Totally Random AFL Finals for 2016

Totally Random Australian Rules Finals

For the last three years my Richmond Tigers have actually been in the AFL finals.  This has been such a strange thing because normally, the Tigers aren’t good enough to be considered pathetic.  The first year of the three we made the finals, the club sent us a schedule which included the finals in September.  But according to the calendar they sent us, September had 31 days and the days of the week didn’t match.  Anyone who follows Richmond knows that September is generally free of Tigers participation.  Since September never factors into our season, it is perfectly understandable the club’s PR department was out of their depth trying to produce a September calendar.  You can plan your holidays in advance knowing the Tigers won’t be playing in the finals and so there won’t be any danger of missing games while you travel overseas.

For the last three years, though, the Tigers have ruined our September holiday plans because they have actually participated.  Granted, their participation only lasted a single game because they were, as we American say, one and done.  This year, the Tigers reverted back to their normal selves and decided not only to free up our September, but to go on holidays themselves.  Actually, the Tigers began their holiday in round 2 and haven’t been back since.

Fortunately, there are eight teams who actually did play well enough to qualify for the finals though North Melbourne are only in because the rest of the competition were too poor to challenge.  Having said this, hats off to the Saints who finished 9^th.  They nearly made it into the eight, but as they are a young team on the rise, they probably finished where they deserved to finish.  If you’re a Saints fan, though, I think there is hope for next year.

This brings us once again to the event all of Australia has been waiting for:  the Totally Random AFL Finals Tournament.  This tournament is completely random.  Skill, hoe field, recent form, recent history, and injuries don’t matter.  It’s totally random.  I designate the time when the tournament starts and that random draw prevails.  Last year, the Totally Random tournament featured a thrilling Grand Final pitting the Tigers against the Bulldogs, with the teams going without a flat since 1980 and 1954 respectively.  Both were knocked out in the first round in the real world.

This year’s random mayhem is just that, mayhem.  So with all that said, here goes.

Round 1

Round one features four blowout games.  The Swans take out Sydney rivals the Giants by 47 points.  The Giants are in the finals for the first time in their history and the occasion is too much for them.  Meanwhile the injury riddled Hawks blow Geelong into the stone age by a score of 153-54.  Wow that’s a shocker.  Don’t worry, both the Giants and Cats get a second chance. 

Meanwhile in the elimination finals, The Crows finally put North Melbourne fans out of their misery by 61 points.  Thank goodness that team is finally out.  Unfortunately (from my viewpoint) the Eagles end the Bulldogs season 146-81. 

This means that the Swans and the Hawks have a bye.  A lot of people are very upset because it looks like the Hawks have a good chance to win their 4^th straight premiership and frankly, that’s just not right.  I’m extremely jealous of the Hawks and the last thing anyone, except Hawks fans, wanted was for them to beat the Cats.

Meanwhile North Melbourne managers are run out of Melbourne for letting a couple of club legends go and the club is brought to its knees financially because of fan revolt.  Well actually, that really could happen.

Round 2

In Round 2 the Crows, who started this thing in 5^th spot, end the Giants Cinderella season 71-61.  Giants fans are disappointed, but since this is their first finals, they are able to handle the disappointment.  Besides, at least the Giants aren’t the Suns, who came in at the same time more or less.  That team is a disaster and it looks like a mass exodus will occur.  So the Giants are much better run and are therefore much better off.

In the round’s only other game the Cats awaken and score 133 points.  Sadly, their defence, which allowed 153 points against the Hawks, is comatose, allowing the Eagles to score 160.  The problem here is the Cats are related to the Tigers and it’s just not a good year for feline teams.  The tigers were dreadful.  The Lions made the Tigers look like world beaters, and now the Cats lose two straight to exit the 2016 season.

Round 3 the Preliminary Finals

Now there are four teams left.  The Swans and Hawks are well rested, having had a week off after the final home and away round, plus another week off after defeating their opponents in the first round.  The Swans players spent too much time at the beach during their time off and are soundly defeated by the rampaging Eagles 154-109.  Meanwhile the Crows and Hawks play a thriller.  In a dramatic game, the Crows finally end the Hawks reign 59-56.  All of Victoria, South Australia, West Australia, Queensland and Sydney rejoice because we’re all sick and tired of the Hawks.  OK, we all want to be the Hawks, but we’re not so we allow our envy to twist us into blind hatred.  As a tigers fan, I just hate everyone, but others just hate the Hawks.  Thank you Crows. 

