Totally Random AFL Finals for 2016

Totally Random Australian Rules Finals

For the last three years my Richmond Tigers have actually been in the AFL finals.  This has been such a strange thing because normally, the Tigers aren’t good enough to be considered pathetic.  The first year of the three we made the finals, the club sent us a schedule which included the finals in September.  But according to the calendar they sent us, September had 31 days and the days of the week didn’t match.  Anyone who follows Richmond knows that September is generally free of Tigers participation.  Since September never factors into our season, it is perfectly understandable the club’s PR department was out of their depth trying to produce a September calendar.  You can plan your holidays in advance knowing the Tigers won’t be playing in the finals and so there won’t be any danger of missing games while you travel overseas.

For the last three years, though, the Tigers have ruined our September holiday plans because they have actually participated.  Granted, their participation only lasted a single game because they were, as we American say, one and done.  This year, the Tigers reverted back to their normal selves and decided not only to free up our September, but to go on holidays themselves.  Actually, the Tigers began their holiday in round 2 and haven’t been back since.

Fortunately, there are eight teams who actually did play well enough to qualify for the finals though North Melbourne are only in because the rest of the competition were too poor to challenge.  Having said this, hats off to the Saints who finished 9^th.  They nearly made it into the eight, but as they are a young team on the rise, they probably finished where they deserved to finish.  If you’re a Saints fan, though, I think there is hope for next year.

This brings us once again to the event all of Australia has been waiting for:  the Totally Random AFL Finals Tournament.  This tournament is completely random.  Skill, hoe field, recent form, recent history, and injuries don’t matter.  It’s totally random.  I designate the time when the tournament starts and that random draw prevails.  Last year, the Totally Random tournament featured a thrilling Grand Final pitting the Tigers against the Bulldogs, with the teams going without a flat since 1980 and 1954 respectively.  Both were knocked out in the first round in the real world.

This year’s random mayhem is just that, mayhem.  So with all that said, here goes.

Round 1

Round one features four blowout games.  The Swans take out Sydney rivals the Giants by 47 points.  The Giants are in the finals for the first time in their history and the occasion is too much for them.  Meanwhile the injury riddled Hawks blow Geelong into the stone age by a score of 153-54.  Wow that’s a shocker.  Don’t worry, both the Giants and Cats get a second chance. 

Meanwhile in the elimination finals, The Crows finally put North Melbourne fans out of their misery by 61 points.  Thank goodness that team is finally out.  Unfortunately (from my viewpoint) the Eagles end the Bulldogs season 146-81. 

This means that the Swans and the Hawks have a bye.  A lot of people are very upset because it looks like the Hawks have a good chance to win their 4^th straight premiership and frankly, that’s just not right.  I’m extremely jealous of the Hawks and the last thing anyone, except Hawks fans, wanted was for them to beat the Cats.

Meanwhile North Melbourne managers are run out of Melbourne for letting a couple of club legends go and the club is brought to its knees financially because of fan revolt.  Well actually, that really could happen.

Round 2

In Round 2 the Crows, who started this thing in 5^th spot, end the Giants Cinderella season 71-61.  Giants fans are disappointed, but since this is their first finals, they are able to handle the disappointment.  Besides, at least the Giants aren’t the Suns, who came in at the same time more or less.  That team is a disaster and it looks like a mass exodus will occur.  So the Giants are much better run and are therefore much better off.

In the round’s only other game the Cats awaken and score 133 points.  Sadly, their defence, which allowed 153 points against the Hawks, is comatose, allowing the Eagles to score 160.  The problem here is the Cats are related to the Tigers and it’s just not a good year for feline teams.  The tigers were dreadful.  The Lions made the Tigers look like world beaters, and now the Cats lose two straight to exit the 2016 season.

Round 3 the Preliminary Finals

Now there are four teams left.  The Swans and Hawks are well rested, having had a week off after the final home and away round, plus another week off after defeating their opponents in the first round.  The Swans players spent too much time at the beach during their time off and are soundly defeated by the rampaging Eagles 154-109.  Meanwhile the Crows and Hawks play a thriller.  In a dramatic game, the Crows finally end the Hawks reign 59-56.  All of Victoria, South Australia, West Australia, Queensland and Sydney rejoice because we’re all sick and tired of the Hawks.  OK, we all want to be the Hawks, but we’re not so we allow our envy to twist us into blind hatred.  As a tigers fan, I just hate everyone, but others just hate the Hawks.  Thank you Crows. 

So we have the Eagles against the Crows for the 2016 totally random Grand Final.  The Grand Final will be played in Melbourne and the city is divided but most are going to go for West Coast because we don’t like Adelaide very much.  Besides, a lot of people talked themselves into betting on the Eagles last year against the Hawks in the real grand final and lost money.  The Eagles owe us. . .ooops, I reveal I was one of those suckers.  But the Eagles lost me money last year so screw you Eagles!  I’m going for the Crows!

The Totally Random Grand Final

And the Crows don’t let me down, defeating the West Coast Eagles by 25 points 95-70.  Adelaide is the only team to ever win the premiership when not finishing in the top 4.  They did this in the real world.  And now their glory is complete.  They have done it in the real tournament that matters.  Congratulations Adelaide Crows.  You are the pride of south Australia and you nailed the Hawks for us so thank you, thank you, thank you.