The 2021 Totally Random AFL Finals

 The 2021 Totally Random AFL Finals

Hello again.  It is the time you’ve all been waiting for, the Totally Random AFL Finals.  The advantage Totally Random has over the real thing is that you actually don’t need to play any games, meaning you eliminate the risk of spreading Covid-19.  And because most games these days are played in front of no fans, the drawback of having no fans at Totally Random games is not as huge a drawback as it would normally be.  Sadly, my Tigers are not in either the Random or the Real version of the finals, but after winning three out of the last four premierships, this does not hurt as much as it has in the past.

For those not familiar with this, the winners and losers are decided completely at random.  Home field (not that this matters much this year), merit, form, and strength of team, has nothing to do with the results.  I run this once at a designated time, and let the chips, or in this case, cyber-dice, fall where they may.

The First Round

This year’s Totally Random Finals was kind of a fizzer to be honest.  There was only one close game.  The rest were all one-sided massacres.

The Finals began with the second qualifying final between (2) Port Adelaide and (3) Geelong.  The Cats did what they have done year after year.  They lost their first finals match and needed to take advantage of their double chance.  The Power went on a scoring frenzy to win 161-93.  This was probably due to the fact the Power have the only legitimate home game of the round.

The next day the Swans destroyed the Giants 150-90.  I hope that doesn’t happen in real life because I have money on the Giants to win it all.  The Demons celebrate their return to finals football with a 101 point massacre of the Lions to advance straight to the Preliminary Final with Port Adelaide being the other team to get a bye next week.  Well, I say next week, but in Totally Random play, there are no weeks.  The finals are over and done with in minutes.

The Bombers ended the Bulldogs late season slump by knocking them out altogether.  The Bombers only won 115-97 which by the standards of this round constitutes a close game.  Bye-bye Bulldogs.

The Second Round

Port Adelaide and Melbourne get a bye. 

We began this round with the sole close match, and what a match this was if you enjoy scoring.  The Cats defeated the Swans by eight points 164-156.  What a game!.  That game was followed by a 96 point Lions blowout of the Bombers though so one great game was followed by a laugher.

Preliminary Finals

Melbourne, who haven’t won a flag since 1964, and who have not been in a Grand Final since 2000, where they lost to an all-time Bombers team, returned to the Grand Final with an easy 146-97 win against the finals-cursed Cats.  Since 2011, they just cannot go all the way.  So close and yet so far. 

Last year in the real world, Port Adelaide lost a home preliminary final heartbreaker by six points against the Tigers.  Well, history repeats itself this time in the Totally Random world but this time, they go down by 21 points in another high scoring game.  The Lions win 142-121.  After the Lions lost by 101 points against Melbourne in the first round of the finals, they have a chance for redemption.

The Grand Final

Melbourne fans have dreamed of this.  The Red and Blue finally win at the MCG in front of 100,000 fans.  The long wait is over.  But the dream gets off to a bad start because the Grand Final is played in, well, who knows where, but it is not the MCG.  But what of the rest of the dream?  You would think that after a 101 point thrashing of the Lions, the Demons have their number.

But in one of the most stunning turn-arounds in sporting history, it is the Brisbane Lions who come away with the premiership cup and wow, do they ever.  They smash the stunned Demons 154-47.  Yes that’s right.  They lost in their first meeting by 101 points, but win by 107 in the Grand Final rematch.  Only in the Totally Random universe is this possible.

So congratulations to the Brisbane Lions.  Your long 19 year wait is over.  As for the Demons, we’re up to 57 years.  You’re not quite up with the Swans 76 year drought, but you’re getting there.

 

The Totally Random Euro2020 Championships

 

Totally Random Euro2020

Finally after a five year wait, the European Football (that’s soccer) championships have arrived.  They were supposed to happen last year but were postponed because of Covid.  The European Championships is a tournament in which Cinderella sometimes wins.  We had Denmark coming out of nowhere to win it in 1992, and they were a late entry to the tournament.  The 2004 tournament gave us Greece as champions, something no one, including Greece, saw coming.  And while it is usually the wicked stepsisters who win big sports tournaments, let’s see what happens this time.