So we have the Eagles against the Crows for the 2016 totally random Grand Final.  The Grand Final will be played in Melbourne and the city is divided but most are going to go for West Coast because we don’t like Adelaide very much.  Besides, a lot of people talked themselves into betting on the Eagles last year against the Hawks in the real grand final and lost money.  The Eagles owe us. . .ooops, I reveal I was one of those suckers.  But the Eagles lost me money last year so screw you Eagles!  I’m going for the Crows!

The Totally Random Grand Final

And the Crows don’t let me down, defeating the West Coast Eagles by 25 points 95-70.  Adelaide is the only team to ever win the premiership when not finishing in the top 4.  They did this in the real world.  And now their glory is complete.  They have done it in the real tournament that matters.  Congratulations Adelaide Crows.  You are the pride of south Australia and you nailed the Hawks for us so thank you, thank you, thank you.

Totally Random Euro 2016

Euro2016 is about to descend upon us.  Next to the World Cup, it is the most prestigious international football tournament there is.  Of course the mighty USA could take out any of these teams but the USA will have to be content with winning the Copa America instead.  And now that it is apparent I am indulging in fantasy, it’s that time again for the totally random tournament.  The results are completely random.  Neither the merits of the teams, nor home field advantage, nor recent form has anything to do with this tournament.  It’s completely random.  So here we go.

In the group stages, both France and Germany finish last.  So they are out.  And things started so well for France with a 2-0 win over Romania.  But the French campaign goes to the chiens after that.  A shock 3-0 loss to Albania followed by a 5-2 capitulation to Switzerland and the host nation bids au revoir to the tournament.  Too bad too because this is who I’m going for, along with Iceland.

Germany’s campaign is not worth mentioning.  England disappoints but they manage to scrape through as one of the surviving third place teams.  I fear the English are in for a hard crash landing as usual.

Round of 16

Albania takes down the Ukraine in a penalty shootout which follows a 1-1 score line.  The Czech Republic knock surprising Hungary out 2-1.  After playing to a 3-3 tie, Switzerland downs Slovakia in the most bizarre penalty shootout of all time in which only one penalty goal is scored.  You get things like this in the totally random tournament.  After the game all Slovakian penalty shooters are sacked from the team permanently.  Next, Austria, after powering their way to the top of Group F, blast Italy back to the stone age 5-1.  Italy cuts diplomatic ties with Austria and Europe has yet another crisis to take their minds off the looming British exit.  Unfortunately, this diversion only lasts a short while because after England goes down to Poland 1-0, the British exit seems inevitable.  And indeed, the exit vote overwhelms the stay vote.  Officially, England puts this down to dissatisfaction with the way Brussels runs things.  But the truth is by exiting Europe, England has a better chance of convincing FIFA to allow them to exist in a weaker group, like CONCACAF for example.  Looks like we’ll see England in the next Copa America.  Belgium defeats Croatia 3-1 on penalties, the third round of 16 match that has gone to penalties.  In the 4^th match to go to penalties, Cinderella Romania goes down 4-2 to Sweden.  And finally, Portugal suffers a stunning blowout loss to Russia 5-1.

Quarterfinals

Now that just about all the big names are out, it looks like you might as well throw dice to predict the rest of the tournament.  In a way, that is exactly what we’re doing here except we’ve been throwing dice all along.  There is dancing in the streets in Albania as this team continues its stunning emergence from obscurity to down the Czech Republic in a well-played 5-3 quarterfinal match.  In a not so exciting match, Switzerland power past Austria 5-0.  Austria certainly won’t be back for the semi-finals after their dismal performance.  Belgium takes care of business and does what everyone expects they should do against Poland and wipes them out 4-0.  In the final quarterfinal match, Sweden take down Russia 2-0.  Not much to say about that game.

