The Totally Random FIFA Women’s World Cup
Ladies and gentleman, it is time for the 2023 FIFA World
Cup co-hosted by Australia and New Zealand.
In Australia, there is a great deal of enthusiasm for the Matildas. We are being told they will finally go all
the way this time. Meanwhile in New
Zealand, more people visit Middle Earth sets than buy tickets for any of the
games it seems. Their women’s team, the,
hmm, wait, I need to google this because I have no idea what they are called. .
.the Football Ferns. The what? What the hell is a football fern? That’s not even a real plant. Well, for my American readers since I live in
Australia I can shed some light on this mystery. There is a sport played by English
Commonwealth nations called Netball. New
Zealand’s team are the Silver Ferns, which is a real plant with the botanical
name of Alsophila dealbata,. And no I
did not need to google this. OK, I
lied. I definitely needed to google
this. At least a Silver Fern is native
to New Zealand. It is difficult for New
Zealanders to come up with names. Their
world famous men’s rugby team is known as the All Blacks. It was too much for their national cricket
team to come up with an original name so they put black hats on and called
themselves the Black Caps. So, nobody
seems to care about the Football Ferns in New Zealand.
Maybe this is because what the people of New Zealand
really care about is the Totally Random 2023 FIFA’s World Cup. This is because they actually have a chance
of winning in this tournament. In this
tournament, merit, form, skill and experience have nothing to do with the
results. I run the tournament once and
the results are totally random. I admit,
I do not know much about women’s football other than the fact the good teams
are Australia, USA, Canada, England, Germany, and I think Holland. Japan is up there too but they have faded in
recent years. As for the rest, I have no idea. Without any further delay or snide remarks
about New Zealand, here is what happened.
Group Stages
Group A
Switzerland
New Zealand
Philippines
Norway
In front of an average of 29 screaming fans, screaming as
they read the latest on the All Blacks on their phones, Switzerland emerge
winners of group A. But New Zealand
survives to advance. All kidding aside,
New Zealanders are tough. They do not
back down from anyone. New Zealand
embraces the Football Ferns and wave real Silver Fern branches at the
games. But since crowds are modest, no
environmental impact is recorded.
Group B
Nigeria
Ireland
Australia
Canada
This group has two heavyweights in Australia and
Canada. The stadium in Sydney is packed
to watch Australia smash Ireland on their way to advancing. The result is a 5-5 draw. This is disappointing, but not the end of the
world. Something has to be done about
the Matildas defense though. Canada is a
disaster though going down to Nigeria 5-1.
Disappointment turns to sheer panic though when Australia get blown away
by Nigeria 0-4 in their next game.
Meanwhile Canada’s defense is much better. They only concede one goal to Ireland. The problem is, they don’t score any. Canada can pretty much kiss their tournament
goodbye as they move into their third stage game against Australia. In Canada, a study shows that Canada’s woes
are due to the majority of players being Toronto Maple Leaf fans who are quite
used to loosing. Oh, I’m so mean! Poor Toronto.
In Canada, there is a saying.
“Spring is here and the Leafs are out.”
You might think I am full of spite, but Canada does not actually have a
name for their team. The closest name
they have is. . .wait for it. . .wait some more. . .The Maple Leafs. This is because of the Canadian flag. So please, do some research on the Toronto
Maple Leafs of the National Hockey League and you will understand why I am
laughing.
But Australia is not laughing. They absolutely must win their third stage
game. They do win a 3-5 win over Canada
but sadly, Nigeria and Ireland walk up and down the field to a 1-1 draw. Australia is out! Victoria Premier Daniel Andrews, who
cancelled the 2026 Commonwealth Games in Victoria after winning the bid, throwing
the games into chaos, is suddenly a national treasure as Australians demand
their Prime Minister resigns for not pulling out of the FIFA World Cup after
securing the bid. Parliament is
dissolved and Hugh Jackman becomes a reluctant Prime Minister. Everyone loves him.
Group C
Japan
Spain
Costa Rica
Zambia
This group goes to plan.
Nothing more need be said here.
Group D
England
Denmark
Haiti
China
This group is also unremarkable going to script. Unfortunately immediately after England’s
controversial 4-5 win during the third group stage over China, China claims the
result is an imperialistic plot which forms a prelude for England to recapture
Hong Kong. China decides to invade
Taiwan to restore national pride which has been smashed, and we are plunged
into World War III. Who says sports does
not matter?
Group E
USA
Vietnam
Netherlands
Portugal
The Dutch and Portuguese party for days despite their
poor showing because they are just glad to be away from the oppressive heat
gripping Europe. The USA is dominant
winning all three group games. Back in
America, MAGA supporters riot because they were hoping the USA would bomb out
of the tournament so they could blame one more thing on Joe Biden. When this does not eventuate, frustration
boils over.