Also five years in the making, is the Totally Random European Championships.  Yes it has been five long years since the last Totally Random European Championships were held, but at long last, it happened.  In the Totally Random universe, form, quality of players, quality of coaching, and home field advantage has absolutely no bearing on the result.  We choose a designated run, and let the random number generator work everything out.  In the random world, Cinderella is on equal footing with the wicked stepsisters.

Group Stage

The group stage produced very few dull games.  Hungary, Scotland, and Switzerland were the surprises of the tournament.  They had their ups and downs, but they forged through.  Germany was particularly disappointing finishing at the bottom of the Group of Death, otherwise known as Group F.  England scored a grand total of two goals throughout the group stage, and that was in a 5-2 loss to the Czech Republic.  So out they went.  Here were the teams who advanced out of the group stage.  I’ll list the top two teams in each group, then the third place teams overall who advanced.

From Group A we had  Switzerland and Wales.  I suppose you could say Wales was also a surprise team.

From Group B we had Denmark and Finland.

Group C gave us The Netherlands and Ukraine.

Group D had Scotland and the Czech Republic showing that anything can happen in the Totally Random universe.

Group E yielded Poland and Spain.

Group F had France topping the group with Hungary surprising everyone as they advanced.

The third place teams who advanced were:  Belgium, Austria, Portugal and Italy.

The Round of 16

The round of 16 gave us a lot of good games, but a lot of long ones too since four went to extra time or penalties.  The Czech Republic defeated Spain in an instant classic 5-4.  Meanwhile in a shocking result, Austria blew France away 5-1.  Switzerland defeated Ukraine 4-3 in extra time, while Denmark finally put the Italians out of their misery 4-1.  Wales had a nice tournament, but it ended 4-1 at the hands of Finland.  That is the Wales we all expected.  Meanwhile Poland defeated The Netherlands 3-2 in penalties.  What a game.  It was tied 5-5 after extra time.  You want goals, you had plenty in that game.  Hungary continued to shock the world ending Scotland’s hopes for a happy ever after with a 5-0 drubbing.  And finally, Belgium finally got it’s act together with a 4-2 win over Poland.  Well, not really.  That was a 4-2 win in penalties.  Belgium survived after being a third place team which advanced, but they just don’t look right.

Quarterfinals

After winning an instant classic against Spain, the Czech Republic advanced after winning another instant classic as they eliminated Austria 4-3.  Wow they play exciting games.  Switzerland continued their amazing run with a somewhat dull 1-0 win over Denmark, but when you are in the quarterfinals of the European Championships, you’ll take 1-0 anytime.  After all, Greece won with a string of 1-0 games in 2004.  Could Switzerland be the next Greece?  Portugal defeated Finland 5-4 in a very entertaining game, unless you like defence.  There wasn’t much in this game.  In the last quarterfinal, all good things must come to an end, and Hungary’s Cinderella story came to a crashing halt in heartbreaking fashion 4-3 at the hands of Belgium who just keep on surviving even though they aren’t playing well.  And you would have to favor Belgium at this point wouldn’t you?

Semi-finals

Exhausted by all their thrillers, the Czech Republic were stunned by Switzerland 3-1.  OK, it wasn’t a 1-0 win, but Switzerland really might be the next Greece.  They are in the final.  In the other fixture, Portugal finally got rid of Belgium 5-2.  What Portugal failed to do on home soil in 2004, they might do on foreign soil in 2021.

The Final

Sales of Swiss watches have gone through the roof as the world gets behind the Helvetians.  And besides, does anyone actually want Portugal to win?  They were a third place team after all.  You have to hand it to them though.  They might have stumbled their way past the group stage, but Portugal hit their stride when it counted.

In a pulsating game that went back and forth, it was Cinderella Switzerland who emerged victorious with a 4-3 win after the game went into extra time.  The Cantons are rejoicing.  Switzerland is the Totally Random Euro2020 Cinderella winner.  Congratulations.

 

And now, let the real tournament begin!