heart of the playoffs.  As the 6^th place team the Colts get to travel to the Chiefs.  No problem.  Maybe there was a blizzard as happened in the 1995 season when the 15-1 Chiefs lost 10-7 against the Colts and were out.  This time the Colts win easily 20-3. 

The Seahawks, feeling good about themselves after beating America’s team find out why the Saints are hard to be in that dome of theirs.  It’s not even close as the Saints roll 41-5. 

New England always does well in the playoffs.  They are coming off a bye, but the Chargers are the team nobody wants to play.  In another snow storm the Chargers blank the Patriots 14-0.  Will this be the end of the dynasty?  All the Patriots’ weaknesses are exposed as the Chargers roll on to the AFC Championship game against the hot Colts.

Meanwhile in the NFC the Saints are joined in the NFC Championship round by the Rams who defeat the Bears in a low scoring thriller 16-13.  What a game.

Championship Weekend

So we have the Colts and the Chargers in the AFC, the 6^th and 5^th teams.  This is why the Random playoffs are so great.  But in the NFC it’s all chalk.  It’s the first and second place teams going at it.

The Chargers don’t really have a home field advantage and this shows as the amazing Colts roll on 4r1-17.  That offensive line of theirs is great and the Chargers just cannot stop Andrew Luck.

Meanwhile in an instant classic, the LA Rams upset the Saints in New Orleans 29-24.  This game goes back and forth but in the end, the Rams somehow manage to do what everyone said could not be done.

So we have a Colts vs. Rams Super Bowl.

Super Bowl LIII

Can’t we just use real numbers instead of this Roman garbage?  Anyway, this is a Super Bowl no one really saw coming.  Could the Colts ride this hot streak to win the big one or will the Rams, who started off as everyone’s  darlings, finish as well as they started?

The Colts have played big games coming into the playoffs, and then lots of road wins to get to the Super Bowl.  All that takes a toll and they finally run out of gas.  The Rams win easily 34-8.

So Congratulations to the LA Rams, this year’s Totally Random Super Bowl winners.

The 2018 Totally Random National Rugby League Finals

Hello again.  It’s that time.  The time some of Australia has been waiting for.  It’s time for the Totally Random NRL finals.  Weather, skill, merit, form or home field play no part here.  Results are completely random.  Well, almost.  Because Rugby League scores mostly consist of even numbers, the algorithm takes that into account when generating a random Rugby League score.  And with that, let the random games begin.

First Round

The fun begins when the Storm take out the South Sydney Rabbitohs.  The Rabbitohs have never beaten the Storm in Melbourne.  Will their luck change in the Random Finals?  But first, what exactly is a rabbitoh anyway?  This team is often referred to as “the bunnies” but actually, a rabbitoh is not a rabbit.  It refers to a person who sells rabbits for food.  We probably don’t actually have those anymore, but that is what they were back in the day.  The Storm have had trouble scoring of late which is a worry in the real world.  In the random world, however, not a problem as the Storm lay the Smack Down on Souths 44-16.  Where did that explosion of points come from?

In the next match the Panthers haven’t had the best form either but they managed to finish in the eight.  The Warriors have 1/10 of New Zealand buzzing and why not as the Warriors knock off the Panthers 32-0.  Wow what a blowout.

And then we get to the Sharks, the team I like the least.  They go up against the minor premiers the Roosters.  The Sharks violated the salary cap so don’t deserve to do well in either the real world or the random one.  My team, the Storm, would never violate the salary cap and the Sharks’ actions are a blight against teams with integrity like the Storm and all the others.  In a scoring marathon, the Roosters survive 48-42. 

The in form Broncos take on the Dragons.  The Broncos look dangerous in the real world but unfortunately for them, this is all random and they bow out of 2018 with a 36-30 loss to the Dragons.

Round 2

In Round 2, the Dragons continue their impressive random tournament smashing the Rabbitohs 40-10.  The Rabbitohs had the double chance and blew both of them.  Will the Dragons do what the Queensland Cowboys did last year and storm into the Grand Final?  We’ll see, but they are in the Preliminary Final this year.

Meanwhile the cheating Sharks just keep on winning, smashing the hopes and dreams of 1/10 of New Zealand 42-22.  Wow these scores are high.  It was that way in the random AFL finals to.  What’s with my algorithm?

The Preliminary Final

A well rested Storm take on their nemesis the Sharks.  I can still feel the pain of the Sharks’ two point Grand Final win against the storm two years ago.  But oh yeah, they were cheating at the time.  I wonder if the NRL will vacate that Grand Final.  Probably not because the Sharks are a NSW team and not a Melbourne one.  In a good hard fought contest indicative of what happens when these two teams play one another, the Storm scores a late try to win 28-22.  Well OK I made that last bit up.  The random score generator says nothing about how or when the points were scored.  The defending premiers are set to defend again.

The Dragons, the Cinderella team of these random finals lay 32 on the top team Roosters.  But unfortunately, the random score generator loves the Roosters and gives them 46 points.  Nice try Dragons but you’ll have to look to next year.

The Grand Final

Isn’t it ironic that with totally random score generation, the top two teams face off in the Grand Final.  Amazing.  The Roosters have a big home field advantage over the team all of New South Wales hates, the might Melbourne Storm.  The two teams finished the season with equal points.  The Roosters got top spot on point differential.  They deserved their spot at the top.  But the minor premiership is the biggest who cares award in Australian sports.  It’s the real thing everyone wants.

In this totally random Grand Final, it is the defending premiers who shine with a comfortable and dominating 32-14 win over the Roosters.  There will be no crowing this year.  The Storm will probably lose two of the greatest players of all time to retirement, so it is fitting they go out on top.  And they do.  Congratulations Melbourne Storm, you are the 2018 Totally Random NRL champions.

NOTE:  The AFL totally random tournament picked my team the Tigers to win.  The NRL random tournament picks my team the Storm to win.  Is there any doctoring going on I hear all Australia ask?  The answer is no.  It really is completely random.  But let’s hope that in both cases, randomness reflects reality.