OK Australia. This
is what you have all been waiting for, the all random AFL finals. For any American friends who decide to waste
their time reading this – and I hope you do – AFL stands for Australian
Football League as opposed to the American Federation of Labor. But this is primarily for Australians because
Australia is really the only country which cares about this great sport. As always, completely random means just that. Merit, home field, and form are not factors
in this whatsoever. This is the
computerized equivalent of tossing dice.
And of course, I could run this simulation many times and get all kinds
of results, but half the fun is to run this once, and once only to get the
winner. And so let it be done.
The first round sees both Qualifying Finals in West
Australia. The winner gets a bye in
round 2 and a home preliminary final. Given
the economic battering West Australia is suffering at the moment, this is just
what the state needs. Of course, what
the state really needs is for both their teams to actually win. The first game features the High Flying
Eagles who finished second during the home and away season against the flag favourite
Hawks who finished third. And yes, the
Hawks are the flag favourites even though they are third. Sadly for West Australia, the first game ends
in disappointment as the Hawks destroy the Eagles on their own ground 150 to
63.
But fear not. The
Dockers who were able to rest all of their really important players, because
they finished 1st get to face the Swans who had to win to keep 4th
position. Unfortunately for the Dockers,
someone forgot to tell their players to stop resting. The Swans score a big upset over the Dockers
84 to 55. So instead of hosting two
preliminary finals in West Australia, they will host none.
Now West Australia is truly depressed and no football
team can be responsible for the chaos that might follow. Meanwhile in Melbourne we have the Western
Bulldogs, the Cinderella team of 2015 hosting the schizophrenic Crows who look
like they could beat the all star team one week, and look like they would have
no all stars the next. The Crows have
had a tough and tragic season due to the unexpected death of their head coach
and for them, 2015 ends as the Bulldogs rampage to a 108 point victory 164 to
56.
But forget all that.
I’m a Tigers supporter and the Tigers are playing their nemesis North
Melbourne. The Kangaroos always seem to
find a way to beat the Tigers into oblivion.
But this time, the Tigers roar loudest and do what a real tiger would
probably do to a real kangaroos slaughtering North Melbourne ruthlessly 163 to
90. How they could play so poorly
against North Melbourne B during the last round of the regular season, and play
so well against a full strength squad will occupy the minds of football
historians for decades to come. But win
they have.
At the end of the first round of the finals then, we have
this situation. The Hawks and Swans get
to relax for a week. But the bloodletting
continues. Round 2 gives us two pretty
good matchups. The Dockers play the
Tigers while the Eagles play the Bulldogs.
The Tigers and Dockers have already played twice. They have won one game apiece though the
Tigers should have won the second encounter.
The Tigers win the rubber match in West Australia by 40 points 69 to
109.
And poor West Australia is plunged into unfathomable
despair as the Bulldogs defeat the Eagles in West Australia in an absolute
thriller 153 to 147. That’s actually a
possible score if these two teams play in the real world. West Australia has now lost four consecutive
finals matches in two weeks. Aside from
therapists, everyone else in the state is nearly beyond salvage by this
stage. Only New South Wales and Victoria
remain.
The Preliminary Finals feature a rested Swans team
playing the Bulldogs who just won the shootout of the century against the
Eagles. Bulldogs supporters, who have
not seen a flag since 1954 are really excited and their excitement rises to
fever intensity as the ever-scoring Bulldogs end the Swans’ season in Sydney
117 to 83. A nice 34 point win propels
the always underdog Bulldogs into the Grand Final. Will Cinderella get the Prince in the end?
In Melbourne, the Hawks, who have won back-to back flags
play a Tigers team which usually plays pretty well against the champs. The Tigers beat them earlier in the season
but the Hawks also beat the Tigers. So
once again, the Tigers are involved in a rubber match. And just as they did against the Dockers,
they prevail against the mighty Hawks by 19 points 115 to 96. This gives us a grand final pairing the
Bulldogs, who have gone 60 years without a flag, against the Tigers, who have
gone 34 years without one. The Bulldogs
are still Cinderella though because although the Tigers have also seen a long
drought, they have many flags whereas the poor Bulldogs have only the one in
1954 in their entire history. So the
Tigers become the evil step-mother though for Tigers fans like myself, there is
no pity or compassion for the Bulldogs.
We want a slaughter so we can relax and enjoy the 4th
quarter, counting down to our first flag since 1980.
I should also point out that every time I have done a
random tournament before in other sports, the favourite has always been
picked. With the Tigers completely
random defeat of the Hawks, this sad state of affairs finally comes to an end.
In the Grand Final, on that storied last Saturday in
September. . .wait. . .this year it’s the 1st Saturday in
October. You know, there’s just
something wrong about that. Grand Finals
should be played in September because they should be played in September. But so be it.
On that not very storied 1st Saturday in October, the evil
step-mother destroys Cinderella and heartless Tigers supporters like me get
what we want. Richmond gets a massive
Grand Final win of 83 points 130 to 47.
Richmond’s top defence finally stops the Dogs amazing scoring
machine. And as we say in America,
defence wins championships. This proves
true again.
Oh we’re from Tigerland!!
The Richmond Tigers are the 2015 Completely Random champions. Oh if only reality could mirror this. And no, my program was not fixed. It was actually completely random. What an exciting finals that was.
