The 2018 Totally Random National Rugby League Finals

Hello again.  It’s that time.  The time some of Australia has been waiting for.  It’s time for the Totally Random NRL finals.  Weather, skill, merit, form or home field play no part here.  Results are completely random.  Well, almost.  Because Rugby League scores mostly consist of even numbers, the algorithm takes that into account when generating a random Rugby League score.  And with that, let the random games begin.

First Round

The fun begins when the Storm take out the South Sydney Rabbitohs.  The Rabbitohs have never beaten the Storm in Melbourne.  Will their luck change in the Random Finals?  But first, what exactly is a rabbitoh anyway?  This team is often referred to as “the bunnies” but actually, a rabbitoh is not a rabbit.  It refers to a person who sells rabbits for food.  We probably don’t actually have those anymore, but that is what they were back in the day.  The Storm have had trouble scoring of late which is a worry in the real world.  In the random world, however, not a problem as the Storm lay the Smack Down on Souths 44-16.  Where did that explosion of points come from?

In the next match the Panthers haven’t had the best form either but they managed to finish in the eight.  The Warriors have 1/10 of New Zealand buzzing and why not as the Warriors knock off the Panthers 32-0.  Wow what a blowout.

And then we get to the Sharks, the team I like the least.  They go up against the minor premiers the Roosters.  The Sharks violated the salary cap so don’t deserve to do well in either the real world or the random one.  My team, the Storm, would never violate the salary cap and the Sharks’ actions are a blight against teams with integrity like the Storm and all the others.  In a scoring marathon, the Roosters survive 48-42. 

The in form Broncos take on the Dragons.  The Broncos look dangerous in the real world but unfortunately for them, this is all random and they bow out of 2018 with a 36-30 loss to the Dragons.

Round 2

In Round 2, the Dragons continue their impressive random tournament smashing the Rabbitohs 40-10.  The Rabbitohs had the double chance and blew both of them.  Will the Dragons do what the Queensland Cowboys did last year and storm into the Grand Final?  We’ll see, but they are in the Preliminary Final this year.

Meanwhile the cheating Sharks just keep on winning, smashing the hopes and dreams of 1/10 of New Zealand 42-22.  Wow these scores are high.  It was that way in the random AFL finals to.  What’s with my algorithm?

The Preliminary Final

A well rested Storm take on their nemesis the Sharks.  I can still feel the pain of the Sharks’ two point Grand Final win against the storm two years ago.  But oh yeah, they were cheating at the time.  I wonder if the NRL will vacate that Grand Final.  Probably not because the Sharks are a NSW team and not a Melbourne one.  In a good hard fought contest indicative of what happens when these two teams play one another, the Storm scores a late try to win 28-22.  Well OK I made that last bit up.  The random score generator says nothing about how or when the points were scored.  The defending premiers are set to defend again.

The Dragons, the Cinderella team of these random finals lay 32 on the top team Roosters.  But unfortunately, the random score generator loves the Roosters and gives them 46 points.  Nice try Dragons but you’ll have to look to next year.

The Grand Final

Isn’t it ironic that with totally random score generation, the top two teams face off in the Grand Final.  Amazing.  The Roosters have a big home field advantage over the team all of New South Wales hates, the might Melbourne Storm.  The two teams finished the season with equal points.  The Roosters got top spot on point differential.  They deserved their spot at the top.  But the minor premiership is the biggest who cares award in Australian sports.  It’s the real thing everyone wants.

In this totally random Grand Final, it is the defending premiers who shine with a comfortable and dominating 32-14 win over the Roosters.  There will be no crowing this year.  The Storm will probably lose two of the greatest players of all time to retirement, so it is fitting they go out on top.  And they do.  Congratulations Melbourne Storm, you are the 2018 Totally Random NRL champions.

NOTE:  The AFL totally random tournament picked my team the Tigers to win.  The NRL random tournament picks my team the Storm to win.  Is there any doctoring going on I hear all Australia ask?  The answer is no.  It really is completely random.  But let’s hope that in both cases, randomness reflects reality.

