The Totally Random UEFA Euro2024 Tournament
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time for the Totally Random
UEFA 2024 European Championship. This is
my second favorite sports event. For
those who have too much time on their hands and wonder what my sporting
rankings are, here goes.
1.
FIFA men’s World cup
2.
UEFA European Championship.
3.
Olympics
4.
Super Bowl
5.
Stanley Cup finals (I hate the Florida Panthers
by the way).
6.
NBA Finals
7.
Australian Rules Football Finals.
Needless to say, as far as domestic competitions go, if
my team is in the finals or playoffs, as we call them in America, then the
competition is elevated in the rankings, but this is generally how I go. Right now my Boston Celtics have a good
chance to win the NBA title so the NBA finals have moved up in my ranks for
this season.
So I am very excited about Euro2024. In my household it is either Allez Les Bleus
or Deutschland über Alles. The reason is
simple. I am French via America, and my
wife is German via Australia. But there
is a twist this year because my wife Elizabeth is also Hungarian, and Hungary
is in Group A with Germany. So things
could get tricky except that Elizabeth really does not give a crap about
football of the international kind, so I think she will experience very little
internal turmoil. As for the rest of us, we are still
recovering from Italy winning in 2020.
This is the Totally Random Euro2024. Home country, home field, talent level, and
form have nothing to do with the results.
The results are totally random.
My program is run once no matter what.
This year, there are six groups, A-F.
the top 2 in teach group go through along with the four best third place
teams.
Group Stage
Given that four third place teams advance, I think it is
best to start with who finished at the bottom of each group and believe me,
this is shocking. The bottom feeders
were: Germany, Italy, England, Poland,
Belgium, and Czechia. That is
incredible. The tournament began with an
utterly shocking 3-0 Scotland victory over Germany in the first match. With the score at 0-0 at halftime, the
Scottish team came out in the second half and mooned the German team. After the match, Steve Clark, the manager of
Scotland’s national team, said at the press conference that Scotland was
inspired by the scene in Braveheart in which the Scottish army under
William Wallace mooned the English.
This, of course, never happened historically as far as we know. And since I’m talking about Braveheart,
William Wallace never did it with the queen, never fathered the queen’s child,
and William Wallace did not lose against Edward I because he was betrayed by
Robert the Bruce. William Wallace
actually lost for two reasons. Edward I
was a superior general, and Edward I had Welsh longbowmen whom the Scots simply
could not deal with. Other than these
minor historical flaws, the movie was actually pretty accurate. The actions of Scotland so shocked the
Germans, they fell apart leading to the 3-0 win.
I don’t have time to catalog all of the results for the
group stage, but after England defeated Serbia 0-2 in their first match, no one
expected the 5-0 loss to Denmark and the 0-3 loss to Slovenia which
followed. England was embroiled in
another scandal when English PM Rishi Sunak left at half time during the
Denmark match so he could fly back to England to have an interview with the Sun
newspaper which he absolutely had to have in person because we wouldn’t want
him to take advantage of Remote tech. To
make matters worse, Sunak expressed outrage in that interview because the Welsh
team failed to pay him their respects.
The interviewer apparently did not have the heart to tell him that Wales
failed to qualify for the tournament this time.
And so with the group stages over, the football world was
turned upside down.
The Round of 16
There was only one draw in the group stages. This is remarkable for a random
tournament. That happened to be a 0-0
special between Holland and Austria. But
now the knockout stages have begun and there are no more draws.
The first match pitted Croatia against Portugal. Despite all the upsets, this game featured
two powerful European teams. Croatia
played with flair and daring, but Portugal played with even more flair and
daring on their way to a 0-2 win.
Scotland is the surprise team of the tournament. They have gone from strength to strength
after their 0-3 shocking victory over Germany in the first match. And the bagpipes keep on playing, much to the
annoyance of the TV audience as they beat Denmark 5-4. The BBC produced a special in which fans from
all over the world expressed nostalgia for the vuvuzelas of South Africa. FIFA made sure this match was played at night
because a special report from DW News said that when Scotland mooned Germany, the Germans were
blinded by the glair coming off that white skin and were handicapped for the
remainder of the match. But Scotland’s
victory demonstrated to the world that they are more than a flash in the pan,
or should I say, in the pants.
