The 2024 Totally Random NBA Playoffs

 The 2024 Totally Random NBA Playoffs

The long NBA regular season is finally and mercifully, in my opinion, over.  It is about 10 games too long in my opinion.  But it’s done now which means it is time for the Totally Random 2024 NBA Playoffs.  Merit, home court, injuries, and form play no part.  Each series and subsequent rounds are run once to get a completely random result.  I ran the results before the playoffs started but did not have time to write and post this before the first games began.  So here is what happened.

The First Round

In the east, the Heat got in through the play-in tournament once more and face the team with the best record in the NBA, my Boston Celtics.  This is a rematch of the Eastern Conference Final from last year in which Boston came back from a 3-0 deficit only to be blown off their home court by the Heat who advanced to the NBA final.  That was one of the most embarrassing losses in franchise history and I have followed the Celtics since the Dave Collins era, that’s how old I am.  And the demons resurfaced as the Heat took game 1 in Boston.  But the Celtics snapped out of it and won the next four advancing with a 4-1 series win.  That is what should have happened last year, but the totally Random universe brought vindication to the Celtics, at least for now.

Meanwhile the 76ers play the Knicks in a series I am really looking forward to.  The Knicks are finally relevant and both venues were loud, even in the Totally Random Universe.  The 76ers also took game 1 in New York emulating the Heat in Boston.  The Knicks evened things up and then the teams traded games until the poor Knicks fans were about to drop from exhaustion when Game 7 finally hit New York.  But all went well for starved Knicks fans.  They prevailed over the 76ers in a tight game 7.

The real shock happened with Pacers v. Bucks.  The Pacers swept.  Wow, I did not see that one coming.  But in the world of total randomness, bizarre things like this can happen.

When it came to the Magic against the Cavaliers, it was hard to pick a winner.  In the end, the Magic prevailed by winning a road Game 7 rather comfortably.  Cleveland is used to being disappointed though and they can now transfer their false hopes on to the Guardians in MLB before once again sinking hopelessly with the Browns later this year.

In the West the Thunder surprised by being the number one seed in the West and they dispatched the play-in Pelicans in 6 games.  But how would the Nuggets go against the Lakers?  The Lakers won game 1 in Denver.  Game 1 road wins were a trend in the totally Random tournament.  Only the Timberwolves held serve in game 1.  The Nuggets were sluggish, but they found their rhythm in the end winning in 6 games.  Bye-bye Lakers and good riddance. 

The Timberwolves may have held serve at home in Game 1, but it was the rejuvenated Suns who took the series in 6.  The Timberwolves looked promising early in the season, but ultimately bowed out in the first round. 

And finally, in a bitterly fought series between the Mavericks and the Clippers, it was the Mavericks who won Game 7 on the road to advance to the next round.  This was a surprise to everyone.

The Second Round

The Indiana Pacers might have swept the Bucks in the first round, but they nearly got swept by the C’s in the second round.  Boston won the first 3 games of the series.  Indiana got a token win at home in Game 4 before Boston took care of business in game 5 winning the series easily 4-1.

Knicks fans are torn between thinking they are in Disneyland and actually having a good team.  In the second round they play the Magic who play in Orlando which is the home of Disneyworld.  But Orlando runs out of Magic and Knicks fans climb to the next level on the mountain.  New York is confused because they have hardly been here in 50 years.  Governor Kathy Hochul orders a commission to study this rare event.

Meanwhile in the west, the Phoenix Suns topple the young Thunder 4-3.  Although they are disappointed, Thunder fans know they have much to look forward to.  This is a young and dynamic team.

If the Pacers’ four game sweep of Milwaukee in round 1 was a shock, the Mavericks broom job over the Nuggets is beyond comprehension.  None of the games except the clincher are close.  In the clincher, the Mavericks prevail 105-103 in front of a stunned but happy home crowd.  The people of Texas begin to voice the opinion that Greg Abbott might have been premature when he seceded from all American professional sports bodies.  The Texas Supreme court puts a stay on the order pending the Mavericks NBA chances.  (See the Totally Random NHL Playoffs).