The 2018 Totally Random AFL Finals

Last year my Tigers won the whole thing in the real world, but in the Totally Random 2017 AFL finals, they were blown away twice to tumble out.  What will happen this year?  Yes Australia it’s time.  It is time for the 2018 Totally Random AFL finals.  The results are completely random.  Form, schedule, and venue play no part in the predictions.  This is completely random, and the tournament is played only once.  This means the winner has truly fought through all the randomness to emerge as the Random Grand Final winner.

Round 1

In round 1 top qualifier Richmond play fourth place Hawthorn for the first time in a final in AFL history.  This is truly amazing given the success of both clubs.  Having said that, their success only kind of overlapped in the 1970’s so perhaps this isn’t surprising.  In a brutal defensive struggle on what I’ll say is a cold, wet, and windy Thursday night, the Tigers pay for their cruise control attitude going into the finals and fall 57-40 to the in form Hawks.  Tigers fans are bitterly disappointed while Hawks fans believe yet another premiership is theirs for the taking.

In what can only be described as an instant classic, the Demons, who appear in the finals for the first time in 12 years, defeat the Cats by 31 points in one of the highest scoring games in AFL finals history 164-133.  Wow that was breathtaking. 

On Saturday afternoon the Giants play the Swans.  The Giants limped into the finals and fell from the top four with two bad losses to end the season.  But if they have to play a road final, it might as well be against Sydney.  The Giants are getting people back from injury but so are the Swans.  The two teams are jealous of Melbourne and Geelong and want to show the world they can score just as much.  And in this case, the Swans prevail by 31 points as well 165-134.  Yes folks, this is completely random.  There is no way this game even comes close to this score in the real world.

Magpie fans wanted Buckley gone last year.  Now they think he is a hero as a truly injury ravaged Collingwood places third on the ladder.  This is really an amazing accomplishment for the club.  Their reward, however, is a trip to Perth where they play the up and down Eagles.  On this Saturday night, the Eagles are flying high with a 96-56 victory over the Magpies.

Round 2

Round 2 sees Collingwood and Richmond licking their wounds.  They get their double chance as a reward for finishing in the top four.  Will they be able to take advantage of it?  Melbourne have a lot of self belief as they face last year’s premiers the Tigers.  They have been on fire lately and they shatter the Richmond defence for 128 points.  Unfortunately for the Demons, their defence is even worse than Richmond’s as the reigning premiers  fight off a strong Melbourne side 157-128.  Wow, even for the Random tournament, these scores are the highest they have ever been.  Melbourne has gone the longest without a premiership and the wait continues as Richmond, shocked awake by their loss to the Hawks a week earlier, roar once more.

The Magpies also bounce back with an easy 53 point win over Sydney 106-53.  Sydney have been kind of playing above themselves in the latter half of the year but they are at last put out of their misery.  The final four will therefore feature the top 4 just as it did in last year’s real finals.

The Preliminary Finals

The Eagles have had a week’s rest and are at home where they play a Tigers team whose only interstate win was against the pathetic Gold Coast Suns.  The Eagles smashed the Tigers earlier in the season.  Thus Eagles fans can be forgiven for being pretty confident.  But this Richmond side is resilient as they send the home crowd packing with tears in their eyes 119-44.  I doubt anyone saw that 75 point win coming.  The Tigers are back baby!

Meanwhile in Melbourne the Hawks and Magpies play in front of a huge crowd.  Collingwood fans can feel it.  Hawthorn fans can feel it too.  Both sets of fans feel theirs is the team of destiny.  No one thought they had a chance this year and here they are playing for a spot in the Grand Final.  And on this night, it is the Hawks who emerge victorious in another high scoring marathon 168-114.  So we have two blowout preliminary finals.

Grand Final

So here we are again.  The Tigers and Hawks started the finals series and it is the Tigers and the Hawks playing off in the Grand Final.  The media praise the Hawks defensive abilities.  After all, they shut the Tigers down the first time.  Clarkson is a genius.  The Tigers beat the Hawks during the regular season.  The Hawks beat the Tigers in the Totally Random first round.  So which performance is stronger, the real one, or the random one?

This Grand Final is not even close.  From the opening siren the awesome force known as the Richmond Tigers destroy any open the Hawks might have had.  This Grand Final is a 110 point blowout in favor of the Richmond Tigers, this year’s Totally Random Premiers!