Georgia v Albania was a snoozefest which ended 0-0. But after 120 minutes of dull football, the
penalty shootout almost made up for it as Albania moved past Georgia 5-6. Georgia protested on the grounds that more
than 20% of funding for Albania came from foreign sources and while FIFA has
yet to decide, most people believe their protest will fail on the grounds that
more than 20% of funding for the Georgian team also comes from foreign sources.
Meanwhile Les Bleus smashed poor Romania 4-0 and the world began
to contemplate the horror of four years of the French as the holders.
In an exciting match. It was Slovakia 3-4 Austria. Normally, no one would care, but in a Totally
Random tournament, this could be quite impactful.
The match between the Netherlands and Türkiye was one of the
most bizarre matches in football history.
After 120 minutes of 0-0 football, no one seemed to want to slot home a
penalty kick. Holland won 1-0 on penalties. What made matters worse is that each
goalkeeper only saved one penalty kick each meaning the rest went high or wide. Amazing.
The world rallied behind Ukraine, but sadly, they went down
4-2 to Slovenia. What a gallant effort
though, even in the Totally Random tournament.
And lastly, Hungary went down to Spain 0-1 in a match that
was much more difficult for Spain than anticipated. Rumors circulated that Victor Orbán
threatened to block vital EU legislation if they were not allowed to win. These rumors were given validity because when
Lamine Yamal scored an absolutely brilliant goal in stoppage time to break the
0-0 deadlock, he was heard to shout “Screw You Orbán!” Commentators remarked on his English-speaking
prowess.
And with that, we move to the quarterfinals. Europe has to come to terms with the
possibility the French or the Dutch will be champions of Europe. European president Ursula von der Leyen
called an emergency meeting to draw up contingency plans should either team
win.
The Quarterfinals
The bagpipes played long and loud during Scotland’s match
against Portugal. But the world only had
to endure 90 more minutes of the loud music because Portugal sent Scotland
packing 1-0.
Meanwhile Albania produced what might be the most shocking
result of the tournament. Not only did
they defeat France, they did so 4-0. Les
Bleus became Les Malades. Europe
breathes a sigh of relief.
Holland cruises by Austria 0-3 while Spain seemed to be cruising
past Slovenia with a 4-1 lead in the 83rd minute. But Slovenia scored two goals and nearly
scored the equalizer in stoppage time when the only thing that saved Spain from
extra time was the crossbar. So Spain hung
on 3-4.
The Semifinals
With France knocked out, Ursula von der Leyen releases
Europe’s contingency plan should Holland win.
It involves bunkers and mandatory conscription. Debate raged as to whether she confused this
with Germany’s first comprehensive war plan since the Cold War that was
released in early June. Needless to say,
the world stands on a knife’s edge.
In a surprisingly difficult game for Portugal, they
nevertheless prevailed over the Cinderella team of the tournament Albania. After scoring in the 18th minute,
Portugal hung on 1-0. Portugal is
playing good solid all around football.
Netherlands v. Spain lives up to all the hype. This match is open, attacking, and many goals
are scored. With Spain leading 3-4 in
the 85th minute, it looks like the Dutch will go down in yet another
close tournament game. But they equalized
with a brilliant shot from a free kick, then went on to win it in extra
time. The final score is Netherlands 5-4
Spain. There is a real possibility the
Dutch may actually win. Stock exchanges
all over Europe fall dramatically at the prospect.
The Final
There doesn’t seem to be a 3rd place match this
time. Good riddance. This ain’t the Olympics. There can only be one winner. And in a pretty entertaining match, Portugal
proves too much for the Dutch. With the
score tied 2-2 in an exciting first half, the Portuguese put on three second
half goals to win Euro2024 5-2. They
really were the best Totally Random team throughout. So congratulations.
As for the real tournament, my prediction is Les Bleus but
not just because I am going for them.
Bring it on. I can’t wait!
