Questions about the NFL Answered

Living outside the USA as I do, a number of people have asked me questions about the NFL which baffle them.  As a public service, I offer the following answers.

Q.

Why are there so many breaks during each game leading to sooooo many commercials?

A.

So we can get more beer from the refrigerator without missing any action.  Or, if we happen to be watching the game at a bar, we can get more beers from the counter without missing any action.

Q.

Why are there two different teams, one on offense and one on defence?

A.

Actually there are three teams.  The third is comprised of suicidal maniacs who fear no danger and so are ideal for covering kickoffs and punts.  It takes a special person to want to do this so these are called Special Teams.  Meanwhile offensive players are highly motivated people who are goal oriented and who are willing to put themselves in the direct path of danger in order to help their teammates achieve success.  Meanwhile defensive players are psychopaths who enjoy smashing people to pieces and who cannot stand for anyone to achieve any goals of any kind.  How many people do you know who have both sets of traits?  I didn’t think so.  For the record, I always dreamed of being a linebacker.  A linebacker is a defensive player.

Q.

It seems all your special and memorable plays have religious names.  I’ve heard of the Immaculate Reception, the Hail Mary, the Holy Roller and the Music City Miracle, not to mention the Miracle in the Meadowlands.  What’s with that?

A.

NFL games are our main religion.  Actually, for many Americans, NFL games are an extension of church.  If you live on the East Coast, where NFL games start in the afternoon, you go to church in the morning, then watch NFL games in the afternoon.  If you live on the West Coast, you watch NFL games starting at 10:00 then go to church in the early evening.  You finish your Sunday by watching the Sunday Night game which you DVRed while you were at church.  It’s all just one religious ceremony.  If you are a Patriots fan, you give Thanksgiving to God every week you have Brady and Belichick on your side.  If you are a Cleveland Browns fan, you pray for a miracle, just one.  You are willing to sacrifice just about anything to achieve this.  If you are a Colts fan you ask God what you did wrong.  If you are a Cowboys fan, you know you follow God’s team, and you contemplate the mysterious ways of God in allowing the Cowboys to be pretty much irrelevant for the last 20 years and you begin to explore the nature of karma.  Everyone else is somewhere in between these extremes.  So not only do NFL games provide entertainment, they provide a meaningful spiritual experience to millions of Americans.

Q.

I’ve heard Bill Belichick is the devil incarnate.  Is that true?

A.

It’s all a matter of perspective.  If you are a Colts fan a Ravens fan, or a fan of an AFC East team, the answer is yes.  If you follow any other team, you think he probably isn’t, but you are not 100% sure.

Of course, back in the 90’s, Jimmy Johnson of the Cowboys was the devil incarnate to many.  But then he coached Miami and everyone then realized he was but a mortal man. 

Q.

Why do so many quarterbacks scream out Kill Kill Kill! All the time?  Is this what American children should be exposed to?

A.

Absolutely.  If I were a young boy I would want my quarterback to yell that out.  It shows he is manly, and unafraid.  It also shows he has figured out what the defence is up to and is doing something about it.  We Americans get worried if our quarterbacks don’t yell out stuff like that.

Q.

What is a blitz?

A.

A blitz is different things for different people.  For many, it is when a defence sends extra people after the quarterback hoping to sack him or apply enough pressure on him to thwart his passes.  For Rob Ryan, the defensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints, it is a defensive tactic which provides the opposing team a golden opportunity to score a touchdown. 

Q.

What is the Prevent Defence?

A.

The Prevent Defence is one of the great mysteries which Americans have not solved.  I believe a congressional investigation is being lodged to look into it.  The Prevent defence prevents your team from holding a lead at the end of the game and thereby prevents you from actually winning the game.  Why it continues to be used is the big mystery.  It’s right up there with who really killed JFK and why in God’s name do people actually care what happens to the Kardashians.

Q.

Which team logo do Americans consider the coolest?

A.

I believe it is the skull and crossbones of the Raiders.  This says a great deal for the American people doesn’t it?

Q.

Why do you Americans revel in such a violent game?

A.

We are a violent nation.  We came into existence by fighting a revolutionary war.  We then fought a rematch with England in 1812, fought numerous wars against Native Americans, and then decided we wanted to fight Mexico too.  In fact, when we were bored, we fought ourselves, and then went back to more wars against Native Americans.  We were in both world wars, Korea, Vietnam and well, you get the picture.  Looks like we’re going to stay in Afghanistan too.  The NFL suits our nature.