Group F
Panama
Jamaica
France
Brazil
I don’t really know if this is an up-side down result,
but I think it is. I saw in the news
Brazil had some hope here. Well, not
this time.
Group G
Sweden
Italy
Argentina
South Africa
Argentina was so hoping to emulate the men’s team who won
the 2022 Men’s World Cup but to no avail.
This cup is thrown into disarray, though, when it is revealed the Lionel
Messi disguised himself as a woman and wore one of those Mission Impossible masks
to complete the disguise. The world
became suspicious when in the second group game when this occurred, this woman
scored 17 goals in the first 15 minutes of the match against South Africa. Close-up camera angles revealed a bulge where
there shouldn’t be one, and the gig was up.
Argentina will be sanctioned, of course, but in this instance, the game
started over and Argentina, without Messi, won 1-0. It was not enough though as they bowed out.
Group H
Morocco
Germany
Columbia
South Korea
I basically have no idea here so I’ll leave it a that except
to say that during a warmup friendly between Ireland and Columbia, the game had
to be called off because Ireland felt Columbia was too physical. During their opening match against South
Korea, two players were sent off when one player lifted a South Korean over her
head while another Columbia player executed a flying DDT on the poor woman,
then produced a steel chair out of nowhere and proceeded to hit the prone
woman.
The Stage of 16
There were some shocking results in this first knockout
round. Spain destroyed Switzerland 0-5
but the real shocker was when Italy wiped the USA out 4-1. There was rejoicing in America among MAGA
supporters because now they could blame Joe Biden. They also blamed Hunter Biden for the loss
and the House opened an official investigation.
The Football Ferns, in front of a much larger crowd, took out dark horse
Japan 0-4 in a surprisingly easy victory.
Well, at least one host nation has shown up. Sweden has a fairly comfortable win over
Vietnam while Germany wins a thriller against Panama 3-4. Morocco goes down to Jamaica 0-4. Nigeria defeats Denmark 4-1. I think that is surprising but I really don’t
know.
But the match everyone wanted to see was England v.
Ireland. Things started off badly for
England when Mary Eaps, the English goalkeeper stepped away from her goal
thinking the ball was dead only to have Ireland slam through the opener. It’s the second Ashes test all over
again. England cannot recover from this. They are in disarray and Ireland records a
shockingly easy 5-0 win.
The Quarterfinals
When Spain plays Italy neither team wants to lose because
they would have to go back to the heat.
But it is hotter in Italy so the Italians win 1-5. Sweden is a dark horse and when they score
two goals against host nation New Zealand, it appears the not real plants will
join Australia on the sidelines. But the
Football Ferns are made of sterner stuff and score four goals to advance to the
semifinals 4-2. Now New Zealand is truly
behind their team at long last. Nigeria
wins a thriller over Germany 4-3 while Ireland lose 1-4 to Jamaica probably
because all their players are still drunk due to wild partying after their
victory over England.
It’s official. All
the big names are out. This is what
makes the Totally Random tournament so awesome.
The Semifinals
New Zealand is now 100% behind their team while all of
Australia secretly hope the Football Ferns get smashed back into the stone age
because we are extremely bitter and jealous here. Australia has a large Italian population but
their psychic powers are of no use as the incredible not a real plant New
Zealand team wins easily 2-5. Oh no, the
unthinkable might happen. Meanwhile
Jamaica defeats Nigeria in a game very few people watch.
Third Place Game
Who cares. I
don’t. Neither does anyone else. Why does FIFA insist on having this
farce? For the record, Nigeria defeats
the Italians 3-5. They all go out for
pizza and pasta afterward.
The Big One
Australia holds a national day of prayer asking for divine
assistance in defeating New Zealand.
Unfortunately, Australia made the mistake of praying to old Jamaican
gods. The one true God waxes wroth and
leads New Zealand to an amazing 3-0 win in front of a screaming packed stadium
in Sydney. To make matters worse for
Australia, the tourism industry makes $0.00 because more New Zealanders live in
Sydney then there are in New Zealand so they were all basically a train ride
away. The New South Wales Premier is
forced to resign and disgraced former premier Gladys Berejiklian is swept back to
power even though she was done big time for corruption. The people of New South Wales reason that a
corrupt premier would have ensured New Zealand’s defeat and in anger against a
pure and ethical premier which led to a horrible result, they bring the corrupt
premier back in because the Rugby World Cup is just around the corner, and Dam
it, the Wallabies need to win this time!
So after all that, a host nation wins the 2023 FIFA Women’s
World Cup. Only, it’s not the host
nation everyone thought might win. OK
New Zealand, you can stop celebrating now because you have the same chance of
winning the real World Cup as the USA Eagles have of defeating the All Blacks
in the Rugby World Cup, which as I said, is just around the corner. But congratulations to the Football
Ferns. You did it!