It is amazing over the years how often the Totally Random tournament has actually picked the favorite.  Why should this year be any different.  Last year the Tigers one the real thing.  This year they win the Totally Random finals.  Will they go back to back in the real world?  This finals series features some really compelling games.

Go Tigers!!!

 

Totally Random 2018 World Cup

Well it’s 2018 and you know what that means.  It is the Totally Random World Cup.  No merit, form, or statistical analysis is taken into consideration.  This is completely random.  There is one official tournament and this time, we have a champion worthy of total randomness.

The Group Stages

Since there are so many games, I won’t detail them here.  I’ll list the group winners and second place finishers, and perhaps note some highlight games.

Group	First Place	Second Place
A	Uruguay	Egypt
B	Morocco	Iran
C	Denmark	France
D	Nigeria	Argentina
E	Switzerland	Serbia
F	Germany	Mexico
G	Panama	England
H	Poland	Japan

The host nation got off with a horror start going down 3-1 against Saudi Arabia.  Things went from bad to worse for them.  While the Russians were not pleased, Brazil was revoltingly bad and a coup resulted.  Who knows what the new government will be like.  Group B is what randomness is all about.  Who would have thought Morocco and Iran would get in over Spain and Portugal.  Group F, however, went the way the real tournament will probably go.  Group C might also be realistic.  Belgium, however, was extremely disappointing.

The Round of 16

Uruguay advanced to the quarterfinals with an easy 5-0 win over Iran.  Iran doesn’t care though.  They made the World Cup.  The USA did not.  Anything after that is just a bonus.  Denmark had high hopes after making it out of the group stage, but they received a reality check going down 4-0 to Argentina.  Mexico defeated Switzerland 4-1 while Japan took advantage of an easy opponent with a 4-2 win.  So far the round of 16 games haven’t been that exciting.  That changed though when Morocco, continuing their stunning performance as they topped Group B, had a dramatic 4-3 win over surprising Egypt 4-3.  What a thriller!  France scraped by against Nigeria 1-0 and the French felt more relief than anything else.  Once again the Super Eagles disappoint.  Germany had a clinical 2-0 win over Serbia.  England played Poland in the final Round of 16 game.  Do you even need to know what happened?  It was Poland taking out England 3-2 in extra time.  In this case, England advances as far in the random tournament, as they probably will in the real thing.

Quarterfinals

So far we have some shocking teams in the quarterfinals.  Will Cinderella stay at the ball or will she be thrown out?  Uruguay played Argentina in a match which had all of South America interested.  In a spiteful match which saw four red cards and countless yellow ones, it was Argentina who emerged victorious 1-0.  They were forced, however, to contest the semi-finals without two of their starting players due to the red cards.  Mexico got a gift draw in the quarters and although Japan did manage to score 2 goals,  they were never in it going down 5-2 to the Mexicans.  Morocco was the true Cinderella story in this tournament and Cinderella got to stay at the ball when Morocco stunned France 3-2.  Both sides spoke the same language so all insults were understood by everyone except the referee.  But there was no denying that Morocco is on a random roll.  After Poland defeated England, they were expected to relax and allow Germany an easy passage into the semi-finals.  But Poland had other ideas.  They stunned the Germans 2-0 leaving Argentina as the only real brand name team in the semi-finals.

The Semi finals

Argentina and Mexico was the most anticipated match as the world lamented the fact no one really cares about neither Morocco or Poland, except for Morocco and Poland of course.  Spain threatened to blockade Morocco if they had the audacity to advance into the finals.  Spain put this down to economic concerns but everyone knew they were just jealous of Morocco’s success so far.

Argentina played with two starters out after they were sent off against Uruguay.  And it showed.  The high flying Mexicans were unstoppable as they shocked the world with a 5-3 win to advance into the finals.

And the Spanish blockade is on as Morocco advanced with what turned out to be an exciting 3-2 win over a gallant Poland.  And so, we have Mexico playing Morocco in the Totally Random World Cup.

The 3^rd Place Game

Who cares?  Only FIFA cares.  Even the players for Poland and Argentina could care less.  In front of 23 people, Argentina waited until extra time before scoring the only goal of the match.  Argentina wins 3^rd with a very boring 1-0 win.  Fortunately, only the 23 people in the stadium, and the 67 other people who actually watched the match on TV sat through it.