Semi-finals

I think it’s safe to say we have semi-finals matches that no one predicted.  Except here of course.  In the first match, Switzerland stops the party in Albania with a 5-0 win.  The Albanians are happy to have come this far.  Meanwhile the Swiss government claims if they actually win the tournament, they will end their neutrality.  No one really knows why they will do this but most experts put it down to giddiness at being so close to the impossible dream.  Their opponents?  Belgium.  The Belgian defence which we always knew would be solid blanks Sweden as they cruise to a 5-0 win.

The Final

So here we have it.  The headquarters of European government, minus England of course, and the headquarters of European finance going at it for the ultimate, or second ultimate prize.  The ultimate prize is of course the Copa America win which the USA is celebrating by now.  Yes, the fantasy continues.  So either Belgium or Switzerland will have to settle for being the champions of Europe.  Just as in real life, money runs the world while governments only think they do, Belgium shuts down Switzerland 3-0.  Belgium celebrates as they proclaim themselves the best, while the Swiss continue dominating the world behind the scenes and pulling all the strings. 

After conceding 1 goal in the round of 16, Belgium goes through the rest of the knock-out phase without conceding a single goal.  So congratulations to Belgium, the 2016 Totally Random Champions of Europe.

My real life prediction?  It’s hard to say really.  It’s easy to pick the usual favorites.  I’ll go with the host nation France.  If I have to choose a dark horse, though, I will say the Czech Republic.  The most Cinderella winner though would be mighty Iceland who did really well to qualify.   Let’s hope for a good tournament and for at least one Cinderella to make things exciting.

Totally Random NHL Playoffs

Totally Random NHL Playoffs

Ok Hockey fans, it’s what you’ve all been waiting for all year.  This is my annual Totally Random NHL playoffs.  As is always the case, factors such as merit, talent, home ice, history and team quality have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the picks here.  Picks are completely random.  Of course, when you pick randomly, you can get different results each time you run the tournament.  The way around this is to have an official tournament and it is run once and only once. 

It is sad that my Bruins executed one of the epic end-of-season fade outs of all time as they completely died and threw away a fairly solid playoff position.  Now they will be watching on TV or, I suppose, sunning themselves on a beach somewhere.  And without Montréal in the playoffs as well, I have no one to truly hate except for the Rangers and Flyers and. . .well you get the idea.  Red Wing fans were resigned to missing the playoffs for the first time in forever.  They had come to terms with it.  What they didn’t count on was the Bruins complete ineptitude down the stretch.  My Bruins finished where I thought they would at the start of the season.  But my hopes and expectations were lifted for the first 2/3 of the season.  Then, splat!  With all that said, let the luckiest team in the random tournament win.

Round 1

In the west the Stars, Blues, Predators and Kings advance.  Yes, the Sharks manage to disappoint yet again.  Between the Sharks and the Capitals, I don’t know who is worse.  It would be great to see a Sharks Capitals final because at least one tortured fan base will be happy while the other will be even more tortured.  But alas for the random tournament, the Sharks bow out early.  The Blues and Blackhawks played a classic 7 game series which came down to a 4-3 game 7 win for the Blues.  Bye-bye Blackhawks. . .finally.

In the East the Capitals survive a little scare to beat the Flyers in six games.  The Penguins, Panthers and Lightning join the Capitals with the Lightning and Penguins requiring seven games to do so.   This was a good round for me because both the hated Rangers and Flyers bit the dust.

Round 2

After sweeping the Wild in the first round, the Stars are themselves swept by the rampaging Blues.  The Kings take out the Predators in six games to bring on a Blues, Kings showdown in the West.

Meanwhile the Capitals have the best record in the NHL.  It doesn’t matter.  The Capitals do what they always do in reality.  They choke going down to the Pens in six.  Meanwhile the Islanders only manage one token win against the Lightning who easily advance to take on the Penguins.

The Semi-final

Just when Blues fans got excited, the Kings did it again.  Yes it’s another great playoff run for them as they down the Blues in five.  The East has a far more exciting series with the Lighting defeating the Penguins 2-1 in Game 7 to advance to the Stanley Cup.