Q.

Why do you sing the National Anthem before every single game?

A.

Because we Americans know our professional football teams are the best in the world at this game and we’re proud that the top 32 professional football teams in the world are all from the United States.  How many other countries do you know who can say the top 32 teams in the world, in any sporting code belong to their country?

The Completely Random Rugby World Cup

The Rugby World Cup has reached the business end.  All of the pool games have been played and all of the minnows have been weeded out.  Now it’s time for the knock-out phase so let the Completely Random Rugby World Cup Knockout Tournament begin.  The scores are based purely on random number generation.  The actual quality of the teams and the form they are in plays no part.  The biggest shock is that England did not qualify for the quarterfinals even though they are the host nation.  No doubt there is much weeping and gnashing of teeth happening as a result. 

Before I begin, for those of you not familiar with rugby there are two types.  One is Rugby Union, which is by far the more international of the two codes and is the variety played for the World Cup, well, the world cup that really matters anyway.  The other variety is called Rugby League.  The two codes have some similarities but actually, they are quite different.  The difference was once explained to me this way.  Rugby Union is a barbarian’s game played by gentlemen while Rugby league is a barbarian’s game played by barbarians.  As for more detailed differences, you can look them up.  For my American readers, though, American football inherited the concept of downs from Rugby League, but otherwise, it is closer to Rugby Union.

The Quarterfinals

South Africa suffered perhaps the most shocking loss I have ever seen in sports for their opening pool match.  I’m not sure it is the most shocking, but it is up there in my book.  Lowly Japan stunned South Africa.  This would be like a roster comprised of NFL players put on waivers defeating the Patriots during a must win game for the Patriots.  It was almost inconceivable.  In fact, I didn’t even bother to record this game because I was sure this would be a blowout.  But South Africa recovered to top their pool and qualify.  They play Wales and South Africa’s recovery continues with a solid 20-10 victory over the Welsh.  Wales is possibly the best Northern Hemisphere team at the moment, but they cannot compete against the super powers from below the Equator.

Now we get to New Zealand v France.  New Zealand hates to play France.  Yes, New Zealand won the last World Cup by defeating France, but it was a one point game in which they just hung on.  France has a way of stunning New Zealand and this time is no exception with a shocking 22-5 win over the favourites.  Bye-bye New Zealand!

Ireland holds off Argentina 28-20 while Scotland plays the game of its life and takes out the green and gold of Australia.  As a result, the Australian Prime Minister forbids the series Outlander from ever being broadcast in Australia as retaliation for this shocker.  So after one round, 2/3 of the Southern Hemisphere stops caring about the Rugby World Cup while Scotland and Ireland mercilessly taunts England.

The Semi-finals

After losing to Japan in their opening pool match, South Africa is on a roll.  But the frogs take out the lone surviving Southern Hemisphere team 37-29.  The French make yet another World Cup final.  Meanwhile, Scotland and Ireland fight it out to see who will join France.  The United Kingdom nearly stops being united.  But in the end, the luck of the Irish, plus some skill, holds firm as Ireland defeats Scotland by the exact same score of 39-27.  Ah, random numbers are great aren’t they?

Shortly after the semi-finals, New Zealand declares war on France because there is only so much suffering they can endure at the hands of the French.  Anyone who follows Rugby Union can understand this given the history between the two teams.  It’s New Zealand’s wine and cheese which attack’s France and now the world must decide.  And you know, that decision is not as easy as one might think.  In the end, though, the French won the game and the UN breaks up the war before New Zealand’s virtually nonexistent war fleet can reach the Atlantic. 

The Big One

So now it is France V Ireland for the glory.  Last time around, France was supposed to be blown away by New Zealand in the final.  New Zealand were playing at home as the host nation.  France fought bravely and went down kicking and screaming by a point.  The French have been waiting for four years to have another chance.  This time Les Bleus takes out Irish green 44-23.  Congratulations France, you are the winners of the 2015 Completely Random Rugby World Cup.

My real world prediction is Australia.  They have played very good rugby thus far and although I think New Zealand is favoured, I think Australia has what it takes to win it this time around.  Australia also has good wine and cheese, though personally, I think the French are better at both.  But Australia can hold its own and then some in that department.  That’s the thing about Rugby Union.  Only nations with good wine and cheese are allowed to win the World Cup.  I know England won it once and they have poor wine and so-so cheese at best, but they buy a lot of the good stuff from France, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa so that’s probably why that anomaly occurred.  That’s my theory anyway.  