The Final

The final, however, is always the most watched TV program on earth.  It makes the Super Bowl audience numbers look like a country under 18 football match.  Both teams represented themselves as Cinderella.  Could Mexico finally achieve football happiness after all their abject failures?  Would Morocco continue to stun the world?  Yes they would!  After conceding the first goal, Morocco showed the attacking style and skill that got them to the finals, scoring 3 second half goals to sail into history. 

Morocco are the 2018 World Cup champions.  Donald Trump has promised to help Morocco lift the Spanish blockade as soon as he finds out where Morocco is on the map.  Meantime, the Moroccan people are partying in the streets caring little about the war ships at their border.  Come on Spain, you won the real thing in 2010.  Be gracious and grateful for that, and also for the fact Portugal didn’t get out of the group stages either.

The 2018 totally Random NFL Playoffs

The 2018 Totally Random NFL Playoffs

It’s that time of year again.  It’s time for the Totally Random NFL predictions.  This is exactly what the name implies.  It is completely random.  No other factors are used to determine the winners.  The tournament is run once and the results are final.  So here we go.

Wild Card Weekend

AFC

This year is the year of the upset.  The titans go into Kansas city and blow the Chiefs away 44-26.  Have the Titans scored 44 points all season?  Of course they have, but it seems like they haven’t.  But they do in this random game and put Chiefs fans out of their misery.  Meanwhile Jacksonville is glad to make the playoffs while the bills don’t know what to do since they haven’t been in The Tournament since 1999.  But nobody circles the wagons like the buffalo Bills and circle they do as they eliminate the favored Jaguars 20-16.

NFC

Last year’s real NFC champions Atlanta Falcons find out that a year is a long time in football as they get blown back to the Stone Age 42-10 in LA.  Even though there are probably more Falcons fans in the stands, the Rams prove they are no fluke.  Meanwhile down in New Orleans, the up and down Panthers are up and, third time lucky, they defeat the Saints 20-14.  New Orleans got an unexpectedly good year this year, but it’s all over in wild Card Weekend.

Divisional Round

AFC

After shocking America and most particularly, their own fans, the titans continue their offensive explosion against the Steelers as they shock America once more with a 36-33 upset win in Pittsburgh.  Meanwhile reports of the death of the Patriots are very much exaggerated.  The Patriots scored 37 points against the Bills the last time the played them and they do it again as they cruise to a 37-21 romp.  During the 4^th quarter, the New England fans chant Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy but Jimmy isn’t there anymore.  Still, a win is a win.

NFC

Toward the end of the season, the Eagles celebrated if they made a first down while touchdowns remained a distant dream.  So it came as a shock to the confident Panthers when Philadelphia’s inept offense put 46 on the Carolina D.  Carolina couldn’t keep up, managing only 23 of their own points.  The Rams look like the NFC’s class act as they shred Minnesota’s awesome defence 36-17.  Vikings fans suddenly remember their QB is a backup, and not Tom Brady II. 

Championship Round

It looks like another Patriots Super Bowl but in the totally Random world, anything can happen.  The Titans are on an amazing roll and the amazing roll continues as the suddenly explosive offense smashes the Patriots with a 35-22 upset win.  Reports of the death of the Patriots are true.  This might be the end of the dynasty.  The Titans are in the Super Bowl.

And the titans face the Eagles as the Eagles prove why they are the number one seed with a 31-19 win over the disappointing Rams.  Maybe the Eagles were sand bagging toward the end of the season.  I mean, scoring no points against the Cowboys now appears to be an acting job.

The Big Dance

So we have the Titans and the Eagles in the big one.  Neither has won it before.  And now, Philadelphia has someone other than Rocky Balboa to celebrate.  They have the 2018 totally Random Super Bowl Championship they have craved for so long.  Eagles over titans 30-5.  Vegas goes broke because of the Titans safety because whether there is a safety or not is one of the most bet Super Bowl prop bets.  Eagles cruise.

As a Cowboys fan, I can’t quite bring myself to congratulate the Eagles.  I will only say I’m glad this is only the Totally Random playoffs.