Kings v Lightning for the Cup

The Random Stanley Cup Final is a dud.  Those Kings just cannot be stopped in the playoffs.  They blow the Lightning off both their home ice, and Tampa ice sweeping them 4-0.  Yes, the Kings have done it again, saving their best for the playoffs.  Congratulations to the Los Angeles Kings for winning the Totally Random NHL playoffs.  And the rest of us groan.  Not again, we say.

In the real world, I have picked the Ducks to walk away with the goods this year.  Time will tell.  The NHL playoffs are always exciting and the closest thing in American sports to a random tournament.  You never know.  That’s what makes them

                

The Totally Random NCAA Tournament

Well it’s that time of year again.  March Madness is upon us which means it’s time for the totally random NCAA tournament.  This year the tournament has some excitement for me because the University of Hawaii Rainbows qualified.  To say that was unexpected would be an understatement.  The truth is, I don’t watch any college basketball anymore, at least not a complete game.  I believe the college game has gone to the dogs.  That is a result of the one and done philosophy.  I can’t blame anyone for leaving school and going for the millions available in the NBA.  I might do the same thing, but both the college and NBA game suffers because players who are not ready move to the NBA and then the freshman who take their place in college are not that polished either.

But the NCAA tournament is always exciting because every game is a knockout game.  One of the appeals of the tournament is that David can and often does beat Goliath.  Goliath always wins the tournament over all, but David can sometimes do pretty well along the way.  In the totally random universe, in which games are decided completely on a random basis, this is even more pronounced.

And in the first round, chaos reigned in the east with both top seeds going down in the first round.  Another highlight of the first round was Holy Cross taking out number one seed Oregon 94-90.

Unfortunately, my Hawaii Rainbows did what I think they will do in the real world, going down to California 74-70.  Oh well, at least I have the real world tournament to hope for.

In the second round, Hawaii is avenged by South Dakota State.  Meanwhile kansas as a number one seed cruises on into the Sweet 16.  Meanwhile in the Eastt, Florida Gulf Coast is unable to sustain its giant killing prowess going down and out.  Webber State, on the other hand, after knocking out second seed Xavier, continues into the Sweet 16 with another resounding victory over Wisconsin 77-57. 

In the round of 16, south Dakota State is rewarded for taking vengeance on California and shocks Kansas 87-79.  Another number one seed gone.  Webber State also continues its giant killing ways downing West Virginia.  Meanwhile Kentucky, seeded 4^th, rolls on as expected.  A lot of people think they will win the whole thing and so far, there is nothing to indicate otherwise.  Yale and Syracuse are two other Cinderella’s who do well and make it into the eight.  Of course it’s hard to think of Syracuse as Cinderella, but yale’s rise is certainly unexpected.

South Dakota State, after knocking off number one seed Kansas, has a tall order against the two seed Villanova.  But Cinderella rolls on as south Dakota State makes it into the Final Four.  Meanwhile Yale also continues its Cinderella story downing Texas ANM.    So we have a Final Four of South Dakota State, Kentucky, Yale and Syracuse.  Talk about Cinderella.  Many thought Kentucky should be seeded higher so chalk could still prevail.

But the story of south Dakota State does not end.  They shock the nation by downing Kentucky 103-82.  Not even close.  Meanwhile dark horse Syracuse downs yale putting an end to the Ivy League dream.  So in the national Championship game, we have everyone’s darling South Dakota State against a traditional power house team Syracuse.

And the 2016 random NCAA tournament winner is South Dakota State as they down Syracuse 106-60 in a route for the ages.

And that is what can happen in the totally random tournament.  Dreams can come true.

Some Super Bowl 50 Thoughts

Payton Manning is one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game.  He will be a first ballot hall of famer.  But his post-game interview exemplifies why I’m not a huge fan of Payton.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike the guy.  It’s not like he’s Greg Hardy or anything like that.  It’s just a preference thing.  In the interview Manning couldn’t help getting in a couple of corporate references.  I’m all for players making as much money from endorsements as they can.  Were I a famous player, I would cash in as well.  But when you win a Super Bowl I think the corporate sponsors will forgive you for being joyous and celebrating the accomplishments of your team and teammates.  Manning always says the right things.  Win or lose, the guy is all class.  But you always get the vibe that things are scripted with him and that he makes a conscious effort to only let out what he wants.  This makes him like everyone else.  So what’s the problem with Manning?  While I understand that every famous person is conscious of their image, Manning comes across as plastic.  He’s likeable, but plastic.