The Completely Random Baseball Playoffs

It’s October which means the opening of the NHL season.  Oh yes, and it also means Major League Baseball puts on its annual postseason show.  Now that the two wild card play-in games are done, - and thank you Astros for putting an end to the Yankees season – it is time for the Completely Random baseball postseason tournament.

By completely random, I mean just that.  Merit, home field, injuries and other circumstances are meaningless here.  This is purely based on random number generation.  Before I go on I should say that the last random tournament was for the Australian Rules Football League finals and I am happy to report that the Completely Random AFL finals was a complete bomb.  In that glorious tournament, my Tigers defeated the longsuffering Western Bulldogs in the Grand Final to capture their first premiership since 1980.  In the real finals, my Tigers were bounced in the first round making it three years in a row of one and done in the finals.  Very depressing.  Meanwhile Bulldogs fans continue to suffer even longer as they too were ousted in the first round.  Keep this spectacularly wrong prediction in mind as we summarize what happened in the completely random MLB tournament.

The Divisional Series

There are four series which are a best of 5.  In the American League, The Rangers defeated the Blue Jays in 5, 3 games to 2.  Toronto fans were hopeful for game 5 because it was at home.  But the Blue Jays decided to emulate the Maple Leafs and disappoint their fans.  Despite the good karma the Astros gained by ending the Yankees season, it wasn’t enough as the Royals took them down 3 games to 1.

Meanwhile in the National League we have one of the most compelling rivalry series we have had in years.  The Cubs, who continue to redefine what it means to be longsuffering each year, face off against the Cardinals, who have become the evil empire of our time unless you are a Cardinals fan of course.  This series lived up to everything we could have wanted and all America rejoiced as the Cubs took down the empire in 5, capping off this great series with a 2-1 win in game 5 which was held in St. Louis.

Meanwhile the Mets have high hopes this year because their division win was unexpected.  The Dodgers have disappointed in previous years but not this time.  This series was a clean sweep by the Dodgers sending Mets fans back to the drawing board.

The League Championship Series

Kansas City had the best record in the American League while the Rangers had to fight tooth and nail just to make it.  They must have been exhausted because the Royals, who came so close to winning it all last year, brought out the brooms and took down the Rangers in 4. 

By now, all of America except for Los Angeles, is cheering for the Cubs.  The Dodgers, however, won the first three games.  It was all over.  But then the Cubs won game 4.  Then they won game 5.  Then they won a dramatic game 6 at home.  Could they do what the 2004 Red Sox did, coming back from 3-0 down against the Yankees to advance to the World Series?  Sadly no and the frustration continues for the poor cubs as they go down in game 7.  Dodger fans are ecstatic but a little sad too because I think deep down, everyone wants to Cubs to finally win one.  Dodgers advance in 7.

The World Series

Now America watches more football, but some pay attention to the World Series.  These are mostly in Missouri and Los Angeles.  People in San Francisco are also paying attention partly because the 49ers suck and are unwatchable, but mostly because they hate the Dodgers and cannot bear the thought of them being the champions.  Dodger fans have had to endure a great era by the Giants so they want nothing more than to get some payback for all the pain and suffering they endured watching the Giants celebrate title after title.  Meanwhile Royals fans have suffered for a long time and many fans only experience the Royals brief glory years in highlight videos.  Last year they knocked on the door.  Can they kick it in this time? 

The Royals don’t kick the door in.  They blast it apart with heavy machinegun fire as they blow the Dodgers away in 4.  They don’t just sweep, they blow them out in each and every game.  The Dodgers got some seriously bad karma by ripping the heart out of America when they defeated the Cubs after hopes were raised to fever pitch. 

So there you have it.  The Kansas City Royals are the 2015 Completely Random World Series champions.  As for Chicago Cubs fans, not only do they have to put up with this disappointment, their Bears suck and the Bulls are a soap opera.  Poor Chicago.  But wait a minute!  They have the Blackhawks who are the reigning NHL champions.  OK, I don’t feel so bad for them anymore.  Embrace Hockey Chicago!   Meanwhile all of America congratulates the Royals, acknowledges them, and then gets back to watching the NFL.  Royals fans are ecstatic.  They finally have a championship after over 30 years.  They might as well enjoy it because the Kansas City Chiefs, have about as much chance of winning the Super Bowl as the United Sates Rugby World Cup team has of winning the World Cup.  And that, my friends, is a big zero.  Still, the Royals championship is a nice story and with that, another Completely Random tournament comes to a close.