The Conference Finals

Here we go again, New York v. Boston.  We had Yankees Red Sox, we had Giants Patriots.  The New York Jets don’t really count I’m sorry to say.  We have had the Rangers Bruins for years.  But Knicks fans care about their basketball, and they have been starved.  But unfortunately for New York, the Celtics have found their rhythm and tear through the overachieving Knicks bringing their brooms to New York and sweeping the series.  Yes for a neutral that was anticlimactic but for Celtics fans, oh how sweet it is.  We’re back in the finals. 

Meanwhile the Mavericks are on fire, taking out the suns easily in five games. Phoenix sued the NBA claiming Texas teams had seceded and so the result does not count.  This will go to the Supreme Court.  But for now, the Mavericks fly to Boston for the final.

The NBA Finals

This series appears to be one-sided when the unstoppable Celtics win the first 3 games.  But doubt creeps in as the Mavericks survive with a 2-point win in Game 4, then stun the home Boston crowd who were looking forward to a home court clinch as they did against the Lakers in 2008, the last time Bean town celebrated an NBA championship.  The Celtics are overanxious and miss most of their 3’s.  The Mavericks believe as they return home for Game 6.  But reality sets in and Boston seals the deal in Dallas, winning Banner 18!  Congratulations to the Boston Celtics, winners of the 2024 totally Random NBA Playoffs.  Let’s hope the real world brings the same result.  Go Celtics!

 

 

 

The totally Random 2024 NHL Playoffs

 Totally Random NHL Playoffs

Ladies and gentlemen, the race for the Stanley cup begins at long last.  The NHL playoffs are simply the best.  Among the four major sports in the USA, this is by far the most chaotic playoff race there is.  Anyone can win.  But while the real teams play for the real Stanley Cup, it is time for the Totally Random NHL playoffs.  Who will lift the Random Cup?  The way this works is simple.  The series are run once.  Merit, home ice, injuries and recent form play no part.  The results are completely random so let’s see what happened.  One thing in the real world we know for sure is that the Rangers are doomed, and this gives me warm fuzzy feelings.  Why?  Well, they are doomed because they won the Presidents’ trophy this year being the best team in the regular season.  This trophy is cursed as my Bruins can attest from 2023.  I also have warm feelings because the Rangers are evil.  So will this curse apply to the totally random universe?

First Round

In a pretty one-sided series, the Islanders take out the higher ranked Hurricanes four games to one and the Hurricanes only got that one win because they were lucky.

My Bruins faded at the end, and they take on the up-start Maple Leafs who have all of Canada behind them.  This series is tense with the Bruins jumping out to a 2-0 series lead holding home ice.  But the Leafs return the favor and when they win game 5 in Boston, all hope seems lost.  It’s another first round exit for my Bruins.  But a nail biting 1-0 win in Toronto evens the series and in game 7, the Bruins survive in overtime 4-3, winning the series by that same score.  Phew.  Toronto goes into morning.  Spring is still here, and the Leafs are still out, though later than usual.

Last year the Panthers were an afterthought until they shocked the world and advanced all the way to the finals.  That game 7 win in Boston still haunts me.  This year they top the Atlantic Division but what they did last year gets done to them this year as the never-say-die Lightning take them down rather easily four games to one.

The Presidents’ Trophy curse is put on hold as the Rangers take care of the Capitals who to be honest are really kind of lucky to be here at all.  They do it in 6 games, which is probably one more than I expect in the real world.

Now to the West.  Last year’s champions the Golden Knights scraped in as a wild card this year.  They play the highly fancied, but I think somewhat suspect Stars.  This series goes 7 games with each game being a nail biter.  In Texas and Nevada, Xanax use is at an all-time high.  In game 7 in front of screaming Stars fans, it is last year’s champs who rise from the dead, being down 3 games to 1, to win the last 3 with a 1-0 win in game 7.  Wow what a series.  99% of the Stars fans at the game are also Dallas Cowboys fans.  This loss, coupled with the Cowboys collapse earlier this year is too much for Texas.  As a result, Texas secedes from all American sports bodies.  Texas governor Greg Abbott puts all professional sports players in Texas on buses and sends them to sanctuary cities.