This is why I think most of America enjoyed Richard Sherman’s rant after winning the NFC championship game a couple of years ago.  That was genuine.  He didn’t like Michael Crabtree and he let everyone know.  That’s what I like to see, a genuine non-scripted reaction after a big game.  I don’t want to see someone getting in as many corporate references as possible.  There is plenty of time for that later.  But after a big game, I want to see a genuine human being out there.

This is why I prefer Brady over Manning.  Of course I prefer Romo over both, but that’s another story.  Brady does endorsements too.  But when you watch Brady in any football game, you know his chief concern is football, pure football.  Of course Payton cares too.  Everyone says he is obsessive.  But he comes across as caring about a lot of other things too.  You wouldn’t see Brady putting in watch references after winning a Super Bowl.  He probably doesn’t even remember who he endorses after a big win.  He’s there for football and that’s it.

As for the game itself, it wasn’t the best Super Bowl.  After possibly the greatest of them all last year between the Patriots and Seahawks, it was doubtful the next one would equal that.  But since I like defence, Denver’s defence was a pleasure to watch.  And I am glad to see DeMarcus Ware, a long time elite Cowboys player, finally get his just reward.  Analysis of the game is pretty simple.  Carolina blew it.  But then, I’ve been saying that about everyone who has lost to Denver.  Every time I watch them I think they shouldn’t even be in the game.  And then they win.  And in the end, that’s all that matters.

One of the great prop bets of all time came to fruition as well.  The bet was that Mike Carey would be wrong on a challenge.  He was.  Had I been able to get that bet in Australia I would have put money down on it.  But sadly, I wasn’t.  Only this time, Mike Carey was actually right.  I’m not sure what those replay officials saw.  Maybe they had money on that prop bet so made Carey wrong, even though he wasn’t.  And of course, that blown call, then blown replay review, led to Denver’s first touchdown.  And this exemplifies Denver.  They had all the luck this year.  Every close call and close bounce of the ball went their way this year.  Had the Cotchrey catch been allowed, as it should have been, Denver probably doesn’t score a touchdown and the game is vastly different.  So congratulations to Denver.  They had great skill on defence, and great luck too.  Despite one of the worst offenses I have ever seen, they are the champions.

Another thing that struck me about the game is a report that 1 billion chicken wings were consumed on this day alone.  And that’s only in America.  My goodness, the amount of slaughtered chickens defies comprehension.  So 500 million chickens were killed just for this one day.  How many chickens in captivity are there?  When you consider there is no shortage of chicken in the United States, even after 500 million have been killed for one day, there must be. . .I don’t know how many.  I’m not saying this is reprehensible.  These chickens are food after all.  But 500 million in one day?  I can hardly conceive of the number.  This sort of thing does make me wonder whether we simply eat too much meat.  Most of us don’t see the chickens being slaughtered.  To us it’s just something that appears on the plate.  But wow!  That is a lot of dead chickens.

So another Super Bowl has come and gone and the count is now 20 years for the Cowboys.  But at least my team has climbed the top of the mountain five times.  There are still teams who have never experienced the glory, including the Panthers who, despite a 15-1 regular season and two comfortable playoff victories, do not raise the trophy this year.  I’m glad I’m not a Panthers fan today because losing that game really sucks for those fans.

Despite this, Panthers fans, along with fans of the other 31 teams will be right back into it heart and soul hoping that 2016 will be the year.  And for one fan base, it will be.

Totally Random NFL Playoffs and Super Bowl

As we get closer to the Panthers Broncos Super Bowl, all of America wants to know what happened to the Totally Random Football Playoffs.  Well, I didn’t have the time to post anything until now, but the playoffs were played in this alternate universe and here are the results.  I should say at the outset that in this alternate universe, neither the Panthers nor the Broncos made it to the Super Bowl.  I should also say part of the reason for not posting this until now is my complete disgust at the Cowboys 4-12 season.

