NFL 2022-2023 Totally Random Playoffs
Another regular season finishes, and the real fun begins
when the NFL playoffs start this week. But
even more important are the Totally Random playoffs. In the Totally Random universe, merit, home
field, motivation, player talent, and coaching competence have nothing whatsoever
to do with predictions. In this
universe, scores are completely random, and the tournament is run only
once. In this universe, even the Mike
McCarthy led Cowboys have a chance to win it all. Spoiler alert, that doesn’t happen here. And now, the most coveted prize in all of
sports.
Wild Card Weekend
For this week, I went by the officially released
schedule. The playoffs begin with the
49ers doing what everyone predicts in the real world, wiping out the Seahawks
45-19. Next, the Jaguars pull away in
the 4th quarter with a 31-19 win over the Chargers. Apparently, the Chargers poor performance
against the Broncos with their starters playing was a portent.
The Bills smash the Dolphins 47-26. The surprise here is the Dolphins manage to
score 26 points even given garbage time.
A lot of people expect the Giants to beat the Vikings, but the Vikings
hang on for an entertaining 36-30 win against the surprising NY Giants.
The shocker of Wild Card Weekend is the Ravens scoring 27
points against the Bengals. Even more
shocking is the Bengals score 26. Ravens
stagger out of Cincinnati with a one point upset. And finally, the game that will probably be
the most watched game this weekend. The
Cowboys stagger into the playoffs while the Bucs are surging. The Cowboys do not play well on natural grass
this year. This time, though, the
Cowboys finally get a win over Tom Brady for the first time 31-29. And just to add to the drama, I’ll say Brett
Maher kicks a 57-yard field goal as time expires to win the game for the
Cowboys. Why not. Maher has been money all year. What will Tom Brady do? One thing he won’t do is advance to the next
round.
The Divisional Round
In the NFC we have the two and three sees playing each other
while 1st and 5th square off. The 49ers should cruise against an
inconsistent Vikings team. But in this
game America remembers 49ers QB Brock Purdy is a backup rookie. It is the Vikings who cruise 34-13. Meanwhile the Cowboys and Eagles go for the
third time. Dak Prescott has a QB rating
of 39 and despite a heroic Cowboys defensive effort, the Eagles prevail
12-6. This game is a throwback to the 1970’s.
In the AFC, the Chiefs rid America of a Ravens team that is
difficult to watch at the best of times with a 35-23 win. The Ravens offense is a basket case, but
their defense has been good. But every
defense is vulnerable to Patrick Mahomes.
In a shocking result, Trevor Lawrence comes of age with a
36-18 win over the Bills. The poor Bills
seem to get hammered from all sorts of directions, ranging from not being able
to get to their games without ploughing through massive amounts of snow to the Damar
Hamlin saga. Alas, it’s all a bit much
for them. We will have Trevor Lawrence
against Patrick Mahomes for the right to go to the Super Bowl.
Championship Round
The Vikings have been inconsistent throughout the year. They are a 13-3 team which has given up more
points than they have scored. It all
comes crashing down. A fully healthy
Eagles team destroys the Vikings 42-6.
In what can really only happen in the random universe, the
Jaguars destroy the Chiefs in Kansas City (which is in Missouri just in case
Trump is reading this, and not in Kansas) 39-5.
The only way that happens is if Mahomes is knocked out early. So, it’s Jaguars, Eagles in the Super Bowl.
The Super Bowl
The Super Bowl is a reasonably entertaining game. Trevor
Lawrence is in a groove and the amazing Jacksonville Jaguars, who are usually
the laughingstock of the NFL, prevail over the Eagles 32-18. Their two-touchdown win gives the Jaguars the
Totally Random 2022 title. Congratulations
and perhaps this will cause them to stay in America instead of moving to
London.
