Euro2016 is about to descend upon us. Next to the World Cup, it is the most prestigious
international football tournament there is.
Of course the mighty USA could take out any of these teams but the USA
will have to be content with winning the Copa America instead. And now that it is apparent I am indulging in
fantasy, it’s that time again for the totally random tournament. The results are completely random. Neither the merits of the teams, nor home
field advantage, nor recent form has anything to do with this tournament. It’s completely random. So here we go.
In the group stages, both France and Germany finish
last. So they are out. And things started so well for France with a
2-0 win over Romania. But the French
campaign goes to the chiens after that.
A shock 3-0 loss to Albania followed by a 5-2 capitulation to
Switzerland and the host nation bids au revoir to the tournament. Too bad too because this is who I’m going
for, along with Iceland.
Germany’s campaign is not worth mentioning. England disappoints but they manage to scrape
through as one of the surviving third place teams. I fear the English are in for a hard crash
landing as usual.
Round of 16
Albania takes down the Ukraine in a penalty shootout
which follows a 1-1 score line. The
Czech Republic knock surprising Hungary out 2-1. After playing to a 3-3 tie, Switzerland downs
Slovakia in the most bizarre penalty shootout of all time in which only one
penalty goal is scored. You get things
like this in the totally random tournament.
After the game all Slovakian penalty shooters are sacked from the team
permanently. Next, Austria, after
powering their way to the top of Group F, blast Italy back to the stone age
5-1. Italy cuts diplomatic ties with
Austria and Europe has yet another crisis to take their minds off the looming
British exit. Unfortunately, this
diversion only lasts a short while because after England goes down to Poland
1-0, the British exit seems inevitable.
And indeed, the exit vote overwhelms the stay vote. Officially, England puts this down to dissatisfaction
with the way Brussels runs things. But
the truth is by exiting Europe, England has a better chance of convincing FIFA
to allow them to exist in a weaker group, like CONCACAF for example. Looks like we’ll see England in the next Copa
America. Belgium defeats Croatia 3-1 on
penalties, the third round of 16 match that has gone to penalties. In the 4th match to go to
penalties, Cinderella Romania goes down 4-2 to Sweden. And finally, Portugal suffers a stunning
blowout loss to Russia 5-1.
Quarterfinals
Now that just about all the big names are out, it looks
like you might as well throw dice to predict the rest of the tournament. In a way, that is exactly what we’re doing
here except we’ve been throwing dice all along.
There is dancing in the streets in Albania as this team continues its
stunning emergence from obscurity to down the Czech Republic in a well-played
5-3 quarterfinal match. In a not so
exciting match, Switzerland power past Austria 5-0. Austria certainly won’t be back for the
semi-finals after their dismal performance.
Belgium takes care of business and does what everyone expects they
should do against Poland and wipes them out 4-0. In the final quarterfinal match, Sweden take
down Russia 2-0. Not much to say about
that game.
Semi-finals
I think it’s safe to say we have semi-finals matches that
no one predicted. Except here of
course. In the first match, Switzerland stops
the party in Albania with a 5-0 win. The
Albanians are happy to have come this far.
Meanwhile the Swiss government claims if they actually win the
tournament, they will end their neutrality.
No one really knows why they will do this but most experts put it down
to giddiness at being so close to the impossible dream. Their opponents? Belgium.
The Belgian defence which we always knew would be solid blanks Sweden as
they cruise to a 5-0 win.
The Final
So here we have it.
The headquarters of European government, minus England of course, and
the headquarters of European finance going at it for the ultimate, or second
ultimate prize. The ultimate prize is of
course the Copa America win which the USA is celebrating by now. Yes, the fantasy continues. So either Belgium or Switzerland will have to
settle for being the champions of Europe.
Just as in real life, money runs the world while governments only think
they do, Belgium shuts down Switzerland 3-0.
Belgium celebrates as they proclaim themselves the best, while the Swiss
continue dominating the world behind the scenes and pulling all the strings.
After conceding 1 goal in the round of 16, Belgium goes
through the rest of the knock-out phase without conceding a single goal. So congratulations to Belgium, the 2016
Totally Random Champions of Europe.
My real life prediction?
It’s hard to say really. It’s
easy to pick the usual favorites. I’ll
go with the host nation France. If I
have to choose a dark horse, though, I will say the Czech Republic. The most Cinderella winner though would be
mighty Iceland who did really well to qualify.
Let’s hope for a good tournament and for at least one Cinderella to make
things exciting.
