The Totally Random NFL Playoffs

Totally Random NFL Playoffs

The NFL is America’s number one sport by far and it’s playoff time once again.  This time my cowboys enter the tournament with the best record in the NFC at 13-3 so my hopes are high.  But in the totally random universe, anything can and usually does happen.  Despite this I am surprised at how often the totally random program actually ends up picking the favorite as the champion.  This has happened a number of times in a number of sports.  With the Patriots favoured to win it all in the real world, it’s time to see what really matters, the completely random NFL playoffs.

Wild Card Weekend

In the first round called Wild Card Weekend, three out of four road teams win.  The Raiders despite losing their starting quarterback for the year destroy the Texans 31-2 and finally put all NFL fans out of their misery because we don’t have to watch the Texans or even think about them any longer.  It is fitting that the Texans go out with no offensive points.

Meanwhile the Lions score 40 against the supposedly good Seattle defence and prevail 40-26 over the Seahawks.  This is good news for the Cowboys because that means the Cowboys will play the Lions, a team they dominated, instead of the Packers or Giants.  The Dolphins, meanwhile, have surprised everyone all year, including Dolphins fans.  Can they do it again by upsetting the Steelers?  Yes they can stunning Pittsburgh, in Pittsburgh 36-23.

Finally, in the Wild Card Weekend match everyone is waiting for, the Packers are the only home team to win easily disposing of the Giants 30-10. 

Divisional Round

In the AFC the divisional round gives us the Raiders against the Chiefs for the third time in 2016.  We also get another divisional matchup with the Dolphins playing the Patriots also for the third time.  The Chiefs swept the Raiders in 2016 but it is difficult to beat the same team three times in a row.  Not for the chiefs.  The Raiders go down 46-11.  Meanwhile the dolphins have lost to the Patriots twice this year.  Can the Patriots also achieve the difficult task of beating one team three times in a single year?  Of course they can but it’s not the blowout we expected as they roll 24-14.  So we have a matchup no one in the real world is surprised with for the AFC championship between the Chiefs and the Patriots.  Despite the totally random nature of this tournament, the AFC championship game will feature the number one versus the number two seeds.

In the NFC Cowboys fans are nervous because the last time we had home field throughout the playoffs we lost in the first round.  But surely we learned our lesson from 2007.  Sadly, no.  I guess the players and coach are different.  Whereas in 2007, the Tony Romo lead Cowboys went down 21-17 in what was a close game against the ultra-evil New York Giants, this time the Lions blow the star right off the Cowboys helmets in a 41-0 beat down.  How incredibly disappointing this random tournament is.

Meanwhile the Falcons, the number two seed and a lot of people’s pick to represent the NFC also has high hopes.  Sure they are playing the red hot Aaron Rodgers but Atlanta has the red hot Matt Ryan.  Unfortunately for the Falcons, their playoff futility continues as the Packers roll 26-16.  So in the NFC we have the sixth seed Lions playing the fourth seed Packers for a chance the go to the Super Bowl.

Championship Round

As a result of their 41-0 loss to the Lions, Jerry Jones announces that no matter what happens in training camp the following season, tony Romo will be the starting quarterback.  This announcement overshadows pre-game coverage of championship weekend but the games go on anyway and America grows weary of hearing about the quarterback controversy in Dallas.  Cowboys fans are not, though, because they are too busy being convinced by loved ones to come down from the ledge.

The Patriots are held in check by the Chiefs defence but lead 23-18 with 1:27 seconds left.  So far the Chiefs have only managed six field goals.  But they have the ball and in dramatic fashion, they score a touchdown with 17 seconds left to take a 24-23 lead.  The crowd in Foxborough are dispirited and begin to make their way toward the exits.   Yes there are 17 seconds left and Tom Brady is the quarterback, but even he can’t do anything in such a short time.  Sadly for the Chiefs, they still have to kick the extra point and when they do it is blocked and Malcolm Butler, who saved the Patriots in the Super Bowl, returns it all the way for two huge points.  It is now Patriots 25-24 over the Chiefs.  The normally spoiled Patriots crowd who is so used to winning, style points are almost as important as wins, go crazy and the look of utter bewilderment on Andy Reed’s face is worth it.  And so the Patriots are in the Super Bowl. . .again.

All right, I made the game ending up.  My program doesn’t go into that much detail, but a one point game deserves a little more than simply recounting the score.

Meanwhile in the NFC the Lions defence shows up for once, but sadly, their offense, which scored 41 against the Cowboys, does not.  Packers win 18-12.  It’s probably freezing and the frozen tundra is just not kind to a dome team like the Lions. 

The Super Bowl

So after all this randomness, we don’t get a Lions Texans Super Bowl, but we get Patriots Packers.  And that could well be what we get in the real world too.

In a dramatic Super bowl, the Patriots prevail over the Packers 41-38 and most of America groans.  There can be no doubt that Tom Brady is the greatest QB of all time now with five rings to his name.

And there you have it.  The totally random Super Bowl is a very realistic one and the final   score is also something which is very realistic should the Patriots play the Packers in the real Super Bowl.

Has for me, screw this totally random stuff.  41-0 losses to the Lions are not what I want from my Cowboys.  I can only hope they do better in the real world than they did in this year’s Totally Random NFL Playoffs.