Wild Card Weekend

For Wild Card Weekend, 3 out of the 4 teams paralleled our universe.  The only difference was the Houston Texans who actually had a pulse, and a quarterback actually capable of throwing the ball to someone other than a Chief.  Too bad that didn’t happen in our universe.  The Texans downed the Chiefs 28-27 in a thriller.  Otherwise, everything else pretty much ran to course.  The Steelers and Bengals played a defensive game for the ages with the Steelers winning 10-3.  Or was it an unwatchable game for the ages? 

Divisional Round

In the Divisional Round, the Broncos bowed out going down to the Steelers 22-11.  I must say this is what I actually thought would happen in our universe.  I figured the Broncos might score 11 points or so while Big Ben would drive for enough points to get the Steelers to the Conference Championship game.  But Denver managed to pull it out.

And speaking of Denver, how lucky can you get.  In the real world, they played two teams absolutely ravaged by injuries and both down to their 27^th string running back.  And everyone says “you can’t run against the Broncos.”  Heck, the Steelers and Patriots might as well have had me in the backfield.  Had the Cowboys been there instead of the Broncos, both the Steelers and Patriots would have been completely healthy, and there would have been a miracle stem cell breakthrough the week before the game which would enable all injured players on the opposition to be like the season was just starting.  Yes, I’m bitter about the Cowboys.  Seriously, though, Denver is a lucky team and I think we’ll find out that Carolina will run just fine against the Broncos.

But back to the random universe.  The Texans reverted to what we would expect as they got wasted by the Patriots 26-6.  Meanwhile the Seahawks made the Panthers one and done beating them 37-23 while the Cardinals took out the Packers.

Conference Championship

In a snow storm, the Patriots advanced to the Super Bowl with an 18-5 win.  Hey, the random universe got the Patriot’s score exactly the same as in the real universe.  The random Steelers couldn’t take it anymore and bowed out.  Meanwhile in the NFC championship game, the Seahawks beat the Cardinals 8-5.  If this had been a real score, I wonder what might account for that silly score.  After all, Arizona is not known for snow storms.  But in the random universe, games like this happen quite often.

The Random Super Bowl

In the Random Super Bowl 50, and thank goodness it’s not Super Bowl L, we have a rematch between the Patriots and Seahawks.  And can I just say something about Roman numerals?  Why are we still using them?  They are useless.  The only reason for having them around is so people can look smart.  I mean, when you really think of it, who cares if you can figure out that MCXLIX is. . .uh. . .uh. . .whatever that works out to be.  If you can calculate MCXLIX squared using just Roman numerals, that is kind of impressive, but that is offset by the stupidity of even trying.  We have advanced mathematically since then so let’s use numbers which are just plain better than what the Romans had.  That the Romans could build what they did without our mathematics is remarkable though and they should get credit for that.  But I think if Roman engineers had been introduced to our number system, and the concept of zero for that matter, they would have dropped Roman numerals faster than one of their ballista stones, which were pretty darn fast.

In this rematch, the Patriots did not need to rely on the dumbest call in Super Bowl history and a heroic last second interception.  In this version, the Patriots handled the Seahawks easily beating them 39-17.  And so the Totally Random 2015-2016 NFL champion is the Patriots.

And most of America is now breathing a sigh of relief that the Patriots won again in the random universe, and not in the real world.  Still, I think many people would have thought a rematch is what we could see.

My Real Super Bowl Prediction

In the real world, I think the Panthers are a vastly superior team this year and I believe they will slaughter the Broncos.  Of course, Denver has a knack of winning close games, but then, they have been very lucky.  I think their luck runs out and it will be Broncos Seahawks all over again.

Whoever wins, enjoy your time at the top because the Cowboys will gun sling their way back to glory next year!  Oh my goodness, a pig just flew past my window and I’m on the 5^th floor.  Honest, that pig just whizzed by.

Note:

MCXLIX = 1,149.