Meanwhile the Oilers sweep the Kings.  Nothing much to report there.  The Avalanche and the Jets play a thrilling series that goes 7 games.  In a 3-2 overtime thriller, the higher seed Jets prevail.  Canada still has a team in contention.

But Canada’s cup runneth over because the Canucks also qualify after nearly blowing 3 games to 1 lead.  Canada declares a day of reflection not having had three teams advance in the Stanley cup playoffs in a very long time.

The Second Round

The NHL playoffs matchups for the second round are not always straightforward.  I think I have these right.  In the east, we have a New York civil War with the Islanders playing the Rangers.  The Islanders have always been the other team in New York and although they fight hard against Big Brother, the Rangers prevail in 6.  Hey what happened to the curse?

Meanwhile the Tampa Bay Lightning go up against my Bruins.  The Lightning always gives us trouble, but not this year.  It’s broom time in Bean Town as the Bruins cruise to a showdown with the hated and ultra-evil Rangers.

Meanwhile in the west, Canada experiences pain as the Canucks go down to last year’s champs the Golden Knights.  Vegas is hopping, while Vancouver goes into morning.  Vancouver may have never hoisted the Stanley Cup, but they still have Stanley Park which I highly recommend to anyone who visits that great city. 

The other two Canadian teams play one another.  This is a great seven game series in which the road team wins the first 6 games.  Amazing.  But in game 7, Winnipeg erupts as their Jets survive a 2-1 thriller to advance.

Conference Finals

In the east, hatred is real.  Both teams are original 6 teams.  I’ve hated the rangers ever since I knew what hatred was.  (note, I’m talking about sports hate).  The screaming fans of New York are livid when the Bruins win game one 1-0.  But the Rangers even things up and when they win game 3 in Boston, hope seems restored.  But Boston evens things up.  Tied 2-2, the Rangers fans get what they want, a home game for the pivotal game 5 matchup.  But the Bruins shock the Rangers in overtime 3-2 and take the same series lead.  In game 6 in front of screaming fans in Boston, the Rangers score a first quarter goal and hang on from there.  This is incredibly frustrating, not scoring a single goal in a clinching game.  Game 7 causes state law enforcement agencies in both states to man the borders.  This could get ugly.  In a dramatic game, my Bruins finally level the Presidents’ Trophy curse hammer on these Rangers who dared to hope their defiance of the sports gods would go unnoticed.  They are knocked out in heartbreaking fashion, and it is my Bruins who do it.  Life is good.

In the west, the prospect that a team from Canada might make it to the Stanley Cup finals causes Justin Trudeau to declare a National Day of Prayer.  And the sports gods seem to answer their prayer as the Jets take 2 games to none lead over last year’s champs.  But then the Knights even things up and when they win game five in Winnipeg, Trudeau declares another National Day of Prayer, but adds fasting and rending of garments to the mix.  This is too much for the sports gods.  Canada will not have a team play for the one trophy the nation cares about over all else.  In a heartbreaking overtime loss, the flame of Canada, not to be confused with the Calgary Flames who did not qualify, is snuffed out by these pesky champions.  It will be the Golden Knights against the Bruins for the most coveted trophy in all of sports.

The Stanley Cup Final

The Totally Random universe gives us the matchup we should have had last year and which we would have had, except for the fact the Bruins choked against the Panthers in the first round despite breaking all NHL regular season records.

This matchup lives up to the billing.  The Golden Knights take a 3-2 lead but in front of screaming Vegas fans hoping for a back-to-back scenario, the Bruins shut down the Golden Knights 2-0 to bring the decider back to Boston.

But sadly for me, just as the Bruins lost game 7 at home to the Blues, they lose this one as well 3-2 to the now back-to-back Champs.

Well, technically, the Golden Knights are not back-to-back champs because this is the Totally Random tournament.  But congratulations to them for winning it.  As for the real Stanley Cup I would have picked my Bruins, but they faded toward the end so my objective prediction is that  the Canucks to win their first ever.  Let the